Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Lady Gaga's secret wedding.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Enquirer has a story that Lady Gaga is going to have a secret wedding and tells you, the reader, how you can attend.

This story is odd for several reasons. Let me list them.
  1. This is the first time the Enquirer has mentioned Lady Gaga this decade. She's really not aimed at their demographic.
  2. It's a generally positive story from the Meanest Tabloid In The United States.
  3. If the wedding is a secret, how can any old person in a supermarket checkout line attend?
As odd as the story was, I didn't open the rag up to find the answer to the last question.

He Fought The Law Alert™:
What the Aruba suspect told the cops.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

The Enquirer gives a lot of ink on the cover to the investigation of Robyn Gardner, the woman who recently went missing in Aruba, and they name Gary Giordano as the prime suspect. Here are the headlines.
  • Robin killed in suspect's hideout
  • What happened in her final minutes - cops believe

Weekly World News alert:
Woman gives birth to alien baby.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

The Weekly World News tells us this week that a woman has given birth to an alien baby after a Close Encounter of the Hubba Hubba Kind. The Weekly World News needs a new recurring character, especially since Bat Boy is now Bat Middle Aged Guy With A Beer Belly.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Alex Trebek mystery!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

I have to say, the low rent Examiner did everything right with this story on the front page. Here is the headline.
  • Alex Trebek mystery
  • The hooker, the hotel, the fall
  • What happened that night?
Doesn't that make you want to open the magazine and read the story?

For the record, I didn't open the magazine, but I was tempted.

The truth about Omer Bhatti's parents!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell 2011 style Omer Bhatti! The kid was a hanger-on in the Michael Jackson universe back in the 1990s, and there were rumors that he was Michael's illegitimate son.

But now the story gets a little crazier. Etterlene DeBarge, mother of the DeBarge clan and Janet Jackson's former mother-in-law, says Omer is the child of El Debarge and Janet.

The Enquirer printed this because crazy old bats are never wrong.

On the rocks alert:
Katy Perry divorce drama

Publication: Star
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

According to Star, recently wed Katy Perry and Russell Brand are going through a rough patch. The magazine promises to tell "the truth about Russell & blonde".

This is probably my least favorite couple outside of some reality TV pairings. To me she represents what's wrong with the music industry and he represents what's wrong with humanity.

Monday, August 29, 2011

And the camera noses in to the tears on their faces:
Rose McGowan's escape from a cult.

Publication: People
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Rose McGowan! People interviews the actress, who currently can be seen in the box office dud Conan the Barbarian, about growing up in a hippie commune in Italy that she fairly describes as a cult and how she escaped from it.

Let us recall that Rose got her big break replacing Shannen Doherty on the TV show Charmed when Doherty became just too difficult to work with. Ms. Doherty is still in a creepy cult called the Republican Party.

She Fought The Law Alert™:
Casey Anthony's death car scrapped!

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner, have been the main carriers of headlines about Casey Anthony now that her trial is over and she has been found not guilty. The Globe headline reads "Auto used as Caylee's coffin crushed at junkyard!" To my mind, this says they are really stretching to find anything interested or new about the situation.

Casey is not quite in the top ten of popular cover stories of 2011, but it's possible she could get there before the end of the year.

Bundle of Joy Alert:
Tia Mowry's baby boy Cree.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Tia Mowry! It's more appropriate to call it gossip heck, because the star of the 90s sitcom Sister, Sister makes her supermarket rag debut this decade as the mother of a cute and healthy baby named Cree, the most positive kind of story the gossip rags carry.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Breaking news:
Beyonce is pregnant.

Date: 28 August 2011

Beyoncé Knowles, low flying angel and wife of the rapper Jay-Z, showed up on the red carpet on the MTV Video Music Awards this evening with an obvious baby bump, and her representative has confirmed she is pregnant with her first child.

There have been a couple rumors of pregnancy for her in the past few years, but the most recent was ten months ago, so I'm going to say that one is now officially a lie.

Best wishes to all involved.

Problems With Plastic Alert:
JWoww's surgery confession.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

When it comes to Nielsen ratings, Jersey Shore is one of the big hits of reality TV. When it comes to interest from The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, it's not as popular as Mob Wives. Almost all the stories about Jersey Shore this year have involved JWoww, the taller brunette with the massive rack, who confesses to some plastic surgery.

Hey Old Timer Gossip:
Doris Day to release first album in over twenty years.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

The tabloids tell us someone is near death more than once a week on average and their prophecy record pretty much sucks. This week, three people on the Vulture List get stories that make it sound like they aren't ready to leave us just yet. Burt Reynolds might lose his house, Dick Van Dyke has a new lease on life with a girlfriend less than half his age and now Doris Day is said to be recording a new album, a story I found confirmed by other sources. The Globe says its her first album in 29 years, while the independent confirmation says she recorded one in 1994, which is only 17 years ago. Alleged "insiders" fear that the 87 year old singer and actress is only making this recording because she is going broke.

Stay classy, Globe.

Not really Brave Last Days alert?
Dick Van Dyke and his young galpal

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

This week, there were three updates on people who are under Brave Last Days watch that make it sound like maybe the end is not so near after all. About five months ago, the low rent Examiner put Dick Van Dyke on the tabloid vulture list. This week, they say the 84 year old actor is very happy with a 39 year old "galpal" whom he credits with saving his life.

Best wishes to Mr. Van Dyke, his family and friends, from a fan.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Hollywood's extreme diets

Publication: OK!
Date: 5 September 2011

A quick scan of the label list shows that Damn You Skinny™ stories are more than twice as common as Damn You Fat™ stories, roughly as common as Bun In The Oven Alerts™. OK! has three women on the cover this week, Gwyneth Paltrow, LeAnn Rimes and Angelina Jolie, with a passel of headlines that aren't connected to specific people, hoping to get someone to open the magazine and read it. In my case, as usual, this clever plan did not work.

Here are the headlines.
  • Hollywood's most extreme diets
  • Exercising at midnight
  • Eating only baby food
  • 190 calories per meal
  • Who's being healthy and who's in danger!

On the rocks alert:
OK! continues to push the story of Brad Pitt and his assistant.

Publication: OK!
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

OK! continues to push the story of Brad Pitt's relationship with a young assistant on the set of World War Z, first leaked in early July. Here are the new headlines.
  • Brad's mystery woman revealed
  • (OK! exclusive)
  • She shows off in a sexy bikini
  • Parades around in her underwear
  • Her x-rated message to Angie
Her name is not mentioned on the cover, but on the website OK! outs Lara Marsden as the culprit.

On the rocks alert:
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith separating.

Publications: People, In Touch
Date: Sept. 5 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Will Smith! The actor and rapper gets his first mention in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter in two years in the worst possible way with rumors about the dissolution of his marriage. His wife Jada Pinkett Smith has been mentioned one time before as part of a list in one of those coy "who's gay and who's not" lists the Enquirer likes to print.

The People headline is low key, just the line " Will & Jada marriage drama".

But In Touch really goes to town with the story, taking up most of the cover with pictures and headlines.

  • Two marriages destroyed
  • Jada steals J. Lo's husband!
  • Exclusive photos & interviews
  • Will Smith catches Jada & Marc Anthony in his home and runs out crying!
  • Humiliated Will fires his staff for covering it up
  • Details of their secret separation
Will and Jada are denying it and making public appearances to dispel the rumors, but this has gotta hurt. The idea that a woman is leaving you for Marc Anthony (?!?) is embarrassing to hear even if it isn't true.

As Leslie Gore wrote all those years ago, you would cry too if it happened to you.

Annoying label bookkeeping for Will Smith-Jada Pinkett Smith separation story.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Meanest story nominee:
Burt Reynolds losing his home!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us that Burt Reynolds may lose his home because he hasn't paid his mortgage in a year.

Maybe Burt reads the gossip rags and believes he'll be dead soon.

In any case, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee:
Obama breaks down after booze binge!

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

The Globe tells us that Barack Hussein Montgomery Clift Obama cannot hold his liquor and has collapsed after a booze binge. According to the headline, rehab is the secret behind his recent $5 million vacation.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee and Hairdresser Alert™:
Russell Armstrong's gay lover tells all!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

Let the record show that while Taylor Armstrong was on the cover of several gossip rags because she was too skinny, The Only Ten Magazines That Matter ignored her husband Russell until the Enquirer wrote an article that said he beat her and put her in the hospital, and while the article was still on the stands, he committed suicide.

Now, after possibly driving the man to suicide, the Enquirer decides to kick a corpse and talk to his alleged gay lover. They also add the sub-headline "Housewives suicide tragedy!" just in case you forgot why this guy should be on the cover of a gossip rag.

I don't think outing a person is the worst thing in the world, but if that person isn't an anti-gay political figure like Marcus Bachmann or Rick Perry, I don't see the point.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:
Stories about Russell Armstrong's suicide.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Globe
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

Half of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have stories about the suicide death of Russell Armstrong last week. Armstrong was the estranged husband of Taylor Armstrong of the reality TV show The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Here are four of the headlines.
  • OK!: Russell's suicide
    why he didn't have to die
  • Globe: Curse of reality TV
    Shows blasted for tearing lives apart
  • Weekly Life & Style: Taylor devastated by suicide
    The chilling episodes you'll never see
  • Us Weekly: Reality suicide
    dark secrets exposed
    destroyed by their pursuit of fame
Let the record show that these gossip hounds say it's all reality TV's fault, as though the supermarket rags don't rely on reality TV for a large bulk of their stories. (To be fair to the Globe, because their audience skews older, they don't do reality TV gossip as much as the other mags on the list above.) There is one headline I didn't include because it's going to be in the running for Meanest Story of the Week.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Bun in the oven alert™:
Bachelorette baby exclusive!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 September 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Weekly Life & Style has a picture of the latest pair from that miserable romantic failure factory The Bachelorette with a baby exclusive.

If this is true and all goes according to form, the child will be just another "bastard in a basket!"

Skeeter Davis Alert™:
Indian scroll says all final prophecies come true in the next 100 days!

Publication: Sun
Date: 5 September 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Sun does me the courtesy of a specific date for their latest gloom and doom, saying a Native American scroll shows that the Rapture, Armageddon, the Second Coming and several new disasters will be coming in the next 100 days, which if I counted it correctly means a due date of Saturday, December 3 of this year at the very latest.

Honestly, anything that might stop this jackass from becoming President of the United States would be an improvement.

I will probably still be here to report, oh me of little faith.

Bells Done Rung™:
The Kim Kardashian wedding stories.

Publications: People, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, OK!, Star
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Only Ten Magazines That Matter treated the wedding of Kim Kardashian as a Big Damn Deal this week, with slightly less coverage than the Royal Wedding this spring, but more coverage than Chelsea Clinton last year.

Behold the power of reality TV.

Here are the headlines.
  • People: Kim's wedding album
    The exclusive photos!
    only in People
    Gown! Guests! Glamour!
    Every delicious detail!
  • In Touch: Kim's $400,000 wedding gift
  • Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding album
    the ring, the dresses and that 7-foot cake
  • Us Weekly: Kim's wedding
    fairy tale or fake?
    Inside her lavish $17 million I do's
  • OK!: Kim's Fairy-tale wedding
  • Star: Kim's wild wedding
    drunk stars and a shocking twist - only in Star
It's not surprising that Star would find a negative angle, but it is a little surprising that Us Weekly goes nasty, too. While I get the feeling there is some Kardashian backlash going on, the next logical step in the story is the pregnancy watch, and the gossip rags cannot help themselves when it comes to speculation about babies.

I don't think Kim is going away just yet. The rest of the Kardashian clan may be waning, but she has set herself up perfectly for the modern gossip industry.

Bells are Ringing Alert™ and Love Bird Alert:
Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds yet again.

Publications: OK!, Star
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two magazines once again want to make more of the Sandra Bullock-Ryan Reynolds friendship, though the story has been denied in the past. Here are the headlines.
  • Star: Sandra & Ryan getting married
    Exclusive photos & details of their secret getaway
    Ryan's acting like a dad.
    Inside their hush-hush romance
  • OK!: Sandra & Ryan: Together again
    new pics inside
The picture on the cover of Star that looks paternal is Sandra and Ryan hiking with little Louis being carried by him instead of her.

Bun in the oven alert™:
More stories about Jennifer Aniston's ovaries.

Publications: Us Weekly, Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! No set of unused ovaries have been the focus of more speculation than those of Jennifer Aniston over the past few years, and this week we get three more stories saying she is definitely pregnant. Looking online, I have not seen the denials of this particular round of rumors, but she did deny the rumors from earlier this month. Here are the headlines.
  • Us Weekly: Jen's Baby Countdown
    she suddenly quit smoking and drinking
    Decorating a new home with Justin
    And now, weight gain and morning sickness
  • Weekly Life & Style: Fertility doctor gives Jen the good news
    It's Twins!
    Her bump gets bigger
    World exclusive
  • Star: First look!
    Jen's baby nursery

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Breaking news:
Steve Jobs resigns as Apple CEO

(photo nicked from

As has been reported in many outlets, Steve Jobs has resigned today as CEO of Apple. None of the official statements mention it, but it is widely assumed to be health related.

This only counts as breaking news for tabloid fodder because the National Enquirer gave Jobs six week to live back in February. Obviously, they overstated the severity of the health issue, but many people fear it may have been just an overstatement and not an outright lie.

For the record, the tabloids suck at predicting death. The only correct expiration date so far was when the low rent Examiner said this year would be Miss Elizabeth Taylor's last birthday, and even this one can be discounted when we take into consideration how many death knells she heard in the gossip rags since the early 1960s.

The missed deadlines include Whitney Houston, Aretha Franklin, Michael Douglas, Dick Clark and Bill Clinton. Unfortunately, there is also the case of Elizabeth Edwards who died a few months after her six month expiration date passed.

Best wishes to Mr. Jobs, his family and friends, from someone writing a blog post on an Apple computer.

On the rocks alert:
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mildred Baena fight over love child.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 29 August 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

It looked like the Arnold Schwarzenegger divorce might become one of the biggest gossip stories of the year when it broke back in May, especially as juicy details kept leaking. But after an early flurry, everyone except the Enquirer and Globe lost interest. This latest story leaves Maria Shriver out completely, instead focusing on the secrets and threats between Arnold and the mother of his child Mildred Baena. The boy's name is Joseph.

I apologize for being insulting, but for such a rich and powerful guy, all the women Arnold allegedly cheated with have been pretty darned homely.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:
Patrick Swayze's mom's hell!

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 August 2011

The Globe has an exclusive interview with Patrick Swayze's mom two year after his death.

Real Mob Wives.
What TV doesn't show.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 29 August 2011

I have very few nice things to say about the low rent Examiner, but in general they leave reality TV alone, with the exception of Dancing With The Stars. Now they go and lose that one small saving grace by discussing real mob wives, including one from the show Mob Wives, Karen Gravano.

Karen Gravano - drug rap
Cheryl Caruso - broke
Andrea Giovino - Death threats
Love Majewski - Target
Linda Scarpa - beaten

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:
Tara's surprise nuptials.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 29 August 2011

Tara Reid often appears on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, usually for being too skinny. In the spring of 2010, In Touch said she would be married in the summer of that year. Since her recent marriage is called a "surprise", I assume last year's engagement fell through and this is some new guy.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:
Sherri's Dream Day

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 29 August 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Sherri Shepherd. Sherri gets about the nicest intro to the gossip rags possible, pictures of her wedding day.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:
Brooke Burke's beach vows.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 29 August 2011

Weekly Life & Style devoted about half the cover to Kim Kardashian's wedding this week and the other half was mentions of other celebrities who recently tied the knot, with the focus on the bride naturally. I could have tried to hunt down a new Brooke Burke picture, but I'm a dirty old man and I kind of like this one.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Monday, August 22, 2011

She Fought The Law Alert™:
Stripper bank robber exposed!

Publication: Globe
Date: 29 August 2011

Globe put stripper turned bank robber Lee-Grace Dougherty on the cover this week, promising to tell the Dougherty Gang gal's violent secrets.

The only story that warranted more space on the cover of the Globe was Sarah Palin snorting coke. Of course, Sarah is a better known shady operator and almost all her money making schemes are legal as far as we know.

Butt scandal: Was Pippa padded?

Publication: In Touch
Date: 29 August 2011

Most weeks, if there is a gossip rag headline that makes me smile, it is provided by the Weekly World News. This week, In Touch was trying to be serious drumming up interest in whether Pippa Middleton wore butt padding or not.

It's hard to believe grown ups get paid to write this stuff.

I'm not talking about myself, of course, because I'm not getting paid.

Rich people are rich:
Hollywood's 50 richest women.

Publication: Star
Date: 29 August 2011

Star has a small blurb on the cover about the 50 richest women in Hollywood. Instead of going with pictures of the most popular gossip celebrities, they have a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker, who has a movie coming out in the middle of next month.

And they put in a picture of Britney Spears, who is currently on tour.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Vienna's plan on Bachelor Pad backfires!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 29 August 2011

ABC has created a new spin-off of The Bachelor franchise called Bachelor Pad. I have no idea what the gimmick is, but it sounds more like Big Brother or The Real World. In any case, Vienna had a scheme but it didn't work out.

If you want to know what it was, you can buy the magazine. I've already used up all my interest in this story writing these few sentences.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Jen and Eva plan their weddings

Publication: OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 29 August 2011

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are not being as obsessive about Kim Kardashian's wedding this weekend as they were about the Wills'N'Kate's big to-do, but there are a passel of stories about wedding that have just recently happened or are about to happen or are at least being rumored.

OK! says Jennifer Aniston is planning to get married and Us Weekly says Jen and Justin (Theroux) are talking marriage. Her reps say this is just a rumor.

OK! says Eva Longoria is planning to get married. Her reps say this is just a rumor.

As I have written before, OK! is the nicest of the gossip rags, but not the most reliable.

Justin's ex warns Jen!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 29 August 2011

Here's a fun fact. It's the obscure British playwright William Congreve (1670-1729) who wrote the line "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." This week's example of this well observed adage comes from Justin Theroux's ex. Here are the headlines.
  • Hooked on Mr. Wrong
  • His criminal past
  • How he cruelly mocked Jen
  • His ex: "He lied to my face!"
  • "He'll never be faithful"

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Telethon dumps Jerry Lewis!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 29 August 2011

Labor Day is rolling around, and the low rent Examiner wants us to know that the Muscular Dystrophy Foundation finally got as sick of Jerry Lewis as right thinking Americans have been sick of him since, oh I don't know, Don't Raise the Bridge, Lower the River. They are allegedly afraid of what he might say.

Damn You Not Skinny Alert™: Suri Cruise diet at age 5.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 29 August 2011

In Touch has just the headline "Suri: A Diet at age 5!" with a picture of Suri and her mom Katie at the beach. Neither one looks fat to me.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
How much they really eat!

Publication: OK!
Date: 29 August 2011

OK! tells us they have inside information on the actual eating habits of two women sometimes considered too skinny. The first is Kristen Stewart.

I'm sure she gets plenty of protein biting her lower lip. She does that all the time. Also, I've seen publicity stills from the latest Twilight saga. Wearing very little clothing and photographed from lots of angles, her arms and legs don't have that ridiculous emaciated look at all.

And the other is Kate Middleton. She may be too skinny, but she is a vast improvement over the #1 Kate of 2010 gossip, Kate Gosselin.

Love Bird Alert™:
Taylor and Taylor, it's on again!

Publication: Star
Date: 29 August 2011

Before Kanye West behaved like an asshole at the MTV Awards, I barely knew who Taylor Swift was. Now she's a minor gossip star for her romantic misadventures. Star tells us she's back together with Taylor Lautner from the Twilight series, the two of them seen here in a serious PDA.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Bethenny Frankel says "I know I'm too thin."

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 29 August 2011

I don't claim this blog is of earth shattering importance, but the idea is to keep track of stories over time. Weekly Life & Style has a quote from Bethenny Frankel admitting that she is too thin right now. In February, Us Weekly had a story that she said she used to be obsessed about being thin.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.