Sunday, October 31, 2010

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Sandra and Kat fight over the kids

Publication: In Touch
Date: 8 November 2010

Last week, OK! said Kat Von D had dumped man slut Jesse James. This week, she is obviously still in his life because she is feuding with Sandra Bullock over the influence she has in the lives of the kids.

It is the mission of this blog to keep the stories told by the supermarket rags straight. As we know, the stories they tell are crooked, especially when you have so many gossips talking all at once.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Elin's final revenge on Tiger

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 8 November 2010

The Flagship keeps Elin's name in the supermarket rags yet again when it's clear she'd like to go back to being anonymous. Also, from what I know about divorced couples, there's really no such thing as "final" revenge.

Comfy Shoes Alert™:
Oprah's gay life exposed

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 November 2010

Once again, the low rent Examiner is re-cycling a story that already ran in that more prestigious Wicked Step Sister rag, the Enquirer. The proof of their gayness is a camping trip reported on two weeks ago by The Flagship, which commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive says is actually pretty good proof, and the only extra detail added is that Stedman can't stand Gayle.

Weekly World News alert:
Obama battles wild elephant in the White House!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 8 November 2010
Illustration by Rafal Hrynkiewicz

The Weekly World News goes back to their making up complete nonsense ways and has Obama battling a wild elephant loosed upon him by the Republicans.

Oh, this isn't just a tiny bit racist, is it?

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Love Bird Alert™:
Wills and Kate: Exclusive photos

Publication: OK!
Date: 8 November 2010

When I did the updates on Wills and Kate yesterday, I completely zoned and forgot to include their cover story in OK!

My only excuse is that I'm getting over a cold. The OK! headline, as usual, avoids details.



Late to the party alert:
R.I.P. Tom Bosley and Barbara Billingsley

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 October 2010

The low-rent Examiner is the only supermarket rag to comment on the passing of two TV icons, Tom Bosley and Barbara Billingsley. Bosley died on the 19th, a Tuesday, which means it makes sense that his story should be a week late.



Barbara Billingsley died on a Saturday two weeks ago, so her story could have been in the supermarket rags in the previous edition. Better late than never, I guess.

Bundle of joy alert:
Celine's miracle twins

Publication: Star
Date: 8 November 2010

Star has info about Celine's twins, allegedly from hubby Rene.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Meanest Story nominee:
Michael Douglas has three months to live

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 8 November 2010

Previously, the Globe said this would be Michael Douglas' last Thanksgiving, which put him on the Expiration Date list. Now, the Enquirer gives him three months to live, which moves the time table up. The Star, Globe and Enquirer have been taking turns beating up on Michael and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones, who is said to be keeping secrets from him in this headline.

Best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.



Meanest Story nominee:
Liza Minnelli fights for life

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 November 2010

Liza Minnelli makes her first appearance in the supermarket rags this year with a Brave Last Days alert. On the website, the Globe says she has problems with her lungs and friends are afraid she is working herself to death. The use of the magic word "death" makes this a Brave Last Days alert.

Best wishes to the friends and family of Liza Minnelli, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:
Kirk Douglas collapses at Michael's bad news

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 November 2010

This week's Meanest Story contest is all about Brave Last Days alert. Technically, the Globe does not say Kirk Douglas is dying on the cover of their magazine, but they do say it on the front page of their website, so that counts.

Best wishes to Kirk Douglas, his friends and family, from a fan.

Love Bird Alert™:
Wills and Kate, closer than ever

Publication: People
Date: 8 November 2010

People has the young royal couple on the cover this week, saying they are closer than ever. They attended the wedding of a friend together, and the sub-headline speculates there may be a summer wedding. Because of the question mark, I will not put a Bell Are Ringing Alert on this story.


Love Bird Alert™:
Wills and Kate's love nest

Publication: Star
Date: 8 November 2010

The young royal couple is back in the gossip headlines this week twice. The Star is saying they are already co-habitating without the nicety of a marriage license.

Such an example!



Thursday, October 28, 2010

Breaking news:
James MacArthur dead at 72


James MacArthur, best known for his role as Dan-O on Hawaii 5-0, has died at the age of 72 of natural causes. In this day and age, that's way too young.

He was the adopted son of Charles MacArthur and Helen Hayes. His godmother was Lilian Gish. He caught the acting bug and made it to Broadway. He did several roles for Disney and guest shots on TV before catching his big break on Hawaii 5-0.

Best wishes to his family and friends.



Breaking news:
Mariah Carey confirms pregnancy on Today Show


On the Today Show this morning, Mariah Carey confirmed the rumors of pregnancy, saying the baby was due in the spring. Rumors have been swirling since last spring, but subtracting nine months, we will say the confirmed rumors started in June.

Best wishes to Mariah, Nick and their little bundle of joy.

Love Bird Alert™:
Kim Kardashian and John Mayer

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 8 November 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kim Kardashian is apparently having auditions for the position of boyfriend, out on the town and kicking the tires, so to speak. Several gossip sources in print and on the Internets say she was seen with mouthy man slut John Mayer. This would be easier to believe if there was actually a picture of them together in the same frame, but if that picture exists, nobody has told Google yet.

Love Bird Alert™:
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

Publication: OK!
Date: 8 November 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! OK! has a headline of "Wedding Fever!" over a column of pictures. The top picture is of a couple getting married, the second picture is a couple we fully expect to get married, and the third picture is of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, with the sub caption "More Than Friends".

Kim is romantically linked to two different guys on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week. I don't think Kanye dresses well enough to hang with Kim, but at least there is actually a picture of them together that can be found somewhere on the Internet.

On the rocks alert:
Kourtney breaks free with a revenge romance

Publication: In Touch
Date: 8 November 2010

The Star says Kourtney and Scott eloped, In Touch says she finally dumped him, with help from the family. She's now dating some Miami runway model and they have great chemistry.

Only one thing is certain. When two gossip rags point in completely different directions, the story is nowhere near over. Of course, that's no surprise here, since tabloid publicity is like oxygen to the Kardashian girls, and the tabloids love to tell their story.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert?
Kourtney and Scott elope!

Publication: Star
Date: 8 November 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! It's a Kardashian rich environment this week and there's a story for every taste. In the Star, those star-crossed lovers Kourtney and Scott have tied the knot, against the family wishes. There is no pre-nuptial agreement, there's another baby on the way and the Star knows the secret of why she just can't leave him.

I hope to Krishna it isn't that outfit he's wearing. That would be truly terrifying.



Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Jet ski mystery
Woman claims husband killed by lake pirates

Publication: People
Date: 1 November 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Last trash of the week... right now!

A woman claims her husband was killed by pirates while jet-skiing on Falcon Lake near the Texas-Mexico border. People put her story on the front cover this week.

JonBenet's brother meets leads police to the murder weapon.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 November 2010

Yet another Jonbenet Ramsey story this week, the fourth week in a row. The big change is that this one has graduated from the Globe to the Enquirer, which means someone in the AMI kennel thinks this story is better sourced and more likely to be true.

Recall that "more likely to be true" is not the same as "true".

For the family's sake and the safety of other little girls, I hope the murderer is found, but I still put no faith in the headlines in the Enquirer. They get stuff right and they also get stuff incredibly wrong.



Bells are Ringing Alert™:
A ring for Reese

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 1 November 2010

According to Us Weekly, Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth are engaged. She's head over heels in love, but if you think about it, aren't all of us head over heels when we stand up? (I never understood that saying.) Also, her kids adore him and she's ready to take this whirlwind romance to the next step less than a year after dumping Jake Gyllenhaal.

Ms. Witherspoon's spokesperson denies the engagement part.


Brave Last Days Alert and Love Bird Alert:
Michael Douglas' parting gifts for Catherine Zeta-Jones

Publication: Star
Date: 1 November 2010

The AMI kennel is still trying to kill Michael Douglas off. This week in the Star, Michael Douglas is giving Catherine Zeta-Jones good-bye presents of a new house and a new child.

Best wishes to Mr. Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.



Skeeter Davis Alert™:
U.S. schools to close on Muslim holidays!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 November 2010

You might think that schools in the United States being closed for Islamic holy days is not exactly the End of the World, but obviously you haven't been attending many Tea Party events.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Breaking news:
Charlie Sheen found naked and drunk in a New York hotel room

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 26 October 2010

Charlie Sheen was briefly hospitalized after being found drunk and naked in a New York hotel room.

You may ask, if you can't be drunk and naked in a hotel room, what are you paying for? Apparently, his companion at the time called to complain that he was yelling and breaking furniture.

And, oh yes, he was paying his companion by the hour.

And his companion met Denise Richards earlier in the evening.

The cops were called but no arrests were made.

News breaking on a Tuesday is hard to slip in under the deadline, so we can't be sure if any of the supermarket rags will have it on the cover this week, but I am unofficially going to give Charlie Sheen the title of Craziest Motherfucker in Show Business 2010. If Mel Gibson has any more shenanigans between now and New Year's, he might be able to snatch the title away, but let's be honest. Mel threatens people with words, Charlie prefers knives and furniture.

The bar has been set very high.



Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:
Best and worst beach bodies

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 November 2010

The end of October seems a strange time to put a beach body issue on the stands, but far be it from me to tell the National Enquirer how to run their business. They have women looking good and bad, some with faces blocked out. I refuse to play the "guess who?" stuff. Here are the women whose names are on the cover.

Not looking good according to the Flagship: Uma Thurman has a belly, Whitney Houston is a mess.
Looking good according to the Flagship: Ivana Trump, who looks okay, and Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife Beth, who has truly obnoxiously large breasts. I link to a picture of her not in swimwear. You can thank me later.



Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Never call me fat again

Publication: OK!
Date: 1 November 2010

OK! put some winners in the weight wars on the front cover this week.

Jennifer Love Hewitt had some cellulite in bikini pictures a few years ago. She says it's gone now.


Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson has gone from a size 16 to a size 4.

Jerry Lewis booted from telethon

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 November 2010

The Globe says Jerry Lewis is being kicked off the Jerry Lewis telethon and his friends fear for the heartbroken legend.

Other news sources says the schedule is being reduced from 21 hours 30 minutes to 6 hours.

The show has been on the air since I was a pup and if I ever watched it for more than five seconds at a stretch, I've blanked that part of my life out of my memory.



Mark Harmon and Michael Weatherly leaving NCIS

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 November 2010

The low rent Examiner says Michael Weatherly and Mark Harmon, the stars of the TV show NCIS, are both leaving. If you follow the show, this is kind of old news, as the stories of the contract dispute have been online since April.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Why Joan Collins hates Jennifer Aniston

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 November 2010

The Globe is not the place to look for Jennifer Aniston gossip, but this is really Joan Collins gossip, which is to say Hey Old Timer gossip. Someone was interviewing Ms. Collins recently, don't ask me why, and with her usual bitchiness, she said the only beautiful movie star today is Angelina Jolie, and that Jennifer Aniston is cute but not beautiful.

Where to begin?

  1. Movie stars Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, Jessica Alba and others would be surprised to find out they are not beautiful.
  2. Joan, honey, you weren't really a movie star. Your name didn't sell tickets. You did a lot better on TV where people could see you for free.
  3. Joan Collins' nickname back in the day was The British Open, so even before she was on TV, she was already familiar with the concept of people seeing her for free.
  4. While Jennifer Aniston does not get glammed up for every role she plays, she does look really good nekkid now when she is over 40, which is more than can be said for you.

Christina Aguilera secret lovers

Publication: Star
Date: 1 November 2010

Star magazine thinks the public wants to know more about the Christina Aguilera break-up, so they put on the cover that she had secret lovers. Online sources say those lovers were female, though the Star did not mention this up front.



What's wrong with Dolly's hands?

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 November 2010

This is the third story about Dolly Parton this year in the tabloids, all the stories in the Examiner or the Globe, the two rags that specialize in Hey Old Timer Gossip. They don't like her much.


The rabbit says how I feel about speaking ill of Dolly Parton.

On the rocks alert:
Kendra moving out

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 1 November 2010

While I don't read the stories in the supermarket rags, this one sounds like a repeat of what Weekly Life & Style wrote last week. She's moving back to L.A. to film her reality TV show, he's in Minnesota with his football team.



Sunday, October 24, 2010

Breaking news:
Matt Damon's wife gives birth


Matt Damon's wife Luciana Barrosa has given birth to a daughter Stella. This is the third child the couple has had together, all girls, and Ms. Barrosa also has a daughter from a previous marriage.

It may not be quite correct to say the tabloids were scooped on this. While Matt Damon clearly counts as a movie star, the supermarket rags leave him completely alone, probably because he's happily married and his wife isn't famous.

Taylor Swift dishes in People.

Publication: People
Date: 1 November 2010

Back in the spring, there were a few stories talking about Taylor Swift's love life, but since then the supermarket rags have left her alone. In an interview in People, the young country music star talks about ex-boyfriends Joe Jonas, hunky werewolf Taylor Lautner and mouthy man slut John Mayer. Stories earlier linked her to Cory Monteith from Glee, but he isn't mentioned on the cover, probably because she was photographed with him but they never actually dated. Commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive has a special talent called gay-dar and she says the bells go off when she looks at pictures of young Mr. Monteith.


Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Janet Jackson says Oprah Winfrey is a fraud!

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 November 2010

If we are to believe the Globe, and that is a questionable proposition at best, Janet Jackson is angry with Oprah Winfrey for betraying the memory of her late brother Michael.

This is the 27th story about Oprah Winfrey this year in the supermarket rags, one in OK! and all the rest in the magazines in the AMI kennel. The editors at the Enquirer, Globe, Star, Examiner and Sun pretty much hate her.

Sandra Bullock vacation photos

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 1 November 2010

The tabloids gave Sandra Bullock the week off last week, so there are two stories about her this week. One was really about Jesse James getting dumped, so Sandy was only involved peripherally, and this one is about a vacation she took with young Louis.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Payback for Sandra as Jesse gets dumped!

Publication: OK!
Date: 1 November 2010

In gossip world, no one lives their own life, but instead gains comfort from the misfortune of those who have wronged them in the past. OK! says Jesse James got dumped, I assume by Kat Von D., the much tattooed young woman he was dating, and this is a source of satisfaction for Sandra Bullock, who was not involved in that relationship in any way.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Breaking news:
Celine Dion gives birth to twin boys prematurely


Celine Dion gave birth to twin boys this afternoon. The singer was in the 35th week of pregnancy, so the births are officially considered premature. The boys weighed 5 lbs. 4 oz. and 5 lbs. 10 oz.

Mother and children are said to be resting comfortably.



Love Bird Alert™:
Courteney Cox and David Arquette back together

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 1 November 2010

It's a good sign that a story isn't played out yet when the supermarket rags can't keep the story straight. Last week, there were a record seven covers telling us it was over and speculating about who broke the marriage vows first. Now we get these headlines.

In Touch: Courteney's ring back on
Weekly Life & Style: Inside David and Courteney's reunion

Most of the other stories that fascinated the supermarket rags earlier in the year are pretty much played out. These two may be the new go-to couple for the gossip mags this fall.

Spinster Alert:
Kim Kardashian's 30th birthday parties

Publications: People, In Touch
Date: 1 November 2010

So Kim Kardashian had multiple birthday parties, a strange ritual for someone who dreads getting older. Here are the headlines from the two supermarket rags that covered the get-togethers.

People: Kim's 30... Inside her B-Day parties
In Touch: Kim ditched at birthday party



Friday, October 22, 2010

Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Beyoncé's surprise pregnancy

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 1 November 2010

As gossip news goes, the front page report in Us Weekly that Beyoncé Knowles was pregnant was the big story of the week. I looked around the Internet and it was on all the websites that care about this stuff. I also saw a denial from Beyoncé's mom, and Beyoncé is the kind of sweet kid who would tell her mom, so this is yet another false alarm, like the one in mediatakeout.com back in the spring.

I don't cover the hip-hop magazines, but they are just as much about gossip as the supermarket rags. One reason the singer/actress/low flying angel is still without child is that her husband Jay-Z is too busy have a feud with Hammer.

Yes, that Hammer! MC Hammer! Former ball boy for the Oakland A's! That guy.

Apparently, Jay-Z has 99 problems and being a jackass is at least 17 of them.



Surprisingly sane headline of the week:
What Michelle really thinks about being first lady.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 1 November 2010

That Michelle Obama would be on the cover of a tabloid isn't surprising. This will be the 15th appearance of the First Lady this year on the tabloid covers, tying her with Camilla Parker-Bowles. As with Camilla, almost all the stories are from the rags in the AMI kennel, the Enquirer, Globe, Examiner, Star and the Sun.

What is surprising is that this one is from the Weekly World News, the slightly crazier black and white insert in the also crazy but in color Sun.

The Weekly World News is supposed to be about UFOs and dead celebrities coming back to life. Last June, they had a two-headed Bigfoot shot on the White House lawn.

Now, if they can get Michelle Obama to go on the record about how she felt when the two-headed Bigfoot was shot, that would be worth a headline!



Tell All Book Alert!
Obama's father was murdered!

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 November 2010

According to the Globe, Obama's sister is bringing out a book that will prove Obama's father did not die in an accident, but instead was... murdered!

I'm guessing it was Saul Alinsky or ACORN or William Ayers.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Obama-Clinton war explodes!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 November 2010

As tabloid fodder, Barack Obama is now tied with Tiger Woods and Oprah Winfrey this year. The low-rent Examiner tells us that the Obama family and the Clinton family are at loggerheads over Hillary's ambitions. The headlines read:

"Obama: Hillary's running!"

"Michelle: And Bill's behind it!"

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Meanest Story nominee:
Chilean miner cannibalism cover-up!

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 November 2010

Are there people who actually want to think the worst of the trapped miners in Chile and the people who rescued them? The editors over at the Globe think that there are such people, and they call those people "subscribers".

According to the never reliable rag, there was cannibalism in the Chilean mine and it's being covered up!

Stay classy, Globe!

Meanest Story nominee:
Michael Douglas feeding tube nightmare

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 November 2010

You might say that right thinking people are hoping for the best for Michael Douglas in his struggle against cancer, but obviously, editors at American Media, Inc. do not count as right thinking people. The story this week is that he weighs 145 lbs., had some sort of feeding tube nightmare and Catherine Zeta-Jones had a breakdown.

Stay classy, Flagship!