Sunday, July 31, 2011

Horror in Norway:
Stories of survival.

Publication: People
Date: 8 August 2011

Once again, there's a big tragedy in the real world and only People puts it on the cover. This is just another example of People being the classiest and most reliable of the magazines you can buy at the supermarket checkout stand.

Least interesting cover story of the week:
Soap star's secret wedding (photo inside)

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 August 2011

The annoying custom of stories without cover art continues, this time a teaser about a celebrity wedding without even a name on the cover. I didn't open the magazine to find out who and it wasn't on their website. If you care about this, you'll have to go find the magazine yourself.

Skeeter Davis Alert™:
More bad stuff for 2011!

Publication: Sun
Date: 8 August 2011

The Sun has given us more bad things that will happen this year and credited some of their "most reliable" psychics. Of course they use everyone's favorite vague French 16th Century poet and prophet, Michel de Nostradamus, but also Black Elk, John the Baptist and Mother Teresa, a line-up they have used before.

No Nikki, Psychic to the Stars, sad to say.

The stuff that is supposed happen: Al Qaeda nukes, a White House scandal and a Medicare meltdown.

As long as the Tea Party has its way, the third thing is an option. The second could also take place. The first one... not really believable.

We'll see. And I promise to report back on 1/1/2012.

I've been confused about using Mother Teresa as a prophet. Teresa of Avila, sure, but Teresa of Calcutta? Well, her organization disavows this stuff and wishes people would stop. Not that their wishes carry any weight with a two-bit rag like the Sun.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Weekly World News alert:
Alien backs Michele Bachmann for President!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 8 August 2011

Weekly World News brings back the politically astute Space Alien who endorses presidential candidates. The being from another planet is backing Michele Bachmann for president in 2012. The alien has a pretty good track record, endorsing Clinton in 1992 and Bush in 2000, but it should not be forgotten the alien first backed Ross Perot and then changed his mind, so a Bachmann presidency is not a done deal, thank Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha?
Peter Falk didn't have to die

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 August 2011

In the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the most popular types of stories about the recently deceased are the secrets taken to the grave, people feuding over the will and the "didn't have to die" stories. Peter Falk gets the third type of treatment this week from the Globe.

Least interesting cover story of the week:
Maci betrayed by Ryan's nude scandal

Publication: OK!
Date: 8 August 2011

It's always a treat when there is no Teen Mom story on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, which was the case last week. This week is almost as good, since there is only one story and it has no artwork associated, a headline about Maci and Ryan and some nude scandal, though it sounds like he's nekkid instead of her, which is slightly unusual in these cases.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert:
This week's stories about The Bachelorette.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Us Weekly, National Enquirer
Date: 8 August 2011

The stories this week about The Bachelorette either focus on Ashley or on J.P. Here are the headlines about her.
  • National Enquirer: Bachelorette was rigged!
    Ashley's fake script and tears
  • Us Weekly: Bachelorette Exclusive: Ashley says yes!

And the ones about J.P.
  • OK!: The Bachelorette: J.P.'s secrets revealed
  • In Touch: JP's secret double life
    Ashley fooled again!
    He's still madly in love with his ex, Stephanie
    A shocking celeb hook-up
    The real reason he went on the show
    Why marrying him could be Ashley's worst mistake ever!
This is why the gossip rags love the reality shows. They can write whatever they want without fear of losing access.

Rich people are rich:
Kim's wild Vegas party.

Publication: OK!
Date: 8 August 2011

Only one story about Kim K. on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week. She threw a party in Vegas.

That hardly seems like news, does it? They are always partying in Vegas.

And the camera noses in to the tears on their faces:
Khloe and Lamar's anguish.

Publication: Star
Date: 8 August 2011

Khloe Kardashian was one of the most popular celebrities in the tabloids early in the year, but since Kim's wedding has been announced, the supermarket rags have paid scant attention to the other Kardashian siblings. This week, she and Lamar get on the cover of Star because of a murder in the family, which I assume means his family.

Breaking news:
Kim Kardashian wedding date set for August 20.

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 29 July 2011

TMZ publishes a picture of a wedding invitation for Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. The date is Saturday, August 20, three weeks from tomorrow. It says black tie.

We'll see soon enough if this is the real deal or not.

Meanest Story nominee:
Michael Douglas' NEW cancer shocker.

Publication: Star
Date: 1 August 2011

Michael Douglas' health problems were all over the tabloids late last year, but after several predictions of his imminent demise, one of which came with a deadline that has already passed with the star still alive, the story was pretty much dropped. Now, Star has a grainy telephoto picture of him smoking and these headlines.
  • Smoking again and fighting for his life
  • Catherine struggles as they run away from it all
This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee:
Yet another premature story about the Jackie O tapes.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 August 2011

Okay, let's get the facts out of the way first. There are tapes of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis that have not been released to the public. According to reliable sources, Caroline Kennedy will authorize their release this September.

Now we are expected to believe the low rent Examiner has a source that will tell us what's on them. They promise a look inside her "shattered life" and the secret of who was really behind the assassination of JFK.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee:
Celeste Holm's nightmare

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 August 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Miss Celeste Holm! I loved her so much in movies that were made before I was born, like All About Eve and Champagne for Caesar. Well now, it's the low rent Examiner that tells us her family is squabbling about her money and she may lose her home.

The good news is that this is not a Brave Last Days alert for the Academy Award winning actress, who tuned 94 last April.

Best wishes to Miss Holm, her friends and whatever family members who are not trying to rob her blind, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Good Mom Alert™:
Angelina and the kids in London.

Publications: People, In Touch
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! I've written it many times before, but it bears repeating. Other people have to do something to get on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. Angelina Jolie merely has to exist.

It's all about her and the kids this week, Brad is not mentioned. Here are the headlines.
  • People: Angie and the kids take London
  • In Touch: Angelina: Inside the Twins' World

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Rich People are Rich:
This week's Jen and Justin news.

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two new stories about the Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux romance are in the supermarket rags this week, and they both point in the same positive direction. Here are the headlines.
  • In Touch: Jen & Justin: $60 million mansion
  • Star: Jen and Justin set the date (Exclusive)
I don't know if any of the stories can be trusted, but I do know with recent pictures, Justin has finally shaved off that ridiculous beard.

It may be his "deer in the headlights" look, but I'm going to have to get used to this. I imagine Jen feels the same.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Queen orders Camilla to stop bullying Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Sorry for the weird picture. I was trying to find a shot of all three of the women in this story, Liz Windsor, Camilla Parker-Bee-otch and Long Tall Katy all together at once and this is the best I could do.

So, the Queen herself has stomped her mighty hoof and asked for the end of the alleged Camilla-Kate unpleasantness.

Though honestly, let's be fair. if Buckingham Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings, wants to end the Camilla unpleasantness once and for all, it might take a high speed paparazzi chase in a Paris tunnel, if you know what I mean.

On the rocks alert:
Stedman betrays Oprah!

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Now that her TV show is ending, it's up in the air how much the gossip rags will care about Oprah Winfrey. Still, with this story she climbs back into the list of the Top Ten celebrities in the gossip rags, with almost all the stories in the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner. Here are this week's headlines.
  • As her empire collapses Oprah betrayed!
  • Her fury as Stedman spends afternoon with hot blonde!
"Hot blonde" is pictured but not named, and she does look good.

I see another camping trip in Oprah and Gayle's future.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert:
J. Lo alone and...
back together with Ben Affleck?

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! So, now that J. Lo and Marc Anthony are no more, do we care about how he's doing?

Please. Get serious. It's all J. Lo all the time on the covers of the magazines this week. Here are the stories about her whooping it up.
  • People: J. Lo Solo: Her birthday without Marc
  • Us Weekly: J.Lo Parties Post Split
  • Weekly Life & Style: J. Lo's revenge

And then there's OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags if not the most reliable, They say she's going to get back together with Ben Affleck.
  • OK!: The plan to get Ben and J. Lo back together!
    Inside their private talks!
    All the intimate details
    Even J. Lo's mom is in on it!
Affleck isn't a fixture in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter, but there have been some stories about trouble in his marriage to Jennifer Garner.

Even if they are true, let me say this.

Ben. Buddy. I know we've never met and it's exceedingly unlikely you'll ever read this, but going back to J. Lo would be the worst move of your career, and I'm including Gigli and Smokin' Aces.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha?
Stories of Amy Winehouse's death.

Publications: People, National Enquirer, Star, Us Weekly, In Touch, OK!
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Amy Winehouse was a fixture in the British tabloids, but she was barely noticed in recent years on this side of the Atlantic until she died last week. Now there are six cover stories about her. Here are the headlines.
  • OK!: Amy Winehouse's tragic death
    Her Last Interview (Exclusive)
  • Us Weekly: Amy Winehouse - Her Lonely Last Days
  • In Touch: Amy Winehouse - Her Final Interview
  • Star: Amy Winehouse - Fight before fatal drug binge
  • People: Amy Winehouse dead at 27
    Talent and Tragedy
    Her Final Days
    The singer's anguished life and why those who loved her could not prevent her tragic death
    "It was only a matter of time", said her mom
  • National Enquirer: Amy Winehouse was pregnant when she died!
Stay classy, Enquirer!

Best wishes to the family and friends of Amy Winehouse, from a fan.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

You So Crazy Alert™:
Lisa Marie Presley hits rock bottom!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The idea of this blog is to keep track of the narrative behind the seemingly random headlines in the supermarket rags. One strong theme has been the National Enquirer's hatred for Scientologists, most especially fat Scientologists. Tom Cruise they leave alone for the most part. (Other mags have it in for him.) Jenna Elfman is not a topic of conversation at all. But Lisa Marie Presley, Kirstie Alley and John Travolta... nothing but hate, hate, hate for them.

Except maybe this week. They do hate on Lisa Marie, saying she's hit rock bottom, but they also say her pal Travolta is rushing in to save her.

The Enquirer has done some serious dumping on Travolta. He's gay, he's cheating on his wife, he abandoned his family, he's fat, he's going bald, you name it. But at least they admit that he does try to do outreach to people he knows who are in trouble. There was also a story about him trying to help Jeff Conaway a week before Conaway died.

Annoying label bookkeeping for plastic surgery story.

Problems With Plastic Alert:
Plastic surgery confessions!

Publication: Star
Date: 1 August 2011
(photo nicked for, copyright Chris Hatcher)

Another grab bag of celebrities who have gone under the knife are presented on the cove of Star this week. There are a couple of "Guess Who?" pictures, but as you know, I don't play that. A lot of the women are older stars barely of any interest to the tabloids. For example, Linda Evans get mentioned for the first time in at least two years and Madonna and Lisa Rinna (pictured above) get mentioned for the first time in 2011. Suzanne Somers and Nicole Kidman are also mentioned, common names when plastic surgery is the topic.

If any name on the list counts as a surprise at all, they say that Jennifer Aniston, the youngest person on the list by several years, has been under the knife twice. Star has floated this story before.

And the camera noses in to the tears on his face:
Jaycee stepdad's tearful plea

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 August 2011

Jaycee Dugard's stepdad pleads "Please don't abandon me!"

Because obviously, though he isn't blood kin, he's been through all the pain and trouble in this relationship.

I say "Do what you want, girl. It's your life now."

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Hey Old Timer Gossip:
Where are former soap stars now?

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 August 2011

Once again, the Globe makes clear who their target audience is: people who stay home and watch daytime TV and have done so for quite some time. They don't just do a story about soap opera stars, they have a story about former soap opera stars. On the cover are Gloria Loring, Jack Scalia, Amy Gibson and some little girl in a "Guess Who" picture who has gone on to have a career. I can't tell for sure who it is, and if you want to find out, you can get the magazine yourself.

She Fought The Law Alert™:
This week's Casey Anthony stories

Publications: National Enquirer, Globe
Date: 1 August 2011

Two of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids are trying to keep the outrage over the Casey Anthony verdict fueled. Here are the headlines.
  • National Enquirer: Casey loses $5 mil blood money deal after bitter public backlash
    Caylee's revenge!
    Plus: her new look revealed
  • Globe: Casey Anthony: Proof she got away with murder!
    Former prosecutor's bombshell charge!
    Five key piece of evidence HIDDEN from jury
    PLUS: Judge banned shocking Casey video

Monday, July 25, 2011

You So Crazy Alert™:
Mary Kate Olsen's tearful public breakdown

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

While other gossip sources show interest in the Olsen twins, young and allegedly worth billions while looking like heroin addicts, the Only Ten Magazines That Matter have left them alone for the most part. The Enquirer says this week that Mary Kate, whose last big brush with tabloid fame came when she was allegedly the last person to see Heath Ledger alive way back in early 2008, had a tearful public breakdown and they have exclusive pictures.

Bundle of Joy Alert:
First pictures of Eloise Joni Richards.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 1 August 2011

It's been nearly a half year since I used the Pulling A Bullock™ label, the idea that a female celebrity adopts a baby who has been on the bad side of publicity adopts a baby, possibly with the intention of getting some positive press. While the gossip rags wrote that others were going to do it, notably Eva Longoria and Jennifer Aniston, so far those have been unsubstantiated rumors.

Enter Denise Richards, former wife of famous hot mess Charlie Sheen. She has adopted a five week old baby girl and has named her Eloise Joni.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Bundle of Joy Alert:
First pictures of Harper Seven Beckham

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 1 August 2011

The first pictures of the new baby of Victoria and David Beckham, a girl named Harper Seven Beckham, are being published worldwide this week. I nicked this copy from an Australian newspaper, and it's the same as the one on the cover of Weekly Life & Style. Mom is not shown.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Skeeter Davis Alert™:
Seven deadly omens signal Judgment Day in 2011!

Publication: Sun
1 August 2011

Once again, the Sun wants us to know we live in The End Times, even though people who take the Bible seriously shouldn't believe a word of this. They say there are seven deadly omens, but they only give three on the cover, so those are the only ones I include in this post.
  • Worldwide riots
  • Killer storms
  • New great depression
Usually, I say I will report back at the time when these things are supposed to take place. Unlike most of the predictions, these are both common enough and vague enough that I expect at least one and maybe two of them to come true. After all, the Atlantic hurricane season has yet to take place and there are always deaths somewhere due to them, so "killer storms" is pretty much a lock. Riots are common enough and as for the word "depression" to describe the current economic mess, even Paul Krugman is using it now, though he calls it the Lesser Depression.

The only thing far fetched is that these events will be signs of the End Times. It's just the everyday crap we live with, so don't get all drama queen about it.

We gotta collpser!
Camilla's nervous breakdown.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us the Camilla Parker-Bowles is once again upset, or continues to be upset. If we accept the view of the Globe and the low rent Examiner, she's always in a bad mood about something. In any case, here are this week's headlines.
  • She collapses in jealous fit over Kate
  • "They love her! They hate me!"

I created a new label this week, "we gotta collapser" specifically for the stories in which people collpse. I went back and re-labeled stories in which variations of the word are used, and this one will be the 23rd time. As you might expect, women do more collapsing than men, delicate little flowers that they are, and while women of child bearing age get more cover stories than older women do by far, about half of the collapsing stories are about women past the age of menopause. For example, this is the third collapse in a year and a half for Camilla, so she's averaging about one every six months.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Kim picks the dress.

Publication: OK!
Date: 1 August 2011

Kim Kardashian's upcoming wedding is the only story from that family the Only Ten Magazines That Matter are interested in right now. This cover is from the middle of March before the official announcement was given to People, when OK! said she would be wearing Vera Wang.

They also said the wedding would rival William and Kate's, but I think we all know that's far fetched.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Breaking news:
Amy Winehouse dead at 27.

Source: National Public Radio (online)
Date: 23 July 2011

British soul singer Amy Winehouse has been found dead in her London home at the age of 27. No cause of death has been given yet. It's a sad coincidence 27 was also the age at death of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain.

She was only mentioned once in the American supermarket rags in the past year and a half in a grab bag "Hollywood out of control" story in the Enquirer this past February. It did not say she was marked for death. Back in early 2010 after the death of Brittany Murphy, the Globe put together a list of young celebrities who could also die soon. Winehouse was not on the cover. Given how old the Globe's demographic is, the readers might never have heard of Winehouse.

This is another way the tabloids suck at predicting death. She was clearly more of a mess than Whitney Houston or Lisa Marie Presley or Marie Osmond for pity's sake, but the magazines didn't think their readers knew who she was. It's a very limited slice of the celebrity world that gets covered in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Amy Winehouse, from a fan.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert:
More trouble in paradise over Brad's mystery woman.

Publication: OK!
Date: 1 August 2011

OK! is following up on their story from two weeks ago that Brad Pitt is flirting with some woman on the set of World War Z, a movie he is filming in Malta. She is an assistant and not an actress and it's allegedly causing a kerfuffle. Even at the OK! website, she does not have a name. Here are the new headlines.
  • Angie can't take it: Brad's mystery woman!
  • Shocking new photos inside
  • They flaunt their happiness in public
  • What she did to win Brad's trust
  • Why Brad can't stop seeing her

On the rocks alert:
BrAngelina fight over Shiloh!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 1 August 2011

Once again, there is trouble in the BrAngelina relationship, as they are fighting over Shiloh.

It's always something with these two, isn't it?

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
A proposal on The Bachelorette

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 1 August 2011

Because the break-up of J. Lo and Marc Anthony took up so much space this week, other stories get short shrift. No Teen Mom, thank Odin, Krishna and the little baby Jebus, and only one update on the latest season of The Bachelorette. Here are the headlines from Weekly Life & Style.
  • Ashley says yes in Fiji
  • 3.5 carat ring from her dream guy
  • She gushes to Life and Style "I'M SO HAPPY"
  • JP says "I love you"
  • Her romantic date with Ben F.
I can see why she's so happy. She gets to travel, she got a ring from a guy who tells her he loves her, AND she still gets to have romantic dates with other guys.

Friday, July 22, 2011

He Fought The Law Alert™:
"Dog" in bloody barroom fight!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

It's the dog days of summer, so this afternoon the stories are all about dogs. The low rent Examiner tells us that low rent reality TV star Dog the Bounty Hunter got into a bloody barroom brawl.

And I always thought of him as a level headed and upstanding gentleman.

No, wait, I must be thinking of someone else. It'll come to me.

Weekly World News alert:
Strange new pet... CatDog!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 1 August 2011

The Weekly World News is trying to work the old magic with a pretty lame photoshop of a CatDog.

I saw this cartoon. It kinda sucked. I mean, it's no Invader Zim.

Meanest Story nominee:
Loretta Lynn heart attack nightmare!

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 August 2011

The months roll by, things come and go, but the constant is the dogs from the AMI kennel saying bad things about Miss Loretta Lynn. Now it's the Globe saying the country star and living legend is enduring a "heart attack nightmare".

Here's a tip about reading these headlines. The words "nightmare" and "drama" usually mean "this story is blown all out of proportion". Miss Loretta is now 79 years old, by no means a spring chicken but not as old as it used to be. The tabloids have been trying to kill her off for at least a year and a half.

Best wishes to Miss Loretta Lynn, her family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee:
Kate collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

The Flagship has three stories in one about celebrities in trouble on the cover this week, but because there are so few stories in general - especially because of the J. Lo divorce and the Lachey-Minnillo wedding - all three will get separate treatment.

According to the Enquirer, Kate Middleton collapsed on the recent tour and her husband has ordered bed rest, what with him being an old fashioned future monarch and all.

Lucky he didn't send her to the Tower. He can do that, you know. Sadly, he can't do it to Rupert Murdoch.

(Psych. The royals actually can't do that anymore.)

This is a nominee for Meanest story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee:
Willie Prison shocker!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

The low rent Examiner tells a true story this week, also reported by reputable news agencies, that Willie Nelson faces jail time because as they put it, "Judge throws the book at country star".

Here are the details, found online. Willie smokes the herb. We already knew that. He got caught smoking and was put on trial. He's an old guy, and a famous one to boot, so the trial judge said that instead of jail time, Willie could come by the court house and sing Blue Eyes Cryin' In The Rain. ANOTHER butt-inski judge hears about this, says it isn't fair because other people caught smoking herb aren't given this option and, just to be fair, gives the 78 year old singer two years in jail.

You know, just to be fair. Because if we don't apply our stupid draconian laws fairly, people will stop having respect for them.

Through no fault of the low rent Examiner, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Love Bird Alert™:
Elin Nordegren dating again!

Publication: People
Date: 1 August 2011

The gossip rags have pretty much forgotten about Tiger Woods, but here's People (of all people) letting us know that Elin Nordegren has decided she doesn't have to enter a convent just because she found out she married a man slut.

Good for her and better luck this time, hon.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week:
R.I.P. Betty Ford

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! While People did a respectful cover story on Betty Ford last week, the low rent Examiner follows suit a week later. The headline reads "Courageous First Lady at Peace", and I have a hard time disagreeing with that.

I still count the low rent Examiner as one of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, but to quote They Might Be Giants, I can declare them The Nicest Of The Damned.

Annoying label bookkeeping for J. Lo's divorce.

On the rocks alert:
The J. Lo - Marc Anthony break-up takes center stage.

Publications: People, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Star, Us Weekly, National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Easily the biggest story of the week is the divorce of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony with mentions on seven of ten supermarket rag covers. Here are the headlines.
  • People: : J. Lo and Marc Anthony: Their marriage explodes
    The real story
    Their constant fighting
    rumors of infidelity
    jealousy issues
    what's next?
  • OK!: J Lo's divorce shocker!
    Marc's been seeing his sexy ex-wife!
  • In Touch: J. Lo's agony
    Marc's jealous rage
  • Star: Inside J. Lo's bitter $250 million divorce
    Sexless nights
    Other women, other men
    Final screaming match
  • Weekly Life & Style: $300 M divorce
    The cheating rumors that tore them apart
  • Us Weekly: Cheating and Lies
    Her side of the story
    Marc caught with stewardess
    Screaming fights about flirting with costars
    A secret e-mail to Ben Affleck
    His desperate need to control her
  • National Enquirer: J. Lo caught!
    Did this photo end their marriage?

Real Housewife Teresa:
"I'm terrified of being poor."

Publication: In Touch
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Real Housewife Teresa Giudice is still the focus of the women chosen from the New Jersey version, now that her husband is going to jail and she is filing for bankruptcy. Here are the headlines.
  • The truth about their shocking debt
  • Bullied by "friends" for being broke
  • Her marriage crisis: "I hope my girls never have to rely on a man."

There are also smaller pictures of 11 other housewives who are going broke. Names are not included, so I'm not sure who they are. I'm sure Karen Zipdrive could look at all the pictures and identify them, but that sounds like work and I wouldn't make her do that.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:
The wedding of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo got married in a quiet little ceremony that will be aired of TLC, a cable outfit that used to be The Learning Channel. They have since learned that dumb reality TV shows do better than actual educational stuff, so they give us this. Here are the headlines.
  • People: Nick & Vanessa's wedding photos
    (Only in People)
  • Weekly Life & Style: Nick & Vanessa's beach wedding
  • Us Weekly: Nick & Vanessa's private island Wedding
  • OK!: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married
OK! did not have any cover art, which is an odd decision because they are a cute couple.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Demon Drugs Alert™:
Paula Abdul's new beau busted for heroin.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 July 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Enquirer reports that Paula Abdul's new fella is a former heroin addict.

I looked online for his name. He's Jeff Bratton. He owns a record label. In my book, that makes him lower than a heroin addict, but that's just me.

OK! parties at Ciroc Cabana Club.

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Kellan Lutz! OK! boasts of "partying" at the Ciroc Cabana Club, a new hangout in the Hamptons.

I felt a little bad that I never heard of the place or the actor. This is because I am old.

Lutz has a role in the Twilight movies that requires him not to wear a shirt very much. He takes this role very seriously.

Bundle of Joy Alerts:
A boy for Kate, a girl for Victoria

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Victoria Beckham had a baby girl, named her Harper Seven. This is her fourth child.

While she and her husband David Beckham are handsome people, I never thought they were good at maths. Fortunately, the silly name is a middle name and can be kept under wraps while at school.

Kate Hudson had a baby boy. Gave him the relatively normal name of Ryder Russell.

Best wishes to all concerned.