Thursday, December 8, 2011

Shutting down the gossip blog.

This will be the last post.  I've now written over 3,000 updates from the gossip rags and I've come to an unmistakable conclusion.

I am not their target audience and I never will be.

This wasn't the worst hobby I ever tried, but I've grown tired of it and you can get what I put on the Internet through other sources who really are interested in this silly stuff.

What have I learned in two years.

These magazines lie a lot.  I knew that already, but it's really obvious when you read it week after week and keep track of verifiable stuff, most notably people being born and people dying.

These magazines are waaaay too interested in reality TV.  They like this stuff and I hated it even when I had a TV.  I thought there might be a backlash against the Kardashians after the sham marriage, but no such luck.  It's the old adage "There is no such thing as bad publicity."  And looking at the headlines from this week that I won't be posting, Teen Mom must be coming back on soon, judging by a slew of stories in several magazines about Leah.

I'm a middle aged heterosexual male, which makes me about the last person they expect to read this stuff.  I might add that I'm college educated and from the West Coast.  There are a couple of gossip rags that tend to skew older and more Southern than I am and the others skew younger and with a more feminine perpsective.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by and commented, especially Karen Zipdrive.  I'll leave the blog up as a reference but I won't be adding any more stories.

I no longer keep tab of the tabs.  If you are interested, you'll have to do the legwork yourself.



Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Breaking news: Actor Harry Morgan dead at 96

(photo from Associated Press)

The actor Harry Morgan, well-known from the cast of the tv shows M*A*S*H and Dragnet has died at the age of 96.  There were several stories about Brave Last Days for TV stars of his era in the tabloids this year and his name was not mentioned once.  This is a prime example of why the tabloid suck at predicting who will die.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Harry Morgan, from a fan.


On the rocks alert:
Dolly's shocking secret!

 Publication: National Examiner
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow!  Last trash of the week... right now!

The Examiner thinks its readers want to know bad things about Miss Dolly Parton.  Here are their headlines, the villians.
  • She no longer lives with hubby (Carl Dean)
  • He's in mansion, she's in cottage

Saying bad things about Miss Dolly Parton gets a visit from the disapproving rabbit.

The Enquirer goes after J.R. Martinez.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

I have an odd relationship with the gossip world.  I don't watch the TV shows they follow and I don't read what's inside. All I know is what's on the cover.  I know J.R. Martinez won Dancing With The Stars this season, so the public likes him.  This means the Enquirer has some perverse notion that he needs to be chopped down to size.  Here are their headlines.
  • DWTS J.R. Martinez Shocking tell-all!
  • Women
  • War wounds
  • Winning
Let me say something nice about the Enquirer, even though I know their hearts are in the wrong place.

Nice alliteration.





Heroes return from Iraq

Publication: People
Date: 12 Dec. 2011
People has a cover story about our returning soldiers. Here are the headlines.
  • Emotional homecomings
  • Family reunions
  • Plans for the future 
Best wishes to all concerned and thank you for your service to our country.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Celebrity chef scandals!

Publication: Star
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Star says it has the inside scoop on celebrity chef scandals, with stories of "booze, babes and murder"!  The three pictures on the cover are Rachel Ray and two newcomers to gossip hell, Guy Fieri and Bobby Flay.


Damn You Skinny Alert™:
More skin and bone celebrities.

 Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The main story on the cover of Weekly Life & Style this week was about too skinny Angelina Jolie.  Two other less famous female celebrities were also mentioned.
They claim Real Housewife Bethenny forgets to eat.
And already too skinny Leann Rimes is allegedly skinnier than ever.

Damn You Skinny Alert™ and Love Bird Alert™:
Jessica and Ramon lose weight and fall in love.

Publication: OK!
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

OK! give us a nice story from reality TV show The Biggest Loser. Here are the headlines.
  • Jessica and Ramon
  • How we lost 240 pounds!
  • And fell in love
That's a nice story.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Fussin' and Feudin' alert:
Why Scarlett hates Blake!

 Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 12 Dec. 2011
Us tells its readers that there is bad blood between actresses Scarlett Johannson and Blake Lively.  I did not open the magazine to find out why.


All I will say is that if these two decide to fight, I'm willing to offer my services as referee.

Kick several corpses, why don'tcha?:
Frank Sinatra bedded two First Ladies.

Publication: Globe
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The Globe gives a tip of the hat to its geezer demographic by spilling the dirt on Francis Albert Sinatra.  According to a new tell all book, Sinatra had sex with two different First Ladies.

I did not open the Globe to find out the names.  I leave that to my more motivated readers.  I'm guessing here, but it wasn't Eleanor Roosevelt and Pat Nixon.


Weekly World New alert:
Qaddafi hiding in the Catskills.

 Publication: Weekly World News
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The Weekly World News reports that Moammar Qaddafi, famously and publicly assassinated by a mob, is actually alive and hiding in the Catskills Mountains.

I don't want to tell them their business, but this seems unlikely.

 It could just be a case of mistaken identity.

Sadly, there is more than one person they could have seen who could be fairly confused for Qaddafi.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Love Bird Alert™:
Bachelor's Emily dating Vienna's ex

 Publication: In Touch
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

In Touch says Bachelorette Emily is dating the former beau of Bachelorette Vienna.

Even though I have been writing this blog for about two years now, I remember almost no details about all the Bachelor people.  But I think I recall that if they are going to have a You So Crazy competition, put a few bucks on Vienna.

Ellen wants to be Oprah.


Publication: National Examiner
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The low rent Examiner says they have all the details about how Ellen DeGeneres wants to be Oprah Winfrey.

I see three challenges in this understandable life's wish.
  1. There's the whole skin tone/ethnicity thing.
  2. You, Ellen, actually have a skill as a comedian, while Oprah's skill is more difficult to define.
  3. You, Ellen, are gay, while Oprah is...
Okay, maybe I only see two challenges.

On the rocks alert:
Two different versions of the break-up of Ali and Roberto from The Bachelorette.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 12 Dec. 2011
 
I am not a watcher of reality TV. The various versions of The Bachelor do not have the absolutely least interest to me of all reality TV - that's probably Teen Mom or Toddlers'N'Tiaras - but when I hear about the inevitable romantic troubles the couples get into, I can only think of those wise words of Rocket J. Squirrel and the overly optimistic reply of his friend Bulwinkle.

"But that trick never works!"
 
"This time for sure!"
Ali and Roberto are no more.  Who showed whom the door?  It depends on which gossip rag you believe.
  • People: The Bachelorette break-up
    Exclusive
    Why I Left Him
    Ali's Tears and Regrets
    Inside their explosive fights and heartbreaking final night together
    Roberto 'Devastated'
  • Weekly Life & Style: Why he left Ali
I do not know the truth but I believe the People version, in part because of the extra details and in part because it's People vs. Weekly Life & StylePeople isn't perfect, but it's a lot better than the rest in terms of reporting.



Saturday, December 3, 2011

This week's Natalie Wood stories.

Publications: Globe, National Enquirer
Date: 12 Dec 2011
Let us recall that the Natalie Wood story was the exclusive possession of the low rent Examiner before the case was re-opened, but now that it has been re-opened, the other, and more well heeled Wicked Step Sisters are running with the story.  Here are the headlines.
  • National Enquirer: Only in the Enquirer
    Christopher Walken phone call revealed
    Natalie Wood sex secret
    What cops were never told
  • Globe: Natalie Wood case solved!
    World exclusive
    30 years after shocking death
    New evidence: her last words reveal what REALLY happened
    Plus: Natalie's secret diaries
    Are they telling the truth?
    Pictures of Robert Wagner and Christopher Walken

Sandra's mid-life makeover.

Publication: Star
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Over the past two years, the biggest stars in the supermarket rags have been Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.  In that group, only Angelina (36) is less than 40 years old.  They are all good actors, but part of their job is to look good, and that gets harder in our youth obsessed culture as we get older. Sandra Bullock is now 47, so it isn't unfair of Star to use the phrase "mid-life" on their headline.  Whether this makeover includes plastic surgery or not is not mentioned on cover.

Man slut alert:
Ashton Kutcher's wild nights after split

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

If we are to believe Us Weekly, Ashton Kutcher is going out and having fun since Demi Moore tossed him out of the house.

If we believe the gossip rags in general, this means the divorce hasn't changed his routine at all.


Friday, December 2, 2011

Annoying link to story below because of too many labels.

All this week's Twilight related gossip.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Lots more planted crap about the stars of Twilight this week.  Here are the headlines.
  • In Touch: It's official!
    Secret wedding in England!
    Rob & Kristen Exclusive
    The dress, the dreamy venue & her shocking vow
  • OK!:  Rob to Taylor
    Stay away from Kristen
  • Weekly Life & Style: Inside Rob & Kristen's love nest

All this week's BrAngelina drama.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, National Enquirer
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Two very different stories this week, mainly about Angelina Jolie, but Brad and daughter Shiloh get mentioned as well, so they count as BrAngelina.  Here are the headlines.
  • Weekly Life & Style:  Angelina: Desperate to be skinny
    She's surviving on just 600 calories a day
    Brad begs a stressed and frail Angelina to stop starving herself
  • National Enquirer: Brad rages at Angelina for raising Shiloh as a boy!
    All the details
    Put her in a dress! Brad orders Angie!

Prophecy Alert™:
What the Dead Sea Scrolls can tell us about the next 100 days!

Publication: Sun
Date: 12 Dec. 2011
 
For those of you keeping score at home, the Dead Sea Scrolls are re-discovered texts, most of the them of Old Testament books, probably written in the centuries just before the birth of Christ.  I haven't seen anyone serious say they are prophetic, but that has never stopped the Sun before.  They give us a few tidbits of 100 prophecies that are supposed to come true in the next 100 days, so let's call that March 10 of next year.
  • Miracle turnaround in the economy
  • Another sex scandal in the election
Let it be noted that the drop in unemployment from 9.0% to 8.6% happened after these prophecies were published, so that was pretty good news.  I'm gonna get all arbitrary and say unemployment under 8.0% is good news and 7.5% or under would constitute a miracle.
 
As for another sex scandal, if Cain, Perry and Gingrich stay in the race, the odds of that one are pretty good as well. I'm again going to be arbitrary and say Ginger White came forward before this hit the stands, so any sex scandal has to be after her.

I'll report back on March 10.


Meanest Story nominee:
Hollywood weight battles!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 12 Dec. 2011 

The Enquirer has a grab bag story of female celebrities struggling with their weight. Here are the headlines.
    Oprah 280 lbs.
    Boozing and Binge Eating
    Talk queen ordered "Diet or Die!"
    Demi Moore 90 lbs.
    Dramatic intervention to get her to eat
    Ricki Lake 140 libs.
    Too fat for wedding dress
    Desperate to lose 20 lbs.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.


Meanest story nominee:
Who is Obama's real father?

 Publication: Globe
Date: 12 Dec. 2011
The Globe goes with a story that cops who are probing Obama (probably that publicity hound Joe Arapaio, though he is not named) are trying to find out who his true father is.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious.  If you watched the first three movies (a.k.a. The Good Ones), you've heard Vader's voice and he is like so obvs black.  And more than that, it's clear that the force is strong in Barack Hussein Skywalker Obama.

Mystery solved!

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Annoying label bookkeeping post for mother daughter feud story below.

Meanest story nominee:
Hollywood's nastiest Mother-Daughter feuds!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

After going missing from Oakland newspaper racks last week, the low rent Examiner is back and ready to compete in the Meanest Story competition with a grab bag story about the moms and daughters who just don't get along.  With moms listed first, the three pairs named on the cover are: 
  • Nancy Reagan and Patti Davis
  • Martha and Alexis Stewart
  • Susan Jordan and Meg Ryan
This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Love bird alert™:
J. Lo's new man meets her kids.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 12 Dec. 2011
For the record, the guy now squiring Jennifer Lopez is named Casper Smart.

Going on the record, I think the only thing smart about him is his last name.

I mention his name because eventually some gossip rag will.  Right now, he's just "J. Lo's new boyfriend", so he gets no label yet.

Who know? Maybe they will become J-Casp or LoSmart or some other cute name.

Personally, I'm not holding my breath. I think he's romantic roadkill.



Fussin' and Feudin' Alert:
Scott's plan to destroy Kim!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  Scott Disick is going to destroy Kim Kardashian!

Wait a second.  Take a look at this picture.  Who is in the center of this picture?

Okay, fair enough, Kris Jenner is in the center of this picture, but Kim is in white showing the absolute most cleavage.

Who is farthest from the center of this picture?

No question.  Scott Disick.

The only thing in this world Scott Disick is capable of destroying is his own liver.


All the Kim'N'Kris noise for the week.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Star
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! I do hope that Kim Kardashian's star is fading, but I'm not silly enough to expect she would vanish from the gossip rags overnight.  There are four stories about her this week, one which ignores her estranged husband and will be reported separately.  Here are the headlines.
  • OK!: Kim to Kris: Stop calling me fat!
  • Weekly Life & Style: Kim alone for the holidays
  • Star: Kim's bombshell: Kris is gay!
    Secret behind marriage disaster
    He wouldn't touch her after the honeymoon
    what Khloe saw
    NOW Kris vows to DESTROY the Kardashians

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and On the Rocks Alert:
Jen and Justin getting married or breaking up.

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 12 Dec. 2011
 
Justin Theroux gets on the cover of two magazines this week, both mentions in his role as Jennifer Aniston's boyfriend.  Here are the headlines.
  • Star: Jen engaged (picture of Justin)
    Star exclusive!
    See the ring
  • In Touch: Jen & Justin headed for a split



Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Holiday Weddings for Kourtney and Jen!

Publication: OK!
Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  Us Weekly and OK! are pointing in opposite directions this week in regards to the possible marriage of Kourtney Kardashian.  OK!, no longer the nicest mag (overtaken by People) but still among the least reliable, says Jennifer Aniston is getting hitched before New Year as well.  Here are the headlines.
  • Why they're both rushing to marry before the new year
  • PLUS: who has a baby on the way - already!

Bun in the Oven Alert™:
Kourtney is pregnant!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 12 Dec. 2011
Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kourtney finally figures out how to get a little attention from the gossip rags after The Big Divorce by announcing her second pregnancy.  Here are the headlines.
  • "Yes, I'm pregnant!"
  • How she & Scott went from separate bedrooms to expecting baby No. 2 - and why she still won't marry him
     
Best wishes to all concerned.