Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Hussy alert:
Eva steals NBA star from his baby mama!

Publication: Star
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow!  Last trash of the week... right now!
Eva Longoria's story had all the makings of a gossip mag bonanza.  Attractive actress is betrayed by her celebrity husband, in her case NBA star Tony Parker.  But instead of getting sympathy, now the Star has a "world exclusive" that Eva has stole an NBA star from his baby mama.

Names are not named, but I'm assuming the star is someone other than Parker.

So instead of being a younger Sandra Bullock on TV instead of in the movies, Eva is being cast as the oldest Kardashian sister, albeit with actual talent.


Bells are Ringing (yet again) Alert™:
Kristin Cavallari engaged again.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 Dec. 2011
It is the rare reality TV star who can get good press in the supermarket rags a year and a half after her show is off the air, but Kristin Cavallari appears to be that rare individual.  Weekly Life & Style thinks their readers still want to know about her love life, but not enough to put a picture of her intended on the cover.  You'll have to open the magazine to find out to whom she is engaged, and that is something I don't do on general principles.

Kick a corpse why don'tcha?
Who really killed JFK!

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Nov. 2011
The headline in the Globe reads 
"Secret tapes reveal: Who really killed JFK!
- and it wasn't Oswald!

48 years after the fact and they can still sell magazines with conspiracy stories.  It says something about the deep trust Americans have in the institutions of authority.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Bun in the Oven alert™:
Ricki Lake pregnant at 42!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 Dec. 2011
If tabloid cover stories are any indication, American Idol is fading and Dancing With The Stars is the new top dog among reality TV shows now.  The Enquirer says Ricki Lake is pregnant and calls this a "DWTS secret".

Best wishes to all concerned, if this is true. We will see when this story is reviewed at the end of June next year.

Planted crap: Twilight's sexy secrets.

Publication: People
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

People has some planted crap about Twilight now that the movie is out. It includes a picture of Rob and Kristen on the cover.

Since it's People, it has to be special planted crap, so they say it's "exclusive".

Hey Old Timer Gossip:
A "Where Are They Now?" story about stars of cop and detective shows.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

This week's Meanest Story competition is not as mean as recent weeks when there have been several Brave Last Days Alerts.  Two reasons for this are that the low rent Examiner wasn't delivered to the usual places in Oakland and the Globe had a massive cover story that isn't mean. They have a list of old detective and cop shows with pictures of the stars. They may say some of them are going through hard times in the story inside, but on the cover it's just an invitation to nostalgia. Here are the stars and shows mentioned, each with a picture. There is a promise of an 11 page spread with even more photos.  Here is the list from the cover, both of stars and shows.
  • Don Johnson Miami Vice 
  • Angie Dickinson Police Woman 
  • Cybill Sheperd Moonlighting 
  • Edd Byrnes 77 Sunset Strip 
  • Tyne Daly and Sharon Gless Cagney and Lacey 
  • Dennis Franz NYPD Blue 
  • Martin Milner and Kent McCord Adam 12
There is also a picture of the case of The Mod Squad, but no names were included.  They are in a separate post.

Secrets of The Mod Squad.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The Globe has such a chock full of stars "Where Are They Now?" grab bag story on the cover that it has to be split into two posts AND an extra blank post for label overrun. After naming a whole lot of stars, there is an extra picture with the caption "Secrets of The Mod Squad!" with none of the actors named.

For the record, left to right are Michael Cole, Clarence Williams 3rd and Peggy Lipton.

Annoying extra labels for the "Where Are They Now?" story of 5 Dec 2011

Monday, November 28, 2011

Penn State scandal:
New victims come forward

Publication: OK!
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Last week, People and the National Enquirer had headlines about the sex scandal at Penn State.  This week, it's OK! A picture of Jerry Sandusky being put in the back seat of a squad car is included.


Least interesting story of the week:
Pam Anderson to play the Virgin Mary

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The Globe is OUTRAGED! Pam Anderson is slated to play the Virgin Mary on a Canadian TV comedy. The Globe also did not include a picture of Ms. Anderson to go along with their OUTRAGE, so no picture will be included here either.

This makes this true report the Least Interesting Story of the Week.

Bundle of Joy alert:
Meet Connie Britton's baby.

Publication: People
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Welcome to gossip heck, Connie Britton!  The actress best known for the TV series Friday Night Lights has adopted a baby boy from Ethiopia named Eyob and People puts mother and son on the front cover. This is the most positive type of story the gossip rags report on and does not count as "pulling a Bullock", since Ms. Britton is in no way trying to change the topic from bad publicity that has been dogging her.  She hasn't been a topic of gossip in the supermarket rags at all.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

On The Rocks Alert and Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Jessica's baby crisis!

Publication: OK!
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Jessica Simpson is getting a lot of coverage in the past few months about her long rumored and now confirmed pregnancy and possible trouble with upcoming wedding. She got the ring a year ago, so you can hardly say she's rushing things.  Here are the headlines.
  • Doctor's shocking warning
  • At war with her fiance
  • Jessica admits: "This is difficult"
  • How much more can she take?

Bells are ringing alert:
Prince Harry proposes to Kate's sister!

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The royal wedding this year turned Pippa Middleton into a gossip star on this side of the Atlantic.  On this week's cover, the Globe says Prince Harry has proposed to "Kate's sister", but on their website they make it clear it's Pippa.

I don't believe it for a second, but I publish this stuff regardless of believability.  That's kind of the point.

Hollywood stylists tell all!

Publication: Star 
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Star has one of those grab bag "bad help" stories dominating the front cover. This time it's Hollywood stylists dishing dirt.  First there's a list of "Guess who" gossip, followed by specific insults.  The part of the story that listed who smelled bad was published already as a Meanest Story of the Week nominee.

Here's the guess who part.
  • Who's a hoarder! 
  • Who duct tapes her boobs! 
  • Who goes commando!

J. Lo: Cellulite & Spanx

Angie: padded butt

Britney: Fast food stains on borrowed clothing!

Serena: bald spot

Kathie Lee: It's the pits!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Bun in the Oven Alert™:
Brad confirms baby # 7

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The headline only mentions Brad Pitt as a source for a rumor that the Jolie-Pitt clan will be adding another member, but the picture on the cover is of BrAngelina, so this story gets a label mentioning both of them.   With these two, it may not be a Bun In The Oven Alert™ per se, but that's the only label I have that fits.
It should also be noted that a new addition to the Jolie-Pitt clan is a rumor as popular as the Kardashian pregnancy stories, and we haven't had one of those in at least two years.

On the rocks alert:
Oprah begs Gayle.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The Enquirer continues their crusade to make Oprah Winfrey miserable by telling stories about her love life.  This week, Gayle is allegedly leaving and Oprah begs "Please don't leave me!"

Dig up a corpse, why don'tcha?
The re-opening of the Natalie Wood case makes the mainstream.

Publications: People, National Enquirer
Date: 5 Dec. 2011
I have little respect for the low rent Examiner, but they deserve credit as the only magazine that was calling for the re-opening of the Natalie Wood case over the past few years. Now the big guns get in on the act, People and the National Enquirer.  Here are the headlines.
  • People: Natalie Wood: How did she really die?
  • National Enquirer: Natalie Wood bombshell
    Robert Wagner's cover-up revealed! - boat captain


Friday, November 25, 2011

Meanest story nominee:
What happened to Kate Gosselin's face?

Publication: In Touch
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Kate Gosselin had 29 cover stories in 2010.  This is her fifth in 2011, a speculation about possible plastic surgery.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee:
Super stinky stars.

Publication: Star
Date: 5 Dec. 2011
Star has a huge grab bag story dominating the front cover of dish from stylists. While none of it is very flattering, they have a small section of pictures of celebrities who smell bad. They include:
  • Brad Pitt, who has B.O.
  • Robert Pattinson, afficted with foot fungus
  • rocker Lenny Kravitz,  also with bad body odor and
  • Daren Kagasoff, who has bad breath
This is the first mention in the tabloids for Kravitz and Kagasoff. Kagasoff is the star of the Disney TV show The Secret Life of an American Teenager, but he does not get the label DisneyTeen, because he wasn't a teenager when principal photography began on the show back in 2008.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee:
271 lb. Chaz Bono collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

All in all, it's not a very mean week in the supermarket rags.  The low rent Examiner wasn't delivered in Oakland yet and the Globe eats up the majority of the cover with a "Where Are They Now?" story without any dire predictions of anyone dying. The meanest story in the consistently mean Enquirer has the following headlines, listed as "Exclusive breaking news!"
  • 271 lb. Chaz colapses! 
  • Friends race to save him
This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:
Thanksgiving 2011 prophecies go bust.

The Sun likes prophecies about easy to remember dates, bad stuff happening on 4th of July or New Years or Thanksgiving.  This Thanksgiving, there were supposed to be al Qaeda nukes which would herald the return of Jesus.

Thursday came and went relatively nuclear bomb free.

As for those of you very keen on the return of Jesus, well... you may have to wait a little longer.

Missed deadline alert:
Michael Douglas is still alive.

Last year, we got two separate expiration dates for Michael Douglas in the gossip rags. One said he would be dead by last January, obviously not true.  There was also a story in the Globe with the big headline NO HOPE FOR MICHAEL DOUGLAS with friends fearing that Thanksgiving 2010 would be his last.

We just had Thanksgiving 2011.  Hope you enjoyed yours as I enjoyed mine.  And special good wishes to Michael Douglas and his family, hoping he has several more to enjoy in the future.

From a fan.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

On the rocks alert:
Six stories about the Demi-Ashton divorce.

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, In Touch, Star
Date: 5 Dec. 2011
Six cover stories about the Demi Moore-Ashton Kutcher divorce announcement this week.  The only magazine that might have put it on the cover and didn't was the Enquirer. The Globe and the low rent Examiner aren't interested in people this young, except for British royalty.
Here are the headlines.
  • People:  Demi & Ashton split
    Inside the final days
    $290 million divorce
    The real story
    Their "intense" fights
    A desperate last-ditch trip to save the marriage
    how age, cheating and insecurity domed them
  • OK!: Ashton & Demi divorce
    Why she finally left
  • Weekly Life & Style: Why Demi finally left Ashton
  • Star: Demi divorce bombshell
    Ashton's new lies
  • In Touch: The final insult
    What Demi found!
  • Us Weekly: How Demi got the courage to dump Ashton

This week's stories about Jennifer Lopez's love life.

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Lots of stories about J. Lo this week in the gossip rags.  There are two stories about her love life and she's mentioned in a "Stylists Tell All" grab bag that will be covered tomorrow.  Here are the love life headlines.
  • In Touch: J. Lo: Dating a criminal
  • Us Weekly: Sex with her ex:J. Lo and Marc's secret hookup

Three stories on Turkey Day about these turkeys

Publications: Us Weekly, OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The number of Kim'N'Kris stories went up to three this week, including two lead stories. Last week, it was only two stories with one being a lead.  Here are the headlines.
  • Us Weekly: Husband from hell
    The truth comes out
    He hit on other women, called Kim FAT and mocked her family
    Why she couldn't fake it anymore
  • Weekly Life & Style: The Kardashians' biggest fear:
    Kris sues Kim for $10 million
    Now it's war!
    The Kardashians go ballistic as Kris' family exposes all their dirty secrets 
  • OK!: Breaking news: Kim & Kris talk reunion
Once again, OK! cements its reputation as the nicest if not most reliable of the gossip rags. The idea that they are getting back together again is extremely far-fetched if there is a shred of truth in all the other dozens of stories we've been bombarded with over the past two months.  In fact, you have to go back to late September to find the last positive cover story about Kim'n'Kris, when OK! reported she was pregnant.

Fussin' and Feudin' alert:
Justin's ex confronts Jen.

Publication: Star
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  How does a guy get in the Top Ten of mentions in gossip rags?  Well, either he's the President of the United States or he's squiring some woman in also in the Top Ten.  Justin Theroux has chosen Option #2.  According to Star, some woman he previously squired confronted his current girlfriend Jennifer Aniston.

Bad help alert:
Angelina's assistant tells all!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  As I have noted before, other celebrities actually have to do something to get on the cover of the gossip rags.  Angelina Jolie merely has to exist.  On the cover of In Touch is a picture of her with several of her daughters and several unflattering headlines from an assistant who is now spilling the beans.
  • "She can't hide the crazy"
  • Locks kids in bedrooms while she gets drunk
  • Her disturbing online addiction
  • Strange soup diet
Okay, I take exception to the last one.  Soup is good food!

On the rocks alert:
Bruce and Kris Jenner.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 Dec. 2011
Fresh trash on Thursdays!  Welcome to gossip hell, Bruce Jenner! For the first time in at least two years, the most invisible adult in the Kardashian family circus gets on the cover of a supermarket gossip rag with a rumor of divorce from the woman who pimps out her own daughters for fame, now including Jenner's underage biological daughters.
I'm old enough to remember when he was a great athlete, but I also remember even then he made some questionable decisions trying to turn a decathlon championship into a career.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Love Bird Alert:
Cameron and Diddy - a shocking new couple

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 28 Nov. 2011
Fresh trash tomorrow!  Last trash of the week... right now!
 Us Weekly calls Cameron Diaz and Diddy (or P. Diddy or Puff Daddy or Sean Combs or whatever name he is using now) a "shocking new couple".

I personally am not shocked.  They are both rich, famous and single, he's 42 and she's 39 so there isn't a massive age difference or any thought of them being "too young". They both seem to be in it for a good time.

Is interracial dating shocking in 2011?
Honey, please.

Matt Lauer's "Where in the World" travel diary!

Publication: OK!
Date: 28 Nov. 2011
OK! gives Matt Lauer's travel gimmick a plug.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert:
Tanya's olive branch to Glen rejected

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 Nov. 2011
Tanya Tucker and Glen Campbell used to date back when Reagan was president, but it did not end well. (Neither did the Reagan presidency, but that's a story for another day.)  In any case, the hatchet is not yet buried and the low rent Examiner wants us to know about it. Here are the headlines.
  • Tanya begs ex-love Glen
  • "Let's make up!"
  • "No way" - he says

Weekly World News alert:
Taxidermist survives 30 years on road kill.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 28 Nov. 2011
The Sun predicted the end of the world again this week, but didn't give a testable date so I won't print what they said.  This means the only contribution from that cover is the Weekly World News story about a taxidermist living on roadkill for 30 years.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

On the rocks alert:
Katy betrayed by Russell.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 28 Nov. 2011
Katy Perry and Russell Brand got married last November in India.  Since then, every story about them has claimed their marriage is in trouble, the most recent was last August.
For those of you keeping track at home, their marriage has lasted at least five times as long as the Kardashian-Humphries wedding and is well on its way to six times as long.

Bells Done Rung:
Kim Z.'s wedding album

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

News has been slow on the Real Housewives front for a few weeks now, but Kim Zolchiak just had a modest little $1,000,000 wedding and Weekly Life & Style thought we in the 99% would like to see pictures from this opulent display.

Casey Anthony survives assassination attempt!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The Enquirer would like to remind everyone that Casey Anthony is still the most hated person in America with a story about her surviving an assassination attempt.  Here are the headlines.
  • Killer wanted to put a bullet through her brain
  • She's pulled from kill zone & rushed to a new safe house
A lawyer for Anthony denies the entire story.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Herman Cain is a liar!

Photo by Brian Snyder (REUTERS)
Publication: Globe
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

American Media Inc. has shown a keen interest in the 2012 election. It can be taken for granted that all stories about Obama and his family are negative, but they are mainly in the Globe and the low rent Examiner.  The flagship National Enquirer leaves Obama alone for now.

It's a very different story when dealing with the Republican candidates. They loved the idea of Donald Trump for president, a truly ridiculous concept from the very start, but they have been viciously against several other candidates.  They sniped at Sarah Palin when she was still being coy about running, they said Rick Perry had ties to the Klan, and now they set their sites on fading former front-runner Herman Cain. After a story in the Enquirer last week about Cain and a White House intern, now the Globe has a headine about a "truth detection test" that proves Herman Cain is a liar.

So far, Mitt Romney has largely been spared, with one "prophecy" in the Sun, a magazine so far down the food chain that no one pays attention. (Well, no one but me, but I'm a little OCD about this stuff.) It will be interesting to see if the Enquirer starts writing bad things about Newt Gingrich.  It's not like he has no skeletons in his closet.

Buns in the Oven alerts™!
Babies for Carrie and Fergie

 Publication: OK!
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

OK!, the nicest if not the most reliable of the gossip rags, plasters the word "Official!" across their cover this week and announces two pregnancies.

The first is Carrie Underwood.  This has been denied.

The second is Fergie, singer with the Black Eyed Peas, pictured here with her husband Josh Duhamel.  The couple has denied this rumor as well.

Easy rule of thumb.  The only gossip rag where the word "official" really means official is People. All the rest of them make stuff up on a regular basis, nice or otherwise.

Goodbye, Regis!

Publication: Globe
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The Globe and the low rent Examiner take turns on putting Regis Philbin on their cover and most of the stories have a negative slant.  For example, back last January the Globe said Regis was leaving his show because he was dying.  Now that the show actually is coming to an end, they give him a surprisingly nice farewell.  Here are the headlines.
  • special tribute inside
  • Plus: Who's replacing him

Sunday, November 20, 2011

How to dress ten pounds thinner.

Publication: OK!
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

OK! has a cover story with advice about how to dress ten pounds thinner, with a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt next to the caption.

Here's some fashion advice from a dirty old man. If you can show cleavage like that, guys will probably not notice anything else.

Just sayin'.

Secrets taken to the grave alert:
Another story about Jackie O.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner goes for nothing but Hey Old Timer Gossip this week, including a story that claims Jackie O took some secret to her grave.

Honestly, won't everybody take at least one secret to the grave?

Problems with Plastic alert:
Sandra's new face.

Publication: OK!
Date: 28 Nov. 2011
There is speculation from long distance pictures that Sandra Bullock has had some work done on her lips. This picture is from RadarOnline and the story in the supermarket rags is from OK!

Mary Tyler Moore cheats death!

Publication: Globe
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

More "Hey, Old Timer!" gossip from the Globe, one of the two supermarket rags that skews older and more morbid than the rest. (The other is the low rent Examiner, a fellow kennel mate at American Media, Inc., owner of the five meanest of the American gossip magazines.) The sub headline reads "secret hospital drama".  "Drama" is code for a story that isn't even remotely similar to the sensationalistic headlines and often false in the bargain.
Best wishes to Miss Moore, her family and friends, from a fan.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

All this week's BrAngelina mishegas before Turkey Day.

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 28 Nov. 2011
I have written it before but it bears repeating. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don't actually have to do anything newsworthy to show up on the covers of the gossip rags, they just have to exist.

Here are this week's headlines.
  • In Touch: Angelina ruins Thanksgiving!
  • OK!: Brad & Angie: Wedding rehearsal
While only Angie is mentioned in the cover headline of In Touch, the picture is of both, so it counts as a BrAngelina story instead of a solo.

And the camera noses in to the tears on their faces:
The supermarket rags take on Penn State.

Publications: People, National Enquirer
Date: 28 Nov. 2011
The story of the sex scandal is definitely the kind of story that has to get a mention in the gossip rags, and it falls upon People and the National Enquirer to do the work, a classic Luke vs. Darth match-up.

Here are the headlines.
  • People:  Penn State: Pain & Betrayal
    The Victims
    The accused
    Will there be justice?
  • National Enquirer: Penn State sex scandal
    What coach's wife is hiding

Sexiest Man Alive:
Bradley Cooper

Publication: People
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

People has their Sexiest Man Alive issue once again, and just like last year, I had to say, "What? That guy?" when I saw their choice, Bradley Cooper. (Last year it was Ryan Reynolds.)

Also mentioned by first name only were George (Clooney), Brad (Pitt), Zac (Efron), Kellan (Lutz, the reason this gets the Planted Crap label), Justin (guess which one, they tease? I looked inside. Theroux)

They also had a smaller picture of Ryan Gosling and a promise of 123 super hot guys inside.

Notice last year's Sexiest Man Alive isn't even worth a mention on the cover, but another Ryan gets a picture.

Sic transit gloria mundi, y'all!

Annoying label bookkeeping for Sexiest Man Alive 2011

Friday, November 18, 2011

Love Bird Alert™:
Rob wants to marry Kristen

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Now that the latest installment of Twilight is out, the level of planted crap has to rise.

It's like a law of physics or something.

In any case, Rob want to marry Kristen, according to this headline.  Under my cynical hermit crab shell there is still a little bit of romantic that hopes this is true.  They look so cute in this picture.

Hairdresser Alert™:
One of the Twilight hunks is gay!

Publication: Star
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Now that the latest installment of the Twilight movies is out, expect the level of planted crap to rise.  Star has a mean streak even when it prints planted crap, and they say one of the young men in this picture (Kellan Lutz, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner) is coming out soon.  here are the headlines.
  • Twilight hunk: I'm gay!
  • Who will make the shocking announcement?
Not that it means a thing, but Kellan is the only one who hasn't had his name plastered all over the gossip rags famously squiring a lovely young thing.  Rob is still deeply in gossip mag love with Kristen Stewart (see story above, also planted crap), while Taylor Lautner was dating Taylor Swift a few boyfriends back.
Both or either of those could be smokescreens.  Just sayin'.