Thursday, March 31, 2011

People puts a single picture on their cover this week.
Miss Elizabeth Taylor, 1932-2011

Publication: People
Date: 4 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Today's stories are all about Miss Elizabeth Taylor, and this one at least actually does not deserve to be called trash. People, as can be expected, put only one photo on the cover, a color corrected version of the picture seen here. Here are their headlines.
  • Farewell to a Legend
  • Her life
  • Her Loves
  • Her legacy in pictures

Besides People, only the Wicked Step Sisters thought it was worth giving the great star a send-off, which just proves that besides being the classiest of the gossip rags, People is the only one with an institutional memory of how important Miss Taylor was in American culture.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Miss Elizabeth Taylor, from a fan.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha?:
Elizabeth Taylor didn't have to die!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 11 April 2011

You can't really expect the truth from the supermarket rags. You can't even expect internal consistency.

Case in point: Last month, it was the Enquirer who had Elizabeth Taylor THE END on the cover of their magazine when the great movie star entered the hospital. It looked like they expected her to be dead before the magazine hit the stands. Now, they say she could have been saved except for a medical mistake, and they promise to tell who is to blame.

They also say they have the deathbed love letter of Miss Taylor to her former husband Larry Fortensky. Their source for this story is Fortensky's sister.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Miss Elizabeth Taylor, America's last true movie star, from a fan.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha?
Miss Elizabeth Taylor's secret diaries.

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Today is reserved for the cover stories in the supermarket rags about Miss Elizabeth Taylor, who died a week ago Wednesday. The Globe says they have their hands on Miss Taylor's secret diaries. They promise 20 pages of coverage inside, and put these teaser headlines on the cover.
  • Marilyn Monroe seduced her
  • two husbands beat her
  • her steamy tryst with JFK
  • Deathbed scene, last photo, final words
Best wishes to the family and friends of Miss Elizabeth Taylor, from a fan.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hey Old Timer Gossip:
The Globe has a "Where are they now?" fit.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 April 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Globe mentions a whole lotta people, most of them who were famous before I graduated high school, and does not directly predict that any of them is one step away from the grave, so this is about as positive as they get. Almost all of them are best known from work on old TV shows, with the exception of Margaret O'Brien and Esther Williams. Here is the full list of people on the cover.

June Lockhart, Esther Williams, Adam West, Burt Ward, Loni Anderson, Rose Marie, Gavin MacLeod, Jaleel White, Margaret O'Brien, Johnny Whitaker

Of this list, only Loni Anderson and Jaleel White (Urkel) had their major claim to fame after I left Alameda High School back in the early 1970's.

Annoying label bookkeeping #6

This is a link to the post above made necessary by Blogger's limits on labels.

Weekly World News alert:
Is that an alien with Michelle Obama?

Publication: Weekly World News
Date: 4 April 2011

The Weekly World News alien has been around for a long time, meeting with various political leaders in Washington for at least two decades. This cover from the mid 1990's had him meeting with Newt Gingrich, but being an up to date alien, this week he meets with the First Lady.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Damn You Fat Alert™:
O.J. Simpson heart attack shocker

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 April 2011

According to The Flagship, O.J. Simpson is depressed in prison and packing on the pounds, up from 225 pounds when he went in to 275 pounds now. As often happens, the Enquirer will embellish a story like this with a phrase like "heart attack" or "dying". There is no evidence that the assumed double murderer and convicted thief has suffered a heart attack as of this writing.

Nostradamus and the new 9/11 in 2011.

Publication: Sun
Date: 4 April 2011

The Sun is back to being useful as far as this blog is concerned, which means they are giving predictions with dates on the cover. It's not the End of the World this time, so no Skeeter Davis Alert™, just the next massive terror attack, but it does come from everyone's favorite vague French 16th Century poet and prophet, Michel de Nostradamus. Among the visuals are a crashing plane, a mushroom cloud and pictures of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Of course, as bad as a nuclear terror attack would be, let's recall we are less than two months away from The End of the World according to Dr. Harold Camping, so it might be a good idea not to sweat the small stuff.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?:
Sirhan Sirhan claims CIA brainwashed him into killing RFK.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 April 2011

I have recently commended the low rent Examiner on a new kinder and gentler editorial policy. To be clear, they haven't gone all sweetness and light, but they are not going to finish this review period in a virtual tie for meanest tabloid, as they are falling behind their richer Wicked Step Sisters, the Globe and the Enquirer.

For example, there is nothing nice about this story that Sirhan Sirhan is now claiming it was the CIA that brainwashed him into killing Robert F. Kennedy back in 1968.

And more than that, there's probably nothing true about it either, other than being Sirhan's current claim communicated through his lawyer earlier this month.

Annoying label bookkeeping #5

This post is a link to the post below, made necessary by too many labels.

Bad Help Alert:
Hollywood stylists get serious about the dish!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 4 April 2011

I am ambivalent about bad help alerts.

Nannies blabbing to the gossip rags about kids? I disapprove.

Stylists blabbing about hair, make-up and wardrobe? Oh, somebody make some popcorn, this is going to be fun!

Star devotes a huge amount of their cover to dirt about celebrity beauty secrets, some questions given as "Guess who?", which means you will have to buy the magazine yourself to find out because I refuse to open these things unless under serious duress, and several stories where they name names. Here are all the headlines.
  • Hollywood stylists tell all the flaws, the fakes, the fights
  • Who has a closet just for Spanx?
  • Who duct tapes her boobs?
  • Who waxes her freaky toes?
  • Who has to be sewn into her dresses?
  • Who steals from her stylist?
  • LeeAnn (Rimes): Starving for attention
  • Rihanna: Seeing red
  • Jen (Aniston): Finger fungus
  • J. LO: Squeeze play (She is the boob duct taper.)
  • Camille (Grammer): Closet confidential
  • Bethenny (Frankel): Zit fit
I only know the boob duct tape story because Star put it on the front page of their website. As much as I might want to know who waxes her freaky toes and who steals from her stylist, I do have rules, and I obey them slavishly except under the most extreme situations.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week:
Pray for Annette Funicello!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 April 2011

The low rent Examiner is experimenting with a new concept, the idea of being sympathetic to the people it plasters all over its cover stories. The Globe had her on the cover last week saying she narrowly escaped death in a fire. This week, the low rent Examiner covers the same story, but instead goes for a more believable pathos, saying the fire was a terrible financial hardship.

Both stories may be a little overblown. Getting rescued from a fire is not always a dramatic movie scene, and there is such a thing as homeowner's insurance. Still, when I count the positive and negative headlines in the quarterly review, I'd put the Globe story on the negative side and the low rent Examiner story on the positive side.

Nice work guys! Baby steps.

Love Bird Alert:
Jessica's revenge romance

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 April 2011

Last week, the supermarket rags were all over Justin Timberlake-Jessica Biel split, mainly focusing on man slut Justin. This week, only one story and it concerns Ms. Biel's romantic future. (I will call her Ms. Biel because there are way too many Jessicas in the gossip universe. It's like the distaff version of Ryan.)

Welcome back to gossip hell, Gerard Butler! He was one of 2010's most popular man sluts early in the year, romantically linked to both Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon, but it's been nearly a year since he has been mentioned.

There are two major categories of man sluts in the supermarket rags, though they do not mention it directly. There are the honest to God male breeders who can't keep it in their pants, like Justin Timberlake and John Mayer. Then there are the guys who I'm not so sure about, who might be getting these "links" to some serious honeyage to disguise the fact that they play for the other team. Until I see strong evidence to the contrary, Gerard Butler is in Category II.

I mean, really. 300 and Phantom of the Opera? That's a whole lotta gay for a straight guy to be in. The question cannot be ignored.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Mariah and Kate baby panic!

Publication: OK!
Date: 4 April 2011

OK! likes to go with short and vague headlines, and this one certainly qualifies. "Mariah and Kate baby panic!" is accompanied by pictures of the two women, both of whom are confirmed pregnant. If you want to know what the panic is, you'll just have to read it yourself while standing in the supermarket line.

If I were a suspicious person, I might think the mini-flurry of interest in Kate Hudson is hoping to get people who aren't paying close attention to buy the magazine hoping to get a story about Kate Middleton or maybe even Kate Gosselin. Both stories this week just use the first name "Kate", but they do include an identifying picture.

As I said, this might fool people who aren't paying close attention. As a math teacher, I know these people exist.

In numbers too big to ignore.

Bun In The Oven Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert:
Kate Hudson's man is cheating on her.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 April 2011

Kate Hudson's pregnancy garnered a few cover stories in the supermarket rags back in late January and early February, but since then nothing. Now, In Touch says the unnamed baby daddy, rocker Matt Bellamy, is cheating on her.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Kelly Preston is pregnant again.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 April 2011

If we are to believe the Flagship, and this is always a questionable decision, John Travolta's wife Kelly Preston is pregnant once again at age 49. This story is such a scoop, there is neither confirmation or denial online.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Obligatory Bachelor post.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 April 2011

This season of The Bachelor was over a few weeks back, but the stories go on and on. The supermarket rags had a rash of stories at season's end about how wonderful everything was for Bachelor Brad and Bachelorette Emily, and the week after that a new rash of stories broke out that all said it was in the dumpster where it belongs. The story is losing steam, since five magazines had the bad news for the couple on the covers last week, while only two are telling us about it this week. Here are the headlines.
  • OK!: It's over
    They're still smiling for the cameras, but Emily has now dumped Brad for good
    Plus: Chantal's better off without Brad, too
    'I have a new sexier man'
  • Weekly Life & Style: Bachelor Brad confirms it's over
I will be so happy when the day finally comes and any mention of "Brad" is the supermarket rags will only mean what it should mean, Brad Pitt.

Obligatory Teen Mom post for 4 April 2011.

Publications: OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 4 April 2011

Two different stories on two covers about two Teen Moms this week, but I'm only going to give one post about it.
  • OK!: Teen Mom Maci and Gary hook up
  • Us Weekly: Leah and Corey's wedding
    The couple opens up about their fear of marrying too young and how they know they will make it.
This blog has a pro-love policy, but for this show, I'm willing to make an exception. I have no stake or interest in the happiness of these people at all.

Dancing With the Stars is rigged this season.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 April 2011

Last season, the low rent Examiner printed a story about everyone's favorite open secret. They said Dancing With The Stars was fixed just because some fat 20 year old girl kept coming back every week when better dancers were sent home.

This season, it's The Flagship that's starting with the rumors early, saying that the winner will either be Kirstie Alley or Kendra Wilkinson.

I don't have a TV and have no intention of watching online, but I will point out that Kirstie and Kendra are the only stars on the show this season who have been mentioned in the tabloids at all in the past year.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™:
Scott calls off the wedding.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 April 2011

There was talk in the tabloids about a wedding for Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick earlier this year, but people in the know denied it was true. Now we have Scott calling off the wedding that was never going to happen in the first place. Here are the lying details.
  • Kourtney explodes after shameless Scott demands custody of Mason. How greed and jealousy tore them apart.

Least interesting cover story of the week:
Donald Trump doubts Obama was born in the U.S.A.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 April 2011

Thick fingered vulgarian Donald Trump shows that he's serious about the Republican nomination for the presidency by hopping aboard the high speed rail to Crazy Town and showing himself to be a birther. This is yet another Globe headline without any picture and so it gets no picture from me and the label Least Interesting Story of the Week.

Actually, any story about Donald Trump that doesn't include a picture is a blessing, isn't it?

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Kourtney's flat abs secret.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 April 2011

It's been nearly a month since Kourtney Kardashian got a mention on the cover of a supermarket rag, but she gets two different ones this week for her two main points of interest, her hotness and her messed up love life. Us Weekly wants you to know her flat ab secret, but when you don't really have a job and have plenty of time to exercise and excellent incentive - like, if you're fat you'll lose your reality show - it's hard to call her success a secret.

Meanest Story nominee:
Oprah's mom tells all!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 April 2011

Do you want to know bad things about Oprah Winfrey? The editors of the magazines owned by AMI think you do. If there is trash about Oprah in the tabloids, it will be in the Star or the Globe or the low rent Examiner or even more likely, in the Flagship publication of AMI, the National Enquirer.

This week, it's the Flagship telling us that Oprah's mom is in the mood to spill the beans, and we mean a WHOLE LOTTA BEANS. Here are the sub-headlines.
  • Hush money fails
  • Confession of love affair with Gayle
  • Bald Oprah lost all her hair
  • Her deadly drugs to lose weight
  • What really happened to Oprah's son and where he is today
This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee:
Celebrity B.O.!

Publication: Star
Date: 4 April 2011

Star has one of those scattershot stories that hits about a jillion celebrities with gossip from their stylists. I've split out one set of three pictures as a separate post with news you can use.

What celebrities stink?

I mean literally.

Kendra Wilkinson is stinky.

Uma Thurman is stinkier.

And Mel Gibson is stinkiest.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee:
Suri's twisted world.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 April 2011

The typical Suri Cruise story in the supermarket rags tells us she is a handful, but this one lays some of the blame on the adults in her life. Here are the sub-headlines.
  • plays with x-rated candy
  • dragged out of bed by Katie for 1 a.m. dinner
  • still using a pacifier at age 4
  • What Katie's parents are doing to save Suri
You will note that the sperm donor is left completely out of the equation.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee:
Dick Van Dyke's Sad Last Days

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 April 2011

Here's a quick checklist.

  1. Did you star on an American TV show during the 1960s?
  2. Were you an adult at the time?
  3. Are you still alive?
If you answered "yes" to all three questions, then the low rent Examiner (or possibly the Globe) would like you to know you will not be answering yes to question #3 for very much longer.

Dick Van Dyke gets introduced to the Brave Last Days list, a list that currently has the names of sixty three people who are still alive while the correct predictions since the beginning of 2010 now stand at eight since the passing of Miss Elizabeth Taylor.

Best wishes to Mr. Van Dyke, his family and friends, from a fan.

This is a Meanest Story nominee.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Pictures of the whole Jolie-Pitt clan.

Publications: People, Star, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 4 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

Here's the difference between BrAngelina and other celebrities. Other celebrities have to do something to make multiple covers of supermarket rags in a single week.

BrAngelina merely have to exist.

Brad's shooting a movie in New Orleans and the entire brood was out to do a little shopping. Four different magazines thought you absolutely had to know about this as soon as possible.
  • People: Big happy family!
    new photos
    the latest of the kids
  • OK!: Brangelina twins adorable new family album
  • Weekly Life & Style: Brad & Angie first family photo ever
  • Star: All new family photos
    Baby #7 for Angie and Brad?

On the rocks alert:
Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper officially split.

Publications: People, Star, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 4 April 2011

Last week, Star scooped the rest of the supermarket rags by telling us Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger were through. This week, it's on four covers, including the usually reliable People. Here are the different headlines.
  • People: Renee and Bradley: Inside their split
  • In Touch: Bradley and Renee: why he dumped her
  • Us Weekly: What drove Renee and Bradley Apart
  • Star: Renee & Bradley behind the break-up
    Why Renee ran to Sandra (Bullock)
Star gives more cover details than the others, but one of their details contradicts a plot line from last week. Allegedly, Bradley was tomcatting around according to Star, and one of his alleged trysts was Sandra Bullock. Now, it sounds like she was being a friend and go-between instead of a homewrecker.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week:
All about the girl who would be queen

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! There's been an editorial shift over at the low rent Examiner. While the Globe is convinced people standing in American supermarket checkout lines want to hear everything they can that's bad about the marriage of Wills'N'Kate, the low rent Examiner has decided to go with generally nice stories about the young royals. Here are the sub-headlines that would not look out of place on the cover of OK!, the nicest of the rags.
  • Mom played matchmaker
  • What you don't know about Kate
  • secret "princess classes"
We are still about a week away from the next three month review, but when it comes to the horse race for what gossip rag is the meanest, the low rent Examiner is falling way behind the other Wicked Step Sisters, the Globe and Enquirer.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:
Wills'N'Kate wedding disaster!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Way back in late November, OK! printed a story about the upcoming royal wedding and blared on the cover that they were "The Official Magazine of the Royal Wedding". I write this now because I doubted that title from the very beginning and would like to point out that OK! had one speculative story about Kate's wedding dress in December and no other mentions of the couple in four months since.

The real reason that Wills'N'Kate are one of the biggest gossip stories of early 2011 is the Globe, nearly the exact opposite of OK!. OK! is the most friendly American gossip rag, while the Globe runs neck and neck with her sister publication the Enquirer as the nastiest. True to form, the Globe prints yet another story about what a nightmare the upcoming royal wedding will be. Here are this week's details.
  • sex scandal explodes
  • shocking rehab drama
  • Camilla's ugly fight with bride
Stay classy, Globe!

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Reese's wedding joy.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Unlike Natalie Portman, who is ruining the fun for the gossip world by having a quickie wedding, Reese Witherspoon's upcoming ceremony has been planned for months, which gives all the interested supermarket rags plenty of time to put together stories they can talk about on their cover. Weekly Life & Style had the exact same news on the cover five weeks ago, also with no details.

Best wishes to the happy couple, which includes the never photographed groom to be Jim Toth.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Natalie's quickie wedding.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! There have been no mentions of Natalie Portman in the supermarket rags since the Oscars, so In Touch decides to remind us she is still planning to get married to baby daddy Benjamin Millepied, who is not actually mentioned or pictured on the cover, but she is going to have a (gasp!) quickie wedding!

As you can imagine, quickie weddings of celebrities are the worst possible news to the gossip mags, since they are denied chances to tell about the details of a lavish affair for weeks or even months.

This blog stays with our pro-love policy and wishes the happy couple and their coming bundle of joy every happiness, regardless of the size of their wedding party.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Breaking news:
Elizabeth Taylor is dead at age 79.

It is being reported in all major news outlets that the legendary actress Elizabeth Taylor has died at the age of 79. As a child star, it was obvious she had a lovely face. When puberty hit, she had an astonishing figure. As for her acting ability, her husband Richard Burton once said "I'd be on the set and I'd think 'She isn't doing anything.' Then I'd see the rushes and I'd know. She's doing everything and she's doing it perfectly."

By all accounts, she was a loyal friend to many a troubled soul, including Montgomery Clift and Michael Jackson just to name two. My mom was eight days older than Liz, which might explain why I always had a soft spot for the star, though I never so much as shook her hand.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Miss Elizabeth Taylor, from a devoted fan.

Hey Old Timer Gossip:
Annette Funicello cheats death in tragic fire!

Publication: Globe
Date: 28 March 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... Right now!

According to the Globe, there was a fire at Annette Funicello's house and the former Mouseketeer had to be saved in a dramatic rescue. She has suffered from multiple sclerosis for many years now and is wheelchair bound. Last year, the Globe put her on the tabloid death watch.

Best wishes to Annette, her family and friends, from a fan.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?
Johnny Cash grave shocker!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 March 2011

It's been nearly a year since the last time the low rent Examiner wrote an unflattering story about Johnny Cash. Since The Man In Black has been dead for seven and a half years, it's understandable that he might not be the hot gossip topic he once was.

I used the same picture last year when the low rent Examiner wrote trash about the country legend, and I see no reason not to use the same picture now.

Here's a simple rule written in rhyme.

Don't talk trash about Johnny Cash.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Damn You Fat Alert™:
200 lb. Kirstie Alley collapses backstage at Dancing With The Stars.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 28 March 2011

Get ready for a new spate of Dancing With The Stars stories as the contest begins. This week, the Star tells us that everyone's least favorite fat Scientologist Kirstie Alley collapsed backstage during rehearsals.

I don't watch the show, but I see online that the first episode was last night. The only "stars" in the cast that have previous tabloid appearances are Ms. Alley and Kendra Wilkinson.

Least interesting cover story of the week:
Larry King insults Anderson Cooper

Publication: Globe
Date: 28 March 2011

Yet another cover story in the Globe with no artwork. Larry King, man no longer on TV, insults Anderson Cooper, man still on TV. It's the first day of Spring and it's the first mention of either of these people on any supermarket rag in 2011.

Seriously, who cares?

Annoying label bookkeeping #4

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:
Best and worst celebrity diets, March 2011

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 March 2011

I'm being a little dishonest using this picture to illustrate the Flagship's most recent foray into good and bad celebrity bodies. This picture is supposed to represent an attractive young woman on a diet that works. The Enquirer is also dishonest in their headline, because there is no "best" on the list this week. Everyone is either too fat, scary skinny of over-exercises.

Too fat: Gabourney Sibide (350 lbs.), Jessica Simpson (packs on 25 pounds)
Too skinny: Tara Reid (bag of bones), Gwyneth Paltrow (about 100 lbs.)
Arms too well defined: Cameron Diaz, Sarah Jessica Parker

This is in keeping with the general concept that the National Enquirer doesn't like anybody.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Hey Old Timer Gossip:
Meredith Baxter Birney claims her husband beat her.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 March 2011

In the Hey Old Timer Gossip sweepstakes this week, the low rent Examiner beats the Globe hands down, with every story having at least some link to people who were famous forty years ago or more. Meredith Baxter Birney has a modicum of fame now as one of several openly lesbian actresses, but she is also now telling the story that her ex-husband and co-star on Bridget Loves Bernie David Birney beat her. He has denied it.

Just sayin', but this kind of picture composition where the man looms over the woman, especially when they are actually about the same height, sets off some alarm bells for me. It's very Sonny and Cher meets Ike and Tina, and not in a good way.

Bundle of Joy Alert:
Ryan's love child drama!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 28 March 2011

The Plague of Ryans continues in the supermarket gossip rags. So far in 2011, there are three actors named Ryans worth gossiping about - Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling and Ryan Phillippe (pictured above) - and the magazines will run a picture with just a first name. This week, the story in In Touch is about a woman Phillipe got pregnant but did not marry. She is not named on the cover, but the New York Daily News says she's actress Alexis Knapp.

Phillippe got no mentions in the tabs in 2010.

On the rocks alert:
Chilling warning to Kate: Don't marry William.

Publication: Globe
Date: 28 March 2011

The royal wedding is still five weeks away, and Wills'N'Kate are among the most popular topics in the supermarket rags so far this year, right up there with Brangelina, Jennifer Aniston and Kim Kardashian. Nearly half the stories so far this year - 6 of 14 - have been in the Globe, and though the stories have different details, the general intent behind the Globe headlines is that the wedding and/or marriage is going to be a disaster.

This week, the Globe got some so-called expert to warn Kate against marrying William. "Evil royals will destroy you like Diana!" is the sub-headline.

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, I wish all the best to the young couple.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Japan's Tsunami:
Heartbreak, heroes and hope.

Publication: People
Date: 28 March 2011

There's only one gossip mag that goes for stories about the biggest news items, and that's People. This week, they have a report on the quake and tsunami in Japan.

Best wishes to all concerned and a request to my readers. If you can afford to give some money to Doctors Without Borders or the International Red Cross, please do so. These are charities on the up and up and they can do some good.

Weekly World News alert:
Real life island of Dr. Moreau has the freakiest animals on earth.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 28 March 2011

The Weekly World News tells us about the freakiest animals on earth on a real life island of Dr. Moreau, and use a black and white version of this bad photoshop I found on the web to prove it.

This is a weak effort from the Weekly World News, and I think the Sayer of the Law would agree with me.

If you want to find the freakiest animals on earth, you must contact the spirit of Rick James.


Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Kennedys beg Hillary to run against Obama.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 March 2011

Welcome back to gossip hell, Hillary Clinton! For the gossip rags over the past 15 months, Hillary has been the least interesting Clinton, and she's like, you know, the one who actually has an important job in government, but the AMI rags would rather tell you her husband is dying or her daughter is married to a guy going through a breakdown.

In any case, this week the low rent Examiner says that some unnamed cabal of Kennedys are begging her to run against Obama in 2012.

Fun fact: Did you know the 2010 elections marked the first time there were no Kennedys in office since I was a kid?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

On the rocks alert:
All bad news for Bachelor Brad and Emily this week.

Publications: Star, People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 March 2011

What a difference a week makes! There were three stories about The Bachelor last week, and it was all about the magic and having babies. This week, there are FIVE cover stories and they all say it's gone completely to crap.

Only the breakup of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got more coverage, and they are honest to God movie stars.

Here are the headlines.
  • People: Brad & Emily's drama (only in People)
    The Bachelor blowup!
    Brad: "This is no fairy tale"
    She got cold feet. He's fighting to keep her. And now they are thinking about a baby? The couple tell all.
  • OK!: Bachelor Brad has cold feet
  • Star: Bachelor Bombshell: Brad's big lie - why he'll never marry
  • Weekly Life & Style: Exclusive: Bachelor split
  • In Touch: Bachelor betrayed - The real story
    How the"good girl" duped Brad into staying with her while sneaking around behind his back!
    Emily's caught with another man
I love that there are five different accounts, two of them are "exclusives" and another is a bombshell.

This show always promises people will find true love. Recalling the immortal wisdom of Rocket J. Squirrel, "But that trick never works!"

This time for sure.

All the Teen Mom mess in one hard to swallow dose.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 March 2011

New rule. I will report on all Teen Mom stories that show up in the gossip rags, but I will no longer hunt for pictures of these young women or their unfortunate offspring. Also, no matter how many cover stories involve the "stars" of the show, there's only the one post a week.

Here are the headlines.
  • Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom exclusive: more babies on the way
    After twins, a baby boy for Leah
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I hope MTV puts out a big press release when this show is canceled, because when I find out, I'm going to throw a party.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Kim and Kris heading down the aisle.

Publication: OK!
Date: 28 March 2011

News is slow on the Kardashian front this week, but OK!, the most optimistic gossip rag if not the most honest, pulls out all the stops and says Kim and her new beau Kris Humphries are not only getting hitched, it's going to be the Wedding of the Century.

Where to begin?

If I could add another label, I'd like to say this is the Name Dropping-est Story Of The Week, but Blogger label software only allows for 200 characters. Vera Wang, Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Wills'N'Kate are all named, though only Vera Wang (or at least one of her designs) has any chance of being within 1,000 miles of this shindig, if it ever takes place at all.

If there was unlimited room for labels, I'd also give this cover the prize for Most Blatantly Bad Photoshop of the Week for making it look like the two of them are about the same height give or take three inches. If that picture reflected reality, either Kim would have to have grown to 6'6" or Kris has suddenly shrunk to 5'6".

In reality, he's 6'9" and she's 5'3", which means an 18 inch height difference. If they really remain a couple, she is going to have to be on the lookout for elbows for the rest of her natural born days.