Monday, October 31, 2011

Breaking news:
Jessica Simpson confirms she's pregnant, one month after the first gossip rag mention.

Publication: Her website 
 Date: 31 Nov. 2011

Jessica Simpson is finally admitting what has been speculation for several weeks now, that she is pregnant with her fiance Eric Johnson child.  The first rumor was almost exactly a month ago from In Touch, so they get a belated Scoop of the Week.

Breaking news:
Kim Kardashian files for divorce.

Date: 31 Oct. 2011
To the surprise of almost no one, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kris Humphries, the guy she married 72 days ago,  citing irreconcilable differences.
As I have said before, these Orc-Hobbit mixed marriages almost never work out.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?:
Family fight over Liz' $900 M fortune

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner rehashes a story the Globe published in April, that Elizabeth Taylor left behind a whole lot of money and her family is fighting over it.  The only difference is the Globe said it was a billion in April and the low rent Examiner says it's $900 million now.

That's either rounding error or a very expensive half a year.

This week's stories about The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Publications: National Enquirer, In Touch
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Here are the headlines about The Real Housewives of New Jersey this week.

  • National Enquirer: Teresa & Joe will lose their kids - expert warns
    Joe putting daughters' lives in danger
  • In Touch: The secrets that could ruin them
    All hell breaks loose after the re-union
    Teresa catches Joe in a hotel with blonde
    Jacqueline's desperate to hide her life as exotic dancer
    Caroline's plot to bury horrific assault

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?:
Dan Wheldon's tragic secret.

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Last week it was the Enquirer's turn and this week, the Globe has a cover story about Dan Wheldon, the Indy 500 champ who died in a horrific multiple car pile-up.  Here are the headlines.
  • Indy race champ autopsy shocker!
  • Dan Wheldon's tragic secret
  • Truth about his injuries
  • Revealed: his terrifying final seconds

Amanda Knox:
Her life now.

Publication: People
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

The magazines in the AMI kennel treat Amanda Knox like a stone cold killer.  The five nicer gossip rags acts like it was a miscarriage of justice and give her the benefit of the doubt.  People, of course, is one of the five nicer gossip rags.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Failed prophecy:
Betty White does NOT buy World Series winning baseball team.

Publication: Sun
Date: 20 June 2011

Back in June, the Sun had a cover with four prophecies for this year, none of them about the end of the world.  One was that Miss Betty White would buy a baseball team and that team would win the World Series.

She is not part of the St. Louis Cardinal ownership.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:
A girl for Beyonce!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 Nov. 2011
In Touch tells use that Beyoncé, who is definitely pregnant, has determined the baby is a girl.
Everybody in the world hopes the baby favors her mama.
Just sayin'.

Brave Last Days alert:
Larry Hagman's last wish.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us Larry Hagman is cancer stricken and that his last wish is to outlive his dying wife.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?
Grave of Elizabeth Edwards' still unmarked.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

The Enquirer tells us that the grave of Elizabeth Edwards is still unmarked and they have exclusive photos.  Though he is not mentioned, this is obviously a continuation of their theme "John Edwards is a scumbag".

You'll get no argument from me, and I voted for the guy.

Bells Done Rung™:
Elizabeth Edwards' daughter Cate weds.

(photo courtesy flynet)
Publication: People
Date: 7 Nov. 2011
People wants us to know that Cate Edwards, the daughter of the late Elizabeth Edwards, recently got married.

Technically, she also has to be the daughter of the under indictment scumbag John Edwards, but his name isn't mentioned.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Damn You Fat Alert™:
Kirstie Alley packs the pounds back on.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Longtime readers will know that there is no class of people the Enquirer hates more than fat Scientologists.  After her stint on Dancing With The Stars made her thinner, the Enquirer tells us she's porking out again, gaining 25 pounds in nine weeks, eating 4,500 calories a day.

As a fat person, those are disheartening numbers.  I've never gained weight that fast and 4,500 calories is a crazy number.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Ricki Lake loses 20 lbs.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Ricki Lake!  The actress and talk show hostess has recently lost weight while working out on Dancing With the Stars and this is being reported in a good way, one of the few weight stories this week with a positive slant.  Good for her.

We gotta collapser!
Garth Brooks breaks down.

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 Nov. 2011
Two separate stories about Garth Brooks in two of the Wicked Step Sister tabloids.  The low rent Examiner says there's a baby on the way, while the Globe says he has broken down in grief with all the bad news about the health of loved ones over the past few months.
Best wishes to Garth, his family and friends.

Bun in the Oven Alert™:
A baby for Garth and Trisha.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 Nov. 2011
The low rent Examiner says there is a baby in the future for Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood.  It was not explicitly on the cover stated if she was pregnant or they planned to adopt.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Love Bird Alert™:
When J. Lo & Bradley's affair really started.

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 Nov. 2011
As the story stands right now, Jennifer Lopez is the jilted party, what with her poodle of a husband Marc Anthony sniffing around Jada Pinkett Smith and messing the whole thing up.  But this week, OK! says they know when J. Lo and her new beau Bradley Cooper really started seeing each other, which could completely change the whole "who jilted whom?" balance.

As usual, I didn't open the magazine to read it, so it could still be Marc got tired of Jennifer's well-formed-but-not-worth-the-grief hinder.

Hairdresser alert™: Rob Kardashian gay shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 Nov. 2011
Welcome to gossip hell, Rob Kardashian!  No one really cares about Kardashians with penises, but now that he's on Dancing With The Stars, the Enquirer decided to say he's involved in some "gay shocker!"

Doesn't being famous look like just the funnest thing ever?

Nostradamus predicts the 2012 election

Publication: Sun
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Are you among the people who accept any prophecy that has the name Nostradamus linked to it?

It's time you changed your mind.  The Sun puts a bunch of stuff on the front page predicting the 2012 election and one of them I am certain is complete bunk.

Welcome to gossip hell, Mitt Romney! Nostradamus says he will run afoul of the IRS.

Not impossible.

Barack Obama will have a health scare.

He's young, but all of us are mortal.  This is possible.

Sarah Palin will run as a Democrat.

Ah, hellz no, as we say in Oakland.  She's not running for office, she's too busy running after cash. People do switch parties, but the party has a say about it, too, and she's obviously a loser now.  She wouldn't switch and the Dems wouldn't take her.
I am so certain of this, I'm going to put the "Nostradamus fail" label on this one right now.  I will come back in November 2012 to check the others.

Not Long 4 This World and Meanest Story nominee:
Barbra Streisand battles deadly disease!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 Nov. 2011
There are two new additions to the Tabloid Vulture list this week and they battle it out for Meanest Story of the Week with Steve Jobs, who allegedly died because he was a Buddhist.  The Enquirer, which has previously published that Barbra Striesand is a hoarder whose marriage is on the rocks, now says she has a deadly cancer.  Here are the headlines.
  • Breaking news! Streisand cancer bombshell!
  • Barbra's battle with deadly disease
  • Husband James by her side
  • Her new nightmare after colon surgery
This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World and Meanest Story nominee:
Demi Moore's weight plunges to a life threatening level.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Most weeks, it's the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Enquirer, Globe and low rent Examiner fighting it out for Meanest Story of the Week, but this week three of the allegedly more reputable gossip rags put Demi Moore on the tabloid vulture list, saying her life style could kill her.  These are the headlines.
  • Weekly Life & Style: Starving to keep her man
    Demi's daughters fear for her life
    95 lbs. and dropping
    500 calories a day
    Taking dangerous diet hormones
    What is she thinking?
  • OK!: Starving for attention
    What's behind (Demi's) dangerous weight loss
  • In Touch: Demi's deadly diet
These are co-nominees for Meanest Story of the Week.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha and Meanest Story nominee:
Buddhism killed Steve Jobs!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 Nov. 2011
The low rent Examiner tells us there is a "Harvard report" that claims Buddhist beliefs killed Steve Jobs.  It's a sign of how well known Jobs was that the low rent Examiner thinks their demographic, which skews older, more Southern and more dense, will know who he is and judge him on his scary non-Christian beliefs.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Bun in the oven alert™:
The OFFICIAL story about Wills'N'Kate's first kid.

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The screaming headline on the cover of the Globe states IT'S OFFICIAL when obviously it's not, but their story is that Kate Middleton is definitely pregnant and it's definitely a girl. Here are the rest of the headlines.
  • Kate's having baby girl!
  • Palace uproar: Royals want male heir
  • William building $1m pink nursery here (Buckingham Palace)

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Starving for attention.

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! A lot of stories about celebrities who are too skinny on the covers this week. OK! has a cover story I'm putting in the running for Meanest Story of the Week tomorrow, but it also includes two women who are always being called too skinny.

The first is Leann Rimes.

The second is Kate Middleton.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
How dieting destroyed their looks

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Lots f stories about extreme dieting this week, including a pile-on attack on one celebrity that will be a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week tomorrow. Weekly Life & Style says that dieting has ruined the looks of Angelina Jolie, seen here when she was nice and fleshy.

The other actress in this story that has a picture making her look like a skeleton in a dress is Katie Holmes.

Bun in the oven alert™:
Jen's baby bump.

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags if not the most reliable, is trying to get America's Spinster Jennifer Aniston pregnant. This week's headline reads:

Jen: her baby bump gets bigger

The story has already been denied.

Bells Done Rung Alert™, albeit very quietly:
Jen and Justin elope.

(photo by Terry Richardson)

Publication: Star
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Star promises an "Exclusive breaking news!" story that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have eloped. Here are the headlines.
  • Jen & Justin married!
  • They elope! No friends or family
  • No prenup - she trusts him!
  • Plus: she reconciles with mom, thanks to Justin
  • All the details
The couple have denied this story already, but it's obvious they actually are seeing one another, so I nicked another picture of them, taken by a professional photographer where they actually look happy together.

All this week's news all three Kardashian sisters.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The troubled marriage of Kim Kardashian is sucking most of the oxygen out of the room in their tiny gossip world, but Weekly Life & Style decides to do a cover about all three sisters. Here are the headlines.
  • Three Kardashian exclusives
  • Khloe's new nose
  • Tears on Kim's b-day
  • A ring for Kourtney

On the rocks alert:
This week's Kim'N'Kris news, all bad.

Publications: People, In Touch, OK!, Star, Us Weekly
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The lyricist Fran Landesman died this year. One of her best known songs from the 1950s is The Ballad of the Sad Young Men, which has this opening verse.

Sing a song of sad young men,
Glasses full of rye.
All the news is bad again so
Kiss your dreams goodbye.

I don't know if it was really Kris Humphries' dream to marry a glamour girl, but if it was, I feel a little sorry for him. Here are the headlines about their marriage, barely two months old and already circling the drain, if we accept the stories on five gossip rag covers this week.
  • People: Kim on married life: "It's not been ideal."
  • OK!: Kris begs Kim: "Don't leave me!"
    His humiliating apology to Kim
    He comes clean about the other women
    Kim speaks candidly to OK! on what she hates about Kris
  • In Touch: Inside Kim's fake marriage
  • Star: Kim moves out!
    She's sick of Kris spending all her money
  • Us Weekly: Enough!
    After a vicious fight Kim tells Kris: Stop mooching and get to work!
    As Kim worries she made the mistake of her life, can she save her marriage?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

All the latest mess from Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

In Touch has a whole bunch of stories about the cast from Real Housewives of New Jersey. Since the headlines refer to the reunion show, I assume the show is currently between seasons, so this may be part of the last flurry of stories until next season. Here are the headlines.
  • The vicious fights you didn't see on TV!
  • Exclusive! Teresa tells all
  • It's worse than anyone knows
  • Jacqueline skips reunion after a "mental breakdown"
  • Melissa caught confessing she married for money
  • Caroline's shocking financial mess

Bells Done Rung Alert™:
Exclusive wedding albums

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip heck, Nikki Reed! The actress from the Twilight series got married and Us ran pictures from her wedding album.

Shannen Doherty also got married. Us tells its readers that she had three gowns. I'm no fashion expert, but I hope the other two looked better than this one.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Rosie's big fat lie!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Welcome back to gossip hell, Rosie O'Donnell! Now that Rosie is part of the Oprah Winfrey empire, she'll find that she has a built-in enemy, the AMI publishing empire, headed up by the Flagship, the National Enquirer. This week, they have an exclusive interview with the father of Rosie's girlfriend, and from what it looks like, he and Rosie don't get along.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha?
Dan Wheldon didn't have to die!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The Enquirer, classy as always, picks over the freshly buried bones of Indy 500 champ Dan Wheldon, who died this month in a horrific accident on a track in Las Vegas. Here are the headlines.
  • Tragic Indy ace didn't have to die!
  • Dan Wheldon's chilling warning
  • Dramatic photos inside
  • Terrified Danica quitting

Bundle of Joy Alert:
Mariska Hargitay adopts second child in six months.

Publication: People
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Mariska Hargitay, seen here with Amaya Josephine, the baby she adopted earlier this year, has adopted a baby boy she and her husband Peter Hermann have named Andrew Nicholas. There is no slew of bad publicity Ms. Hargitay is trying to get off the front page of the gossip rags, so this does not count as "pulling a Bullock".

Nice names and nice babies. Best wishes to all concerned.

Clint Eastwood under attack by FBI!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mister Clint Eastwood! The iconic actor is now on nearly everybody's list of the greatest American directors working today, and according to the Globe, his latest movie, a biopic of J. Edgar Hoover starring Leonardo DiCaprio, has him in hot water with the FBI.

I almost gave this a "planted crap" label, but there is no point in planting a story in the Globe and while Clint may be a Republican, I still think he is way too classy for a stunt like that. I am eagerly looking forward to this film and wish Mister Eastwood every success.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Kelly calls Christina fat!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

When we get a headline like "Kelly calls Christina fat!" it helps to have pictures. Too many Kellys and Christina's on the field, don'tcha know.

The Kelly is the rudest Kelly, Kelly Osbourne.

The Christina is Christina Aguilera, who doesn't currently look as good as this.

Who is pregnant and who is just fat!

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

OK! is one of the mags who is claiming Jessica Simpson is pregnant, and they had a sub-headline this week stating "Who is pregnant and who is just fat!" The three women on the cover were Christina Aguilera, Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas and Holly Madison, pictured above.

Demon Drugs Alert™:
Whitney Houston goes berserk!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Last year and early this year, if there was a story about Whitney Houston in the tabs, it was in the Enquirer. Ever since she lived through her expiration date, stories about her have been fobbed off onto the low rent Examiner and now to the Globe. Here are the headlines.
  • Whitney Houston goes berserk!
  • Is she back on drugs?

Sunday, October 23, 2011

No Bun in the oven alert™:
Beyonce's pregnancy a hoax?

Publication: Star
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

There is no nicer story in the gossip rags than a happily married celebrity having a child, but Star is doing everything they can to piss in Beyoncé's punch bowl, so to speak. Last month, they wrote Jay-Z had a secret love child. In this month's "exclusive", some family member says Beyoncé is not actually pregnant.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™ and On the Rocks Alert:
Oprah incensed as Gayle steals Stedman!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The Oprah/Gayle/Stedman triangle has been an unstable situation for some time now according to the gossip rags, but how about a curveball to throw it completely out of whack? Yes, Stedman is seeing Gayle according to the low rent Examiner. They call this "breaking news", the latest fad in these slow moving publishing dinosaurs, and of course, Oprah is furious.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week:
Fans love Doris Day's new album.

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The dogs in the AMI kennel have been trying to kill off Doris Day for a couple years now, and when she decided to record a new album at 87 years old, they published a story that she was desperate for money.

Well, guess what? Doris still has fans and the fans are very happy with her new work.

Good for you, Miss Day.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Prince Harry's wild American nights!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

This Saturday it's all about the royals on the blog. Everybody's favorite ginger playboy Prince Harry is in the United States getting valuable military training, but he's also out having fun and causing a ruckus, a skill set he has trained for all his young life.

Hey, it's not like his sperm decides the fate of the monarchy, right? Let the young guy have some fun, I say.

On the rocks alert:
Prince Albert's secret $1 billion divorce deal

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The deal that Monaco has with France is all about the royal line. If there's somebody in the Grimaldi clan ready to be the next prince, they get to go on being their own little and ridiculously rich country. If not, it gets swallowed up by France. (This rule was strictly enforced back in Grace Kelly's day. It's a little more lax now.)

In any case, the Globe says Prince Albert and his bride, a South African swimmer named Charlene Wittstock, are already on the outs and there will be a secret divorce costing one billion dollars.

For those of you keeping score at home, the wedding was this July. If this story is to be believed, their fairy tale wedding blew up in their faces faster even that Kim'n'Kris. No matter how you slice it, that's some really expensive sex.

Or if you believe the nearly constant rumors, lack of same.

Demon Rum Alert™:
Camilla's drunken tirade stuns queen

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

It's too bad that the popular Camilla in the tabloids is Camilla Parker-Bowles and not Camilla Belle. She really is cute as a bug's ear.

But since the publication date of this week's tabloids is Halloween, it's only fair we get a story about this old bat. Camilla once again got drunk, once again said nasty things about Kate and this time she stunned the queen, who should kinda sorta be used to drunks saying stupid things by now, given her family history.