It's News 2 Them™

Shutting down the gossip blog.

2011-12-08T10:10:00.001-08:00

This will be the last post. I've now written over 3,000 updates from the gossip rags and I've come to an unmistakable conclusion.

I am not their target audience and I never will be.

This wasn't the worst hobby I ever tried, but I've grown tired of it and you can get what I put on the Internet through other sources who really are interested in this silly stuff.

What have I learned in two years.

These magazines lie a lot. I knew that already, but it's really obvious when you read it week after week and keep track of verifiable stuff, most notably people being born and people dying.

These magazines are waaaay too interested in reality TV. They like this stuff and I hated it even when I had a TV. I thought there might be a backlash against the Kardashians after the sham marriage, but no such luck. It's the old adage "There is no such thing as bad publicity." And looking at the headlines from this week that I won't be posting, Teen Mom must be coming back on soon, judging by a slew of stories in several magazines about Leah.

I'm a middle aged heterosexual male, which makes me about the last person they expect to read this stuff. I might add that I'm college educated and from the West Coast. There are a couple of gossip rags that tend to skew older and more Southern than I am and the others skew younger and with a more feminine perpsective.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by and commented, especially Karen Zipdrive. I'll leave the blog up as a reference but I won't be adding any more stories.

I no longer keep tab of the tabs. If you are interested, you'll have to do the legwork yourself.

Breaking news: Actor Harry Morgan dead at 96

2011-12-07T13:20:00.001-08:00

(photo from Associated Press)

The actor Harry Morgan, well-known from the cast of the tv shows M*A*S*H and Dragnet has died at the age of 96. There were several stories about Brave Last Days for TV stars of his era in the tabloids this year and his name was not mentioned once. This is a prime example of why the tabloid suck at predicting who will die.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Harry Morgan, from a fan.

On the rocks alert: Dolly's shocking secret!

2011-12-07T04:12:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Examiner thinks its readers want to know bad things about Miss Dolly Parton. Here are their headlines, the villians.

She no longer lives with hubby (Carl Dean)
He's in mansion, she's in cottage

Saying bad things about Miss Dolly Parton gets a visit from the disapproving rabbit.

The Enquirer goes after J.R. Martinez.

2011-12-07T04:05:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

I have an odd relationship with the gossip world. I don't watch the TV shows they follow and I don't read what's inside. All I know is what's on the cover. I know J.R. Martinez won Dancing With The Stars this season, so the public likes him. This means the Enquirer has some perverse notion that he needs to be chopped down to size. Here are their headlines.

DWTS J.R. Martinez Shocking tell-all!
Women
War wounds
Winning

Let me say something nice about the Enquirer, even though I know their hearts are in the wrong place.

Nice alliteration.

Heroes return from Iraq

2011-12-07T04:01:00.001-08:00

Publication: People

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

People has a cover story about our returning soldiers. Here are the headlines.

Emotional homecomings
Family reunions
Plans for the future

Best wishes to all concerned and thank you for your service to our country.

Celebrity chef scandals!

2011-12-06T06:04:00.001-08:00

Publication: Star

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Star says it has the inside scoop on celebrity chef scandals, with stories of "booze, babes and murder"! The three pictures on the cover are Rachel Ray and two newcomers to gossip hell, Guy Fieri and Bobby Flay.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: More skin and bone celebrities.

2011-12-06T05:57:00.001-08:00

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The main story on the cover of Weekly Life & Style this week was about too skinny Angelina Jolie. Two other less famous female celebrities were also mentioned.

They claim Real Housewife Bethenny forgets to eat.

And already too skinny Leann Rimes is allegedly skinnier than ever.

Damn You Skinny Alert™ and Love Bird Alert™: Jessica and Ramon lose weight and fall in love.

2011-12-06T05:52:00.001-08:00

Publication: OK!

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

OK! give us a nice story from reality TV show The Biggest Loser. Here are the headlines.

Jessica and Ramon
How we lost 240 pounds!
And fell in love

That's a nice story.

Fussin' and Feudin' alert: Why Scarlett hates Blake!

2011-12-05T04:34:00.001-08:00

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Us tells its readers that there is bad blood between actresses Scarlett Johannson and Blake Lively. I did not open the magazine to find out why.

All I will say is that if these two decide to fight, I'm willing to offer my services as referee.

Kick several corpses, why don'tcha?: Frank Sinatra bedded two First Ladies.

2011-12-05T04:27:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The Globe gives a tip of the hat to its geezer demographic by spilling the dirt on Francis Albert Sinatra. According to a new tell all book, Sinatra had sex with two different First Ladies.

I did not open the Globe to find out the names. I leave that to my more motivated readers. I'm guessing here, but it wasn't Eleanor Roosevelt and Pat Nixon.

Weekly World New alert: Qaddafi hiding in the Catskills.

2011-12-05T04:16:00.001-08:00

Publication: Weekly World News

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The Weekly World News reports that Moammar Qaddafi, famously and publicly assassinated by a mob, is actually alive and hiding in the Catskills Mountains.

I don't want to tell them their business, but this seems unlikely.

It could just be a case of mistaken identity.

Sadly, there is more than one person they could have seen who could be fairly confused for Qaddafi.

Love Bird Alert™: Bachelor's Emily dating Vienna's ex

2011-12-04T05:55:00.001-08:00

Publication: In Touch

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

In Touch says Bachelorette Emily is dating the former beau of Bachelorette Vienna.

Even though I have been writing this blog for about two years now, I remember almost no details about all the Bachelor people. But I think I recall that if they are going to have a You So Crazy competition, put a few bucks on Vienna.

Ellen wants to be Oprah.

2011-12-04T05:44:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The low rent Examiner says they have all the details about how Ellen DeGeneres wants to be Oprah Winfrey.

I see three challenges in this understandable life's wish.

There's the whole skin tone/ethnicity thing.
You, Ellen, actually have a skill as a comedian, while Oprah's skill is more difficult to define.
You, Ellen, are gay, while Oprah is...

Okay, maybe I only see two challenges.

On the rocks alert: Two different versions of the break-up of Ali and Roberto from The Bachelorette.

2011-12-04T05:33:00.001-08:00

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

I am not a watcher of reality TV. The various versions of The Bachelor do not have the absolutely least interest to me of all reality TV - that's probably Teen Mom or Toddlers'N'Tiaras - but when I hear about the inevitable romantic troubles the couples get into, I can only think of those wise words of Rocket J. Squirrel and the overly optimistic reply of his friend Bulwinkle.

"But that trick never works!"

"This time for sure!"

Ali and Roberto are no more. Who showed whom the door? It depends on which gossip rag you believe.

People: The Bachelorette break-up
Exclusive
Why I Left Him
Ali's Tears and Regrets
Inside their explosive fights and heartbreaking final night together
Roberto 'Devastated'
Weekly Life & Style: Why he left Ali

I do not know the truth but I believe the People version, in part because of the extra details and in part because it's People vs. Weekly Life & Style. People isn't perfect, but it's a lot better than the rest in terms of reporting.

This week's Natalie Wood stories.

2011-12-03T04:03:00.001-08:00

Publications: Globe, National Enquirer

Date: 12 Dec 2011

Let us recall that the Natalie Wood story was the exclusive possession of the low rent Examiner before the case was re-opened, but now that it has been re-opened, the other, and more well heeled Wicked Step Sisters are running with the story. Here are the headlines.

National Enquirer: Only in the Enquirer
Christopher Walken phone call revealed
Natalie Wood sex secret
What cops were never told
Globe: Natalie Wood case solved!
World exclusive
30 years after shocking death
New evidence: her last words reveal what REALLY happened
Plus: Natalie's secret diaries
Are they telling the truth?
Pictures of Robert Wagner and Christopher Walken

Sandra's mid-life makeover.

2011-12-03T03:49:00.001-08:00

Publication: Star

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Over the past two years, the biggest stars in the supermarket rags have been Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. In that group, only Angelina (36) is less than 40 years old. They are all good actors, but part of their job is to look good, and that gets harder in our youth obsessed culture as we get older. Sandra Bullock is now 47, so it isn't unfair of Star to use the phrase "mid-life" on their headline. Whether this makeover includes plastic surgery or not is not mentioned on cover.

Man slut alert: Ashton Kutcher's wild nights after split

2011-12-03T03:44:00.001-08:00

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

If we are to believe Us Weekly, Ashton Kutcher is going out and having fun since Demi Moore tossed him out of the house.

If we believe the gossip rags in general, this means the divorce hasn't changed his routine at all.

Annoying link to story below because of too many labels.

2011-12-02T17:03:00.001-08:00

Link to story below.

All this week's Twilight related gossip.

2011-12-02T16:55:00.001-08:00

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Lots more planted crap about the stars of Twilight this week. Here are the headlines.

In Touch: It's official!
Secret wedding in England!
Rob & Kristen Exclusive
The dress, the dreamy venue & her shocking vow
OK!: Rob to Taylor
Stay away from Kristen
Weekly Life & Style: Inside Rob & Kristen's love nest

All this week's BrAngelina drama.

2011-12-02T16:50:00.001-08:00

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, National Enquirer

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Two very different stories this week, mainly about Angelina Jolie, but Brad and daughter Shiloh get mentioned as well, so they count as BrAngelina. Here are the headlines.

Weekly Life & Style: Angelina: Desperate to be skinny
She's surviving on just 600 calories a day
Brad begs a stressed and frail Angelina to stop starving herself
National Enquirer: Brad rages at Angelina for raising Shiloh as a boy!
All the details
Put her in a dress! Brad orders Angie!

Prophecy Alert™: What the Dead Sea Scrolls can tell us about the next 100 days!

2011-12-02T16:37:00.001-08:00

Publication: Sun

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

For those of you keeping score at home, the Dead Sea Scrolls are re-discovered texts, most of the them of Old Testament books, probably written in the centuries just before the birth of Christ. I haven't seen anyone serious say they are prophetic, but that has never stopped the Sun before. They give us a few tidbits of 100 prophecies that are supposed to come true in the next 100 days, so let's call that March 10 of next year.

Miracle turnaround in the economy
Another sex scandal in the election

Let it be noted that the drop in unemployment from 9.0% to 8.6% happened after these prophecies were published, so that was pretty good news. I'm gonna get all arbitrary and say unemployment under 8.0% is good news and 7.5% or under would constitute a miracle.

As for another sex scandal, if Cain, Perry and Gingrich stay in the race, the odds of that one are pretty good as well. I'm again going to be arbitrary and say Ginger White came forward before this hit the stands, so any sex scandal has to be after her.

I'll report back on March 10.

Meanest Story nominee: Hollywood weight battles!

2011-12-02T04:09:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The Enquirer has a grab bag story of female celebrities struggling with their weight. Here are the headlines.

    Oprah 280 lbs.
    Boozing and Binge Eating
    Talk queen ordered "Diet or Die!"

Demi Moore 90 lbs.
Dramatic intervention to get her to eat

    Ricki Lake 140 libs.
    Too fat for wedding dress
    Desperate to lose 20 lbs.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Who is Obama's real father?

2011-12-02T04:02:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The Globe goes with a story that cops who are probing Obama (probably that publicity hound Joe Arapaio, though he is not named) are trying to find out who his true father is.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious. If you watched the first three movies (a.k.a. The Good Ones), you've heard Vader's voice and he is like so obvs black. And more than that, it's clear that the force is strong in Barack Hussein Skywalker Obama.

Mystery solved!

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Annoying label bookkeeping post for mother daughter feud story below.

2011-12-02T03:58:00.001-08:00

Here's a link to the story below.

Meanest story nominee: Hollywood's nastiest Mother-Daughter feuds!

2011-12-02T03:48:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

After going missing from Oakland newspaper racks last week, the low rent Examiner is back and ready to compete in the Meanest Story competition with a grab bag story about the moms and daughters who just don't get along. With moms listed first, the three pairs named on the cover are:

Nancy Reagan and Patti Davis
Martha and Alexis Stewart
Susan Jordan and Meg Ryan

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Love bird alert™: J. Lo's new man meets her kids.

2011-12-01T19:51:00.001-08:00

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

For the record, the guy now squiring Jennifer Lopez is named Casper Smart.

Going on the record, I think the only thing smart about him is his last name.

I mention his name because eventually some gossip rag will. Right now, he's just "J. Lo's new boyfriend", so he gets no label yet.

Who know? Maybe they will become J-Casp or LoSmart or some other cute name.

Personally, I'm not holding my breath. I think he's romantic roadkill.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert: Scott's plan to destroy Kim!

2011-12-01T19:43:00.001-08:00

Publication: In Touch

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Scott Disick is going to destroy Kim Kardashian!

Wait a second. Take a look at this picture. Who is in the center of this picture?

Okay, fair enough, Kris Jenner is in the center of this picture, but Kim is in white showing the absolute most cleavage.

Who is farthest from the center of this picture?

No question. Scott Disick.

The only thing in this world Scott Disick is capable of destroying is his own liver.

All the Kim'N'Kris noise for the week.

2011-12-01T04:15:00.001-08:00

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Star

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! I do hope that Kim Kardashian's star is fading, but I'm not silly enough to expect she would vanish from the gossip rags overnight. There are four stories about her this week, one which ignores her estranged husband and will be reported separately. Here are the headlines.

OK!: Kim to Kris: Stop calling me fat!
Weekly Life & Style: Kim alone for the holidays
Star: Kim's bombshell: Kris is gay!
Secret behind marriage disaster
He wouldn't touch her after the honeymoon
what Khloe saw
NOW Kris vows to DESTROY the Kardashians

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and On the Rocks Alert: Jen and Justin getting married or breaking up.

2011-12-01T04:10:00.001-08:00

Publications: In Touch, Star

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Justin Theroux gets on the cover of two magazines this week, both mentions in his role as Jennifer Aniston's boyfriend. Here are the headlines.

Star: Jen engaged (picture of Justin)
Star exclusive!
See the ring
In Touch: Jen & Justin headed for a split

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Holiday Weddings for Kourtney and Jen!

2011-12-01T03:59:00.001-08:00

Publication: OK!

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Us Weekly and OK! are pointing in opposite directions this week in regards to the possible marriage of Kourtney Kardashian. OK!, no longer the nicest mag (overtaken by People) but still among the least reliable, says Jennifer Aniston is getting hitched before New Year as well. Here are the headlines.

Why they're both rushing to marry before the new year
PLUS: who has a baby on the way - already!

Bun in the Oven Alert™: Kourtney is pregnant!

2011-12-01T03:53:00.001-08:00

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kourtney finally figures out how to get a little attention from the gossip rags after The Big Divorce by announcing her second pregnancy. Here are the headlines.

"Yes, I'm pregnant!"
How she & Scott went from separate bedrooms to expecting baby No. 2 - and why she still won't marry him

Best wishes to all concerned.

Hussy alert: Eva steals NBA star from his baby mama!

2011-11-30T04:28:00.001-08:00

Publication: Star

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Eva Longoria's story had all the makings of a gossip mag bonanza. Attractive actress is betrayed by her celebrity husband, in her case NBA star Tony Parker. But instead of getting sympathy, now the Star has a "world exclusive" that Eva has stole an NBA star from his baby mama.

Names are not named, but I'm assuming the star is someone other than Parker.

So instead of being a younger Sandra Bullock on TV instead of in the movies, Eva is being cast as the oldest Kardashian sister, albeit with actual talent.

Bells are Ringing (yet again) Alert™: Kristin Cavallari engaged again.

2011-11-30T04:20:00.001-08:00

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

It is the rare reality TV star who can get good press in the supermarket rags a year and a half after her show is off the air, but Kristin Cavallari appears to be that rare individual. Weekly Life & Style thinks their readers still want to know about her love life, but not enough to put a picture of her intended on the cover. You'll have to open the magazine to find out to whom she is engaged, and that is something I don't do on general principles.

Kick a corpse why don'tcha? Who really killed JFK!

2011-11-30T04:15:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Nov. 2011

The headline in the Globe reads

"Secret tapes reveal: Who really killed JFK!
- and it wasn't Oswald!

48 years after the fact and they can still sell magazines with conspiracy stories. It says something about the deep trust Americans have in the institutions of authority.

Bun in the Oven alert™: Ricki Lake pregnant at 42!

2011-11-29T04:59:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

If tabloid cover stories are any indication, American Idol is fading and Dancing With The Stars is the new top dog among reality TV shows now. The Enquirer says Ricki Lake is pregnant and calls this a "DWTS secret".

Best wishes to all concerned, if this is true. We will see when this story is reviewed at the end of June next year.

Planted crap: Twilight's sexy secrets.

2011-11-29T04:48:00.001-08:00

Publication: People

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

People has some planted crap about Twilight now that the movie is out. It includes a picture of Rob and Kristen on the cover.

Since it's People, it has to be special planted crap, so they say it's "exclusive".

Hey Old Timer Gossip: A "Where Are They Now?" story about stars of cop and detective shows.

2011-11-29T04:32:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

This week's Meanest Story competition is not as mean as recent weeks when there have been several Brave Last Days Alerts. Two reasons for this are that the low rent Examiner wasn't delivered to the usual places in Oakland and the Globe had a massive cover story that isn't mean. They have a list of old detective and cop shows with pictures of the stars. They may say some of them are going through hard times in the story inside, but on the cover it's just an invitation to nostalgia. Here are the stars and shows mentioned, each with a picture. There is a promise of an 11 page spread with even more photos. Here is the list from the cover, both of stars and shows.

Don Johnson Miami Vice
Angie Dickinson Police Woman
Cybill Sheperd Moonlighting
Edd Byrnes 77 Sunset Strip
Tyne Daly and Sharon Gless Cagney and Lacey
Dennis Franz NYPD Blue
Martin Milner and Kent McCord Adam 12

There is also a picture of the case of The Mod Squad, but no names were included. They are in a separate post.

Secrets of The Mod Squad.

2011-11-29T04:24:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The Globe has such a chock full of stars "Where Are They Now?" grab bag story on the cover that it has to be split into two posts AND an extra blank post for label overrun. After naming a whole lot of stars, there is an extra picture with the caption "Secrets of The Mod Squad!" with none of the actors named.

For the record, left to right are Michael Cole, Clarence Williams 3rd and Peggy Lipton.

Here is a link to the rest of the story as well.

Annoying extra labels for the "Where Are They Now?" story of 5 Dec 2011

2011-11-29T04:21:00.001-08:00

Lots of labels for this story. It will need two extra posts and links.

Penn State scandal: New victims come forward

2011-11-28T04:03:00.001-08:00

Publication: OK!

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Last week, People and the National Enquirer had headlines about the sex scandal at Penn State. This week, it's OK! A picture of Jerry Sandusky being put in the back seat of a squad car is included.

Least interesting story of the week: Pam Anderson to play the Virgin Mary

2011-11-28T03:58:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The Globe is OUTRAGED! Pam Anderson is slated to play the Virgin Mary on a Canadian TV comedy. The Globe also did not include a picture of Ms. Anderson to go along with their OUTRAGE, so no picture will be included here either.

This makes this true report the Least Interesting Story of the Week.

Bundle of Joy alert: Meet Connie Britton's baby.

2011-11-28T03:48:00.001-08:00

Publication: People

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Welcome to gossip heck, Connie Britton! The actress best known for the TV series Friday Night Lights has adopted a baby boy from Ethiopia named Eyob and People puts mother and son on the front cover. This is the most positive type of story the gossip rags report on and does not count as "pulling a Bullock", since Ms. Britton is in no way trying to change the topic from bad publicity that has been dogging her. She hasn't been a topic of gossip in the supermarket rags at all.

Best wishes to all concerned.

On The Rocks Alert and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Jessica's baby crisis!

2011-11-27T04:40:00.001-08:00

Publication: OK!

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Jessica Simpson is getting a lot of coverage in the past few months about her long rumored and now confirmed pregnancy and possible trouble with upcoming wedding. She got the ring a year ago, so you can hardly say she's rushing things. Here are the headlines.

Doctor's shocking warning
At war with her fiance
Jessica admits: "This is difficult"
How much more can she take?

Bells are ringing alert: Prince Harry proposes to Kate's sister!

2011-11-27T04:33:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The royal wedding this year turned Pippa Middleton into a gossip star on this side of the Atlantic. On this week's cover, the Globe says Prince Harry has proposed to "Kate's sister", but on their website they make it clear it's Pippa.

I don't believe it for a second, but I publish this stuff regardless of believability. That's kind of the point.

Hollywood stylists tell all!

2011-11-27T04:13:00.001-08:00

Publication: Star

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Star has one of those grab bag "bad help" stories dominating the front cover. This time it's Hollywood stylists dishing dirt. First there's a list of "Guess who" gossip, followed by specific insults. The part of the story that listed who smelled bad was published already as a Meanest Story of the Week nominee.

Here's the guess who part.

Who's a hoarder!
Who duct tapes her boobs!
Who goes commando!

J. Lo: Cellulite & Spanx

Angie: padded butt

Britney: Fast food stains on borrowed clothing!

Serena: bald spot

Kathie Lee: It's the pits!

Bun in the Oven Alert™: Brad confirms baby # 7

2011-11-26T03:07:00.001-08:00

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The headline only mentions Brad Pitt as a source for a rumor that the Jolie-Pitt clan will be adding another member, but the picture on the cover is of BrAngelina, so this story gets a label mentioning both of them. With these two, it may not be a Bun In The Oven Alert™ per se, but that's the only label I have that fits.

It should also be noted that a new addition to the Jolie-Pitt clan is a rumor as popular as the Kardashian pregnancy stories, and we haven't had one of those in at least two years.

On the rocks alert: Oprah begs Gayle.

2011-11-26T03:01:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The Enquirer continues their crusade to make Oprah Winfrey miserable by telling stories about her love life. This week, Gayle is allegedly leaving and Oprah begs "Please don't leave me!"

Dig up a corpse, why don'tcha? The re-opening of the Natalie Wood case makes the mainstream.

2011-11-26T02:46:00.001-08:00

Publications: People, National Enquirer

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

I have little respect for the low rent Examiner, but they deserve credit as the only magazine that was calling for the re-opening of the Natalie Wood case over the past few years. Now the big guns get in on the act, People and the National Enquirer. Here are the headlines.

People: Natalie Wood: How did she really die?
National Enquirer: Natalie Wood bombshell
Robert Wagner's cover-up revealed! - boat captain

Meanest story nominee: What happened to Kate Gosselin's face?

2011-11-25T17:31:00.001-08:00

Publication: In Touch

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Kate Gosselin had 29 cover stories in 2010. This is her fifth in 2011, a speculation about possible plastic surgery.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Super stinky stars.

2011-11-25T17:12:00.001-08:00

Publication: Star

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Star has a huge grab bag story dominating the front cover of dish from stylists. While none of it is very flattering, they have a small section of pictures of celebrities who smell bad. They include:

Brad Pitt, who has B.O.
Robert Pattinson, afficted with foot fungus
rocker Lenny Kravitz, also with bad body odor and
Daren Kagasoff, who has bad breath

This is the first mention in the tabloids for Kravitz and Kagasoff. Kagasoff is the star of the Disney TV show The Secret Life of an American Teenager, but he does not get the label DisneyTeen, because he wasn't a teenager when principal photography began on the show back in 2008.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: 271 lb. Chaz Bono collapses!

2011-11-25T17:04:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

All in all, it's not a very mean week in the supermarket rags. The low rent Examiner wasn't delivered in Oakland yet and the Globe eats up the majority of the cover with a "Where Are They Now?" story without any dire predictions of anyone dying. The meanest story in the consistently mean Enquirer has the following headlines, listed as "Exclusive breaking news!"

271 lb. Chaz colapses!
Friends race to save him

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™: Thanksgiving 2011 prophecies go bust.

2011-11-25T03:48:00.001-08:00

The Sun likes prophecies about easy to remember dates, bad stuff happening on 4th of July or New Years or Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving, there were supposed to be al Qaeda nukes which would herald the return of Jesus.

Thursday came and went relatively nuclear bomb free.

As for those of you very keen on the return of Jesus, well... you may have to wait a little longer.

Missed deadline alert: Michael Douglas is still alive.

2011-11-25T03:36:00.001-08:00

Last year, we got two separate expiration dates for Michael Douglas in the gossip rags. One said he would be dead by last January, obviously not true. There was also a story in the Globe with the big headline NO HOPE FOR MICHAEL DOUGLAS with friends fearing that Thanksgiving 2010 would be his last.

We just had Thanksgiving 2011. Hope you enjoyed yours as I enjoyed mine. And special good wishes to Michael Douglas and his family, hoping he has several more to enjoy in the future.

From a fan.

On the rocks alert: Six stories about the Demi-Ashton divorce.

2011-11-24T12:00:00.001-08:00

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, In Touch, Star

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Six cover stories about the Demi Moore-Ashton Kutcher divorce announcement this week. The only magazine that might have put it on the cover and didn't was the Enquirer. The Globe and the low rent Examiner aren't interested in people this young, except for British royalty.

Here are the headlines.

People: Demi & Ashton split
Inside the final days
$290 million divorce
The real story
Their "intense" fights
A desperate last-ditch trip to save the marriage
how age, cheating and insecurity domed them
OK!: Ashton & Demi divorce
Why she finally left
Weekly Life & Style: Why Demi finally left Ashton
Star: Demi divorce bombshell
Ashton's new lies
In Touch: The final insult
What Demi found!
Us Weekly: How Demi got the courage to dump Ashton

This week's stories about Jennifer Lopez's love life.

2011-11-24T11:52:00.001-08:00

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Lots of stories about J. Lo this week in the gossip rags. There are two stories about her love life and she's mentioned in a "Stylists Tell All" grab bag that will be covered tomorrow. Here are the love life headlines.

In Touch: J. Lo: Dating a criminal
Us Weekly: Sex with her ex:J. Lo and Marc's secret hookup

Kim'N'Kris: Three stories on Turkey Day about these turkeys

2011-11-24T11:39:00.001-08:00

Publications: Us Weekly, OK!, Weekly Life & Style

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The number of Kim'N'Kris stories went up to three this week, including two lead stories. Last week, it was only two stories with one being a lead. Here are the headlines.

Us Weekly: Husband from hell
The truth comes out
He hit on other women, called Kim FAT and mocked her family
Why she couldn't fake it anymore
Weekly Life & Style: The Kardashians' biggest fear:
Kris sues Kim for $10 million
Now it's war!
The Kardashians go ballistic as Kris' family exposes all their dirty secrets
OK!: Breaking news: Kim & Kris talk reunion

Once again, OK! cements its reputation as the nicest if not most reliable of the gossip rags. The idea that they are getting back together again is extremely far-fetched if there is a shred of truth in all the other dozens of stories we've been bombarded with over the past two months. In fact, you have to go back to late September to find the last positive cover story about Kim'n'Kris, when OK! reported she was pregnant.

Fussin' and Feudin' alert: Justin's ex confronts Jen.

2011-11-24T02:40:00.001-08:00

Publication: Star

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! How does a guy get in the Top Ten of mentions in gossip rags? Well, either he's the President of the United States or he's squiring some woman in also in the Top Ten. Justin Theroux has chosen Option #2. According to Star, some woman he previously squired confronted his current girlfriend Jennifer Aniston.

Bad help alert: Angelina's assistant tells all!

2011-11-24T02:31:00.001-08:00

Publication: In Touch

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! As I have noted before, other celebrities actually have to do something to get on the cover of the gossip rags. Angelina Jolie merely has to exist. On the cover of In Touch is a picture of her with several of her daughters and several unflattering headlines from an assistant who is now spilling the beans.

"She can't hide the crazy"
Locks kids in bedrooms while she gets drunk
Her disturbing online addiction
Strange soup diet

Okay, I take exception to the last one. Soup is good food!

On the rocks alert: Bruce and Kris Jenner.

2011-11-24T02:11:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to gossip hell, Bruce Jenner! For the first time in at least two years, the most invisible adult in the Kardashian family circus gets on the cover of a supermarket gossip rag with a rumor of divorce from the woman who pimps out her own daughters for fame, now including Jenner's underage biological daughters.

I'm old enough to remember when he was a great athlete, but I also remember even then he made some questionable decisions trying to turn a decathlon championship into a career.

Love Bird Alert: Cameron and Diddy - a shocking new couple

2011-11-23T03:18:00.001-08:00

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Us Weekly calls Cameron Diaz and Diddy (or P. Diddy or Puff Daddy or Sean Combs or whatever name he is using now) a "shocking new couple".

I personally am not shocked. They are both rich, famous and single, he's 42 and she's 39 so there isn't a massive age difference or any thought of them being "too young". They both seem to be in it for a good time.

Is interracial dating shocking in 2011?

Honey, please.

Matt Lauer's "Where in the World" travel diary!

2011-11-23T03:11:00.001-08:00

Publication: OK!

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

OK! gives Matt Lauer's travel gimmick a plug.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert: Tanya's olive branch to Glen rejected

2011-11-23T03:04:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Tanya Tucker and Glen Campbell used to date back when Reagan was president, but it did not end well. (Neither did the Reagan presidency, but that's a story for another day.) In any case, the hatchet is not yet buried and the low rent Examiner wants us to know about it. Here are the headlines.

Tanya begs ex-love Glen
"Let's make up!"
"No way" - he says

Weekly World News alert: Taxidermist survives 30 years on road kill.

2011-11-23T02:59:00.001-08:00

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The Sun predicted the end of the world again this week, but didn't give a testable date so I won't print what they said. This means the only contribution from that cover is the Weekly World News story about a taxidermist living on roadkill for 30 years.

On the rocks alert: Katy betrayed by Russell.

2011-11-22T04:10:00.001-08:00

Publication: In Touch

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Katy Perry and Russell Brand got married last November in India. Since then, every story about them has claimed their marriage is in trouble, the most recent was last August.

For those of you keeping track at home, their marriage has lasted at least five times as long as the Kardashian-Humphries wedding and is well on its way to six times as long.

Bells Done Rung: Kim Z.'s wedding album

2011-11-22T04:01:00.001-08:00

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

News has been slow on the Real Housewives front for a few weeks now, but Kim Zolchiak just had a modest little $1,000,000 wedding and Weekly Life & Style thought we in the 99% would like to see pictures from this opulent display.

Casey Anthony survives assassination attempt!

2011-11-22T03:54:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The Enquirer would like to remind everyone that Casey Anthony is still the most hated person in America with a story about her surviving an assassination attempt. Here are the headlines.

Killer wanted to put a bullet through her brain
She's pulled from kill zone & rushed to a new safe house

A lawyer for Anthony denies the entire story.

Herman Cain is a liar!

2011-11-21T03:38:00.001-08:00

Photo by Brian Snyder (REUTERS)
Publication: Globe
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

American Media Inc. has shown a keen interest in the 2012 election. It can be taken for granted that all stories about Obama and his family are negative, but they are mainly in the Globe and the low rent Examiner. The flagship National Enquirer leaves Obama alone for now.

It's a very different story when dealing with the Republican candidates. They loved the idea of Donald Trump for president, a truly ridiculous concept from the very start, but they have been viciously against several other candidates. They sniped at Sarah Palin when she was still being coy about running, they said Rick Perry had ties to the Klan, and now they set their sites on fading former front-runner Herman Cain. After a story in the Enquirer last week about Cain and a White House intern, now the Globe has a headine about a "truth detection test" that proves Herman Cain is a liar.

So far, Mitt Romney has largely been spared, with one "prophecy" in the Sun, a magazine so far down the food chain that no one pays attention. (Well, no one but me, but I'm a little OCD about this stuff.) It will be interesting to see if the Enquirer starts writing bad things about Newt Gingrich. It's not like he has no skeletons in his closet.

Buns in the Oven alerts™! Babies for Carrie and Fergie

2011-11-21T03:25:00.001-08:00

Publication: OK!

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

OK!, the nicest if not the most reliable of the gossip rags, plasters the word "Official!" across their cover this week and announces two pregnancies.

The first is Carrie Underwood. This has been denied.

The second is Fergie, singer with the Black Eyed Peas, pictured here with her husband Josh Duhamel. The couple has denied this rumor as well.

Easy rule of thumb. The only gossip rag where the word "official" really means official is People. All the rest of them make stuff up on a regular basis, nice or otherwise.

Goodbye, Regis!

2011-11-21T03:14:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The Globe and the low rent Examiner take turns on putting Regis Philbin on their cover and most of the stories have a negative slant. For example, back last January the Globe said Regis was leaving his show because he was dying. Now that the show actually is coming to an end, they give him a surprisingly nice farewell. Here are the headlines.

special tribute inside
Plus: Who's replacing him

How to dress ten pounds thinner.

2011-11-20T08:31:00.001-08:00

Publication: OK!

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

OK! has a cover story with advice about how to dress ten pounds thinner, with a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt next to the caption.

Here's some fashion advice from a dirty old man. If you can show cleavage like that, guys will probably not notice anything else.

Just sayin'.

Secrets taken to the grave alert: Another story about Jackie O.

2011-11-20T08:26:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner goes for nothing but Hey Old Timer Gossip this week, including a story that claims Jackie O took some secret to her grave.

Honestly, won't everybody take at least one secret to the grave?

Problems with Plastic alert: Sandra's new face.

2011-11-20T08:21:00.001-08:00

Publication: OK!

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

There is speculation from long distance pictures that Sandra Bullock has had some work done on her lips. This picture is from RadarOnline and the story in the supermarket rags is from OK!

Mary Tyler Moore cheats death!

2011-11-20T08:13:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

More "Hey, Old Timer!" gossip from the Globe, one of the two supermarket rags that skews older and more morbid than the rest. (The other is the low rent Examiner, a fellow kennel mate at American Media, Inc., owner of the five meanest of the American gossip magazines.) The sub headline reads "secret hospital drama". "Drama" is code for a story that isn't even remotely similar to the sensationalistic headlines and often false in the bargain.

Best wishes to Miss Moore, her family and friends, from a fan.

All this week's BrAngelina mishegas before Turkey Day.

2011-11-19T18:59:00.001-08:00

Publications: OK!, In Touch

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

I have written it before but it bears repeating. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don't actually have to do anything newsworthy to show up on the covers of the gossip rags, they just have to exist.

Here are this week's headlines.

In Touch: Angelina ruins Thanksgiving!
OK!: Brad & Angie: Wedding rehearsal

While only Angie is mentioned in the cover headline of In Touch, the picture is of both, so it counts as a BrAngelina story instead of a solo.

And the camera noses in to the tears on their faces: The supermarket rags take on Penn State.

2011-11-19T18:53:00.001-08:00

Publications: People, National Enquirer

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The story of the sex scandal is definitely the kind of story that has to get a mention in the gossip rags, and it falls upon People and the National Enquirer to do the work, a classic Luke vs. Darth match-up.

Here are the headlines.

People: Penn State: Pain & Betrayal
The Victims
The accused
Will there be justice?
National Enquirer: Penn State sex scandal
What coach's wife is hiding

Sexiest Man Alive: Bradley Cooper

2011-11-19T04:55:00.001-08:00

Publication: People

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

People has their Sexiest Man Alive issue once again, and just like last year, I had to say, "What? That guy?" when I saw their choice, Bradley Cooper. (Last year it was Ryan Reynolds.)

Also mentioned by first name only were George (Clooney), Brad (Pitt), Zac (Efron), Kellan (Lutz, the reason this gets the Planted Crap label), Justin (guess which one, they tease? I looked inside. Theroux)

They also had a smaller picture of Ryan Gosling and a promise of 123 super hot guys inside.

Notice last year's Sexiest Man Alive isn't even worth a mention on the cover, but another Ryan gets a picture.

Sic transit gloria mundi, y'all!

Annoying label bookkeeping for Sexiest Man Alive 2011

2011-11-19T04:54:00.001-08:00

A link to the post above made necessary by too many labels.

Love Bird Alert™: Rob wants to marry Kristen

2011-11-18T18:07:00.001-08:00

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Now that the latest installment of Twilight is out, the level of planted crap has to rise.

It's like a law of physics or something.

In any case, Rob want to marry Kristen, according to this headline. Under my cynical hermit crab shell there is still a little bit of romantic that hopes this is true. They look so cute in this picture.

Hairdresser Alert™: One of the Twilight hunks is gay!

2011-11-18T17:55:00.001-08:00

Publication: Star

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Now that the latest installment of the Twilight movies is out, expect the level of planted crap to rise. Star has a mean streak even when it prints planted crap, and they say one of the young men in this picture (Kellan Lutz, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner) is coming out soon. here are the headlines.

Twilight hunk: I'm gay!
Who will make the shocking announcement?

Not that it means a thing, but Kellan is the only one who hasn't had his name plastered all over the gossip rags famously squiring a lovely young thing. Rob is still deeply in gossip mag love with Kristen Stewart (see story above, also planted crap), while Taylor Lautner was dating Taylor Swift a few boyfriends back.

Both or either of those could be smokescreens. Just sayin'.

Meanest story nominee: The low rent Examiner has another Sad Last Days collection.

2011-11-18T02:25:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

For the fourth time this year, the low rent Examiner goes on a hypothetical killing spree and tells us who is going to die soon. As usual, their list has a lot of TV stars from the 1960s and 1970s and only one true Hollywood legend.

Welcome to gossip hell, Robert Conrad!

Welcome to gossip hell, Andy Williams! He announced his cancer on stage a few weeks back. That must have been a fun night out for his fans.

Miss Lauren Bacall has been mentioned before, but this is her first time being slated for death.

Don't worry too much, Miss Bacall. They aren't that good at predicting these things.

This is also Rose Marie's first time on a tabloid death watch list.

And then there's Penny Marshall, by far the youngest person on the list but the only one who has already been marked for death by the gossip rags. If fact, she has an expiration date in the spring of next year.

If it's any consolation, they aren't particularly good at guessing the date people will die.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Kirstie cancer drama!

2011-11-18T02:04:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

If there is anyone new to this blog just stumbling upon this story, you should know that the AMI owned gossip rags hate fat Scientologists in general and Kirstie Alley in particular. More than this, the Flagship, my nickname for the Enquirer, has first dibs on hating her. Here are this week's headlines.

Kirstie cancer drama
Heavy smoking is killing her

This is not the first time Kirstie has been marked for death in the tabloids. She was given three years to live back in 2009 before this blog started.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Muhammad Ali has six months to live!

2011-11-18T01:58:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier. Here are the headlines.

Muhammad Ali: Six months to live, friends fear
New tragedy after Joe Frazier dies

At least the great champ Frazier get some acknowledgment. Best wishes to Ali, his family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Pregnant Kate collapses!

2011-11-18T01:37:00.001-08:00

Publication: Star

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Kate Middleton's pregnancy is not a fact universally acknowledged in the supermarket rags, but the AMI kennel are very keen on the idea that she is with child and it's not going well. Here are the headlines from the Star.

Pregnant Kate collapses
Exclusive
Frantic fight to save baby
Ambulance called after William finds her unconscious on floor
It happened here (caption on aerial photo)
Terrifying medical drama at Prince Charles' Scottish retreat

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bun in the Oven Alert™: The positive stories about the pregnancy of Kate Middleton.

2011-11-18T01:19:00.001-08:00

Publications: Globe, In Touch, Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

It has now been eight months since the first rumor of Kate Middleton being pregnant was on a cover of an American supermarket rag. Some magazines are still printing it like it's a widely acknowledged fact and others speak of it as a future event. Here are the nicest headlines about it this week, with the nastiest being saved for the Meanest Story of the Week competition.

Globe: Camilla stuns pregnant Kate
I don't want to be queen!
Shocking reason Camilla accepted defeat
In Touch: Kate's six weeks pregnant
A royal baby!
How the happy & relieved princess is getting ready: 3 nurseries, a $1 million push present & the baby's name!
Plus: her crazy cravings
Us: Will & Kate: Ready for baby
She wants a boy - and a girl!
Kate prepares to be a mom as Will's overseas duty puts their new marriage to the test

I'll believe she's pregnant when it's published in People or some other legitimate source. When she gives birth, I'll do the backward countdown to see which of the many rumored pregnancy starts deserves a scoop of the week label.

A story about the Middleton sisters.

2011-11-18T01:15:00.001-08:00

Publication: People

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The big star of the gossip week in America is Kate Middleton. This is the only story that makes no mention of pregnancy and it is the only mention of her sister Pippa. The headline reads:

Royal drama
Kate shines, Pippa splits

This week's Demi and Ashton headlines.

2011-11-17T20:50:00.001-08:00

Publications: National Enquirer, Star, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

More stories this week about Demi and Ashton than there are about Kim Kardashian. Could the supermarket rags be getting over her at last? It's early, but I think it's also possible. Here are the Ashton-Demi headlines, printed mere hours before the divorce proceedings were made public.

National Enquirer: Demi's face is melting!
Ashton's cheating is taking a toll
(now and 6 months ago)
Star: Exclusive details
Demi: How 'Open Marriage' destroyed her
Weekly Life & Style: January's baby: Is Ashton the dad?
Us Weekly: Ashton & Demi's vacation to save their marriage

A lot of magazines have been predicting the divorce for a while, so I'm not handing out a scoop for this one, but if the rumor about January Jones' baby is true, that could very well have been the last straw.

Love bird alert™: J. Lo dating a 24-year-old.

2011-11-17T20:42:00.001-08:00

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays. Two stories about Jennifer Lopez, singer, actress, TV personality and high maintenance beee-yotch extraordinaire, has a new boy toy who does not meet the Sophisticated French Rule. She is now 42, so half her age plus seven is 28 and she is dating a 24-year-old.

Typical diva nonsense. Here are the headlines.

People: J. Lo's new man: He's 24
Weekly Life & Style: 42-year-old J. Lo dating a 24-year-old!

Here's where I usually type some encouragement, but this woman has to get over herself.

Breaking news: Demi Moore divorcing Ashton Kutcher.

2011-11-17T17:57:00.001-08:00

Publication: Huffington Post

Date: 17 Nov. 2011

After months of speculation, Demi Moore makes it official that she is divorcing Ashton Kutcher's cheating ass. I'll be posting the headlines about the couple from the supermarket rags later this evening.

This week's Kim'n'Kris noise, all from his side.

2011-11-17T02:56:00.001-08:00

Publications: OK!, In Touch

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The recent wave of Kim'n'Kris stories looks to be waning quickly. There were a stunning seven stories just two weeks ago and six last week, but this week there are four stories about the family in general and only two mention the estranged husband. Here are his headlines.

OK!: Kris breaks his silence
His side of the story
Kim's furious!
Deceived, ignored and humiliated
The nasty battle over money
The explosive details Kim doesn't want you to read
In Touch: Kris fires back at Kim: "She's garbage!"

It would be premature to say this story is over, but if the Kim'n'Kris label survives into 2012, it's not going to be one of the year's most popular like it was in 2011. The larger question is how much damage this does to the Kardashian brand.

On the rocks alert: Kim stole my husband!

2011-11-17T02:49:00.001-08:00

Publication: Star

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Over the past few months, stories about Kim have either focused on the marriage (almost all bad) or how she looks in a swimsuit (pretty damn foine, as the young people say). Now comes a story about her being a man stealer, and the man in question is not Kris Humphries. Here are the headlines.

Angry wife tells all
New Kardashian scandal

On the rocks alert and man slut alert: Kourtney betrayed by Scott!

2011-11-17T02:36:00.001-08:00

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Over recent months, the lion's share of Kardashian stories have been about Kim, but this week Kourtney and her no-good boyfriend get a big cover spread on Weekly Life & Style. Here are the headlines.

Betrayed: Scott's affair with Kristin
A devastated Kourtney calls off the wedding
Another Kardashian bombshell
Sleazy Scott caught with Kristin Cavallari in Vegas

And since she's mentioned, here's a picture of Kristin, a former reality TV star so definitely in Scott's league, but not a cash cow, so he might want to rethink this.

If what happens in Scott Disick's rum and testosterone fevered brain can be called thinking.

Breaking news: Woman accusing Justin Bieber drops her lawsuit.

2011-11-16T05:57:00.001-08:00

Publication: TMZ.com

Date: 16 Nov. 2011

If you want maximum coverage for a gossip story, leak the news on a Monday like Kim Kardashian did with her divorce. If you want minimum coverage, Wednesday morning news has to wait eight days and is often largely forgotten. The young woman who claimed Justin Bieber was the father of her child has retracted her lawsuit after his lawyers threatened to counter-sue.

And this was leaked on a Wednesday. My best guess is the young woman wants to slink away into relative obscurity.

Least interesting story of the week: NASCAR drug scandal explodes!

2011-11-16T05:55:00.001-08:00

Publication: Globe

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

No picture is included on the cover, as well as no names, so I will follow suit.

Nothing to see here. Literally.

Gabby Giffords: Her Amazing Story

2011-11-16T05:07:00.001-08:00

Publication: People

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

People gives most of their cover this week to Gabby Giffords. Here are the headlines.

The untold tale of the Arizona congresswoman's remarkable - and ongoing - recovery from an assassination attempt

Best wishes to Rep. Giffords, her family and friends.

Problems with Plastic alert™: Plastic surgery shockers!

2011-11-16T05:00:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The Enquirer has another grab-bag story on the cover about celebrities who have had plastic surgery that sucks. The headline reads "The good, the bad and the really ugly", but as usual, they leave the good off the front cover. Here are the women they trash, including gossip hell newcomers Dyan Cannon and Susan Lucci.

Barbara Walters - what went wrong
Dyan Cannon - over the top
Susan Lucci - Elastic face & squinty eyes
Lindsay Lohan - bloated disaster

Weekly World News alert: Titanic survivor finds love on remote island.

2011-11-16T04:50:00.001-08:00

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

If you've stopped by this blog before, you know I have a soft spot for the Weekly World News, the very silly tabloid that has seen better days. I keep hoping they will come up with a recurring character or theme as good as Batboy or the alien who endorses candidates, but that possibility seems remote. They bring back a character from earlier this year on the cover, the Titanic survivor who is disgusted with the modern world and wants to go back to some remote island. Now, she has found love there.

Isn't that nice? Let's ignore the fact that the ship sank 99 years ago and just be happy for this hypothetical hermit.

Bells Done Rung™: Drew Barrymore's secret wedding

2011-11-15T19:08:00.001-08:00

Publication: Star

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Drew Barrymore! Star's exclusive story that she is secretly married is her first mention in the supermarket rags in two years.

Drew Carey gets mentioned more often. John Barrymore gets mentioned more often.

Okay, I made that last one up.

Bun in the oven alert™ and on the rocks alert Jessica Simpson, pregnant and betrayed!

2011-11-15T19:02:00.001-08:00

Publication: OK!

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The gossip rags have it in for Jessica Simpson in general, and you know it's bad when OK!, the nicest if not the most reliable of the gossip rags, joins in on the dogpile. Here are the headlines.

The real reason the wedding's on hold
The nasty battle over the prenup
Jessica fights to protect her $700 million fashion empire

Bundle of joy alert: Tori Spelling's new daughter Hattie.

2011-11-15T18:56:00.001-08:00

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Tori Spelling has been the target of a lot of bad gossip, but now she gets the nicest possible story, showing the world her healthy new baby, a daughter named Hattie.

On the goofy name scale, Hattie is more old-fashioned than goofy (Aleph, go enjoy your play date with Apple!), and even though it looks like she might not even have opened her eyes yet, she is just adorable and this blog wishes her and all concerned all the happiness in the world.

Stars without make-up for Nov. 2011

2011-11-14T02:18:00.001-08:00

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner borrows a story idea from Star, one of its better funded AMI kennel mates, and devotes most of the cover to celebrity women not wearing make-up. Being the low rent Examiner, the list of course includes some older women, notably Barbara Walters and Katie Couric, but it also has several women less than 50 years of age, including Kate Hudson, Debra Messing and Edie Falco