Thursday, September 30, 2010

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha?
Eddie Fisher's deathbed call to Liz

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 October 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

When a celebrity dies and he or she was never mentioned in the tabloids this year, I have to use my best judgment as to whether the tabloids will even care. I was sure they would care about Eddie Fisher because he was such a staple of the tabloids about fifty years ago, and the Globe proved me correct by having this story on their front page. They say he called Liz on his deathbed. They do not say if she took the call or not.

Looking at this picture, I think it's pretty obvious he was out of his league with Liz and if Richard Burton hadn't shown up, somebody else would have done just fine as far as she was concerned.

Weekly World News alert:
UFO sends NASA a 911 call from the moon!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 11 October 2010

I haven't been in love with the Weekly World News recently. They fancy the World's Fattest Dog and World's Fattest Cat a lot more than I do. But this week, they have a story worth reporting. Aliens have an out of service UFO on the moon and they have called NASA with hopes they can help fix it.

I hate to be the one to break the bad news to them.

Completely Vague Title Alert:
Kendra's Family Drama

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 October 2010

In the beginning of the year, Kendra Wilkinson was a star of the supermarket rags. This is the first story about her since early July. The third season of her reality show is in production, so she might get more stories in the near future. Personally, I do not care one way or the other.

He fought the Law alert:
Natalee's killer escapes! (Not really.)

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 11 October 2010

Yet again, the Enquirer headline writers take a grain of truth and turn it into a dust storm of lies. The headline says that Joran Van Der Sloot escaped from prison, when the story inside says he tried to escape and failed.

Remember that with Al Gore and John Edwards, the Enquirer headline writers were certain they were going to jail. They also had Rush Limbaugh heading for the hoosegow back during his during his drug buying jamboree. Now, they have someone escaping jail instead, but in point of fact, all these stories were massive exaggerations.

Which is to say, lies, lies, lies, lies.

Breaking news:
Tony Curtis dead at 85

Publication: New York Times
Date: 30 September 2010

Not one day after I post a review saying that the tabloids suck at predicting who will die, they get their fourth correct prediction of the year. Tony Curtis, the Oscar nominated actor whose greatest popularity came in light comedy, has died at the age of 85 of cardiac arrest in his Las Vegas home. The Globe printed a story about his health woes in late July.

My favorite role of his is in Sweet Smell of Success with Burt Lancaster. He was also very good in Some Like It Hot and Spartacus. He was married to Janet Leigh and Jamie Lee Curtis is his daughter so, good on ya, Tony.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Tony Curtis, from a fan.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Nine month review: Birth and death announcements.

Here's the long and short of it. Tabloids suck at predicting stuff and they shine at making stuff up.

Death predictions

I would like to say here for the record that deaths do not come in threes. This is a complete myth. How do you count them? How long a period of time should we count? It's nonsense, but people still believe it.

I say this now because of all the 56 people the supermarket rags have predicted would be dead and right soon this year, exactly three have died as of late October.

Gary Coleman, Dennis Hopper and Rue McLanahan.

And they all died within a week of each other.

Did I say death does not come in threes? I still stand by every word.

Instead of listing all 53 people who are still alive, let me list the people added to the list in the past three months, all of whom are still alive, and put them in useful categories that explain why they were marked for death by the tabs, mostly by the Three Wicked Step Sisters, the Globe, Enquirer and Examiner.

You are sick and old and you are going to die: Annette Funicello, Bob Barker, Jerry Lee Lewis, Joanne Woodward, Robert Schuller, Tony Curtis, Wayne Newton, Zsa Zsa Gabor

You are old and you are going to die: Betty White, George H.W. Bush

We just don't like you and we wish you would die: Angelina Jolie, Frank Sinatra's grandson (suicide attempt), Heidi Montag, Lindsay Lohan, Lisa Marie Presley, Mel Gibson, Pamela Anderson, Paula Abdul

Again, let me say the tabloids suck at prediction, but prediction is hard. Zsa Zsa Gabor is 93, was found in a pool of blood after falling because her hip broke, was taken to the hospital, there was nothing they could do so she went home to die in the comfort of her own home and SHE IS STILL ALIVE nine weeks later.

Prediction? Hard? Yes. Harder still when you just make stuff up.

Pregnancy predictions

It should be easier to get pregnancy news right than to predict deaths, but the supermarket rags suck at this, too, because they love to speculate. Here are the new women put on the preggers list.

Carrie Underwood, Chelsea Clinton, Ellen Degeneres, Kate Middleton, Kourtney Kardashian, Melissa Smith (skanky ho linked to Jesse James YEARS ago)

Not one of these is confirmed. They just make stuff up.

Nine month review: Rundown on The Only Ten Magazines That Matter

Here is a quick overview of the performance of the ten American supermarket rags over the first nine months of 2010, ranked from the lowest percentage of positive stories to the highest.

The Three Wicked Step Sisters

Globe 11.6% positive stories
Biggest success: Keeping the Olivia de Havilland-Joan Fontaine feud alive
Biggest failure: the constant predictions of the divorce of George W. and Laura Bush

National Enquirer 11.9% positive stories
Biggest success: Warning about the seriousness of Gary Coleman's condition four months before he died
Biggest failure: Weeks of warnings that Al Gore was going to jail based on a witness both the police and real journalists found completely unreliable

National Examiner 12.2% positive stories
Biggest success: Giving Willie Nelson positive press for Habitat for Horses
Biggest failure: The unchecked habit of corpse kicking. Prime example: June Allyson slept with two presidents. Do we believe this and would we care if we did believe it?

The three next meanest rags

Star 25.6% positive stories
Biggest success: Breaking the news that Kelly Preston is pregnant
Biggest failure: Falsely claiming Kelly Preston is pregnant with twins
Biggest current gamble: The Ashton Kutcher cheating stories

Sun 28.1% positive stories
Biggest "success": A "top psychic" predicting Oprah will be the next president
Biggest failure: multiple incorrect predictions about the end of the world

In Touch 28.6% positive stories
Biggest success: First with the story about Jesse James being a man slut
Biggest failure: Wrong over and over again about Sandy staying with Jesse

The relatively nice rags

Us Weekly 43.0% positive stories
Biggest recent success: An exclusive on Christina Applegate's pregnancy after breast cancer
Biggest failure: Getting fooled by Liz Taylor

Weekly Life and Style 48.7% positive stories
Biggest success: Exclusive Alicia Keys' stories
Biggest failure: Implying Katie Holmes was pregnant when she was just playing a pregnant Jackie Kennedy

The Gold Standard

People 61.5% positive stories
Biggest success: Sandy and Louis Bardo Bullock on the cover, biggest gossip win of the year if not the century. The exclusive interview with Michael Douglas is likely the second biggest scoop of the year.
Biggest failure: Reporting that Jennifer Lopez would NOT be a judge on American False Idol in their online edition

Pollyanna gossip

OK! 71.4% positive stories
Biggest success: A story in late June with the headline "Elin's life without Tiger" days before the divorce was made public.
Biggest failure: The cover story that read YES! I'M HAVING A BABY as though it was a quote from Jennifer Aniston, who didn't have a single quote in the made up story inside. Also in the running, a story about a double wedding for Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears.

Nine month review: Top Ten most popular celebrities

Here are the top ten celebrities in terms of cover stories in the first nine months of 2010.

1. Sandra Bullock: Still in the lead but the story is slowing down.

2. Jennifer Aniston: She used to be a supporting player in the BrAngelina circus, but now she gets mentioned all the time for hotness and her love life, which seems to be going nowhere fast. She had two movies released this year, so some of her popularity comes from Planted Crap to sell movie tickets.

3. BrAngelina: They are only in third because I count them as a couple and as separate entities. If I always counted them as separate people, Angie would be first and Brad would be second of all celebrities.

4-5. Jesse James
4-5. Kim Kardashian

Jesse was alone in 4th place and Kim was tied for 5-7th six months ago. She looks set to breeze past him as does her sister Kourtney.

6. Kourtney Kardashian
7. Scott Disick
At the end of the six month review, I put together a list of the people who could break into the Top Ten. Scott wasn't in the Top Ten then and I failed to list him.


8-10. Angelina Jolie as a solo
8-10. Kate Gosselin.
8-10. Tiger Woods.

I listed these three in alphabetical order by first name, but it's also listed in terms of tabloid interest over the past three months. Angie keeps going and going, interest in Kate goes in stops and starts and the Tiger Woods story is losing steam until further details emerge after the divorce.

Knocking on the door: At the nine month mark, there are a few people just outside the Top Ten that are still hated by the Three Wicked Step Sisters. I expect them to pass Tiger Woods soon, but time will tell if they will be in the Top Ten at the end of the year. Events can change everything, of course. Nobody said peep about Sandra Bullock and Jesse James in the first three months of the year and they are currently in first and fourth place.

Oprah Winfrey
Barack Hussein Adolf Obama

As for stories currently trending, right now there are three celebrities who could get hot soon, though they are currently far back in the pack.

Lindsay Lohan
Ashton Kutcher
Demi Moore

There will be another series of updates of this type at the end of December.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lindsay Lohan's apology was fake!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 October 2010

Clearing the decks of dish this week so I can start the three month review tomorrow, the last trash of the week is that Lindsay Lohan's apology was fake! To whom she apologized and what she was apologizing for, I have no idea, but Us Weekly tells us we can't believe a word she says.


Glee's dirty secrets!

Publication: Star
Date: 4 October 2010

The supermarket rags love Glee so much, you'd think it was a reality show. It's back on the air after the summer hiatus and Star wants you to know the secrets. Specifically, they want you to know who's hooking up, who's wasting away and who wants to quit.

To get the answers to these questions, I would actually have to open the magazine, and longtime readers know how assiduously I try to avoid that.

On the Rocks Alert:
Michelle Obama's tearful collapse

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 October 2010

According to the Flagship, Michelle completely lost it and threatened to divorce Barack.

The Three Wicked Step Sisters love to tell us political couples are near divorce, regardless of party affiliation. They were right about John Edwards, they completely missed that Al Gore and Tipper were going to divorce, and they have been wrong about the Clintons, the Bushes, the Palins and the Obamas on a regular basis. They may get one of these right, but it will be more like the unturned calendar being right once a year rather than actual quality reporting and editing.

On the Rocks Alert:
J. Lo and Marc Anthony fight over American False Idol

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 October 2010

The last word I put up on this blog was that Jennifer Lopez would not be a judge on the next season of American False Idol, but as of late September, it's her and Steven Tyler as the new judges replacing Ellen De Generes and Simon Cowell. Weekly Life & Style says her husband Marc Anthony is none too pleased with this. Of course, J. Lo is a good Catholic wife and will obey the wishes of her husband in this as in all things.

Just playing with ya. She's a drama queen and she'll do what she wants and little Marc Anthony has two options. Like it or lump it.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Formerly fat celebrities keep the weight off

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 October 2010

Kelly Osborne got some positive mentions in the supermarket rags for losing weight, and now they also give her kudos for her "secrets" for keeping the weight off.

Here's a "secret". Remember how much you used to eat? You can't eat that much anymore, no matter how much you might want to.

Us Weekly also includes a picture of Jennifer Hudson on the cover, another celebrity who lost a lot of weight and has kept it off so far.

On the Rocks Alert:
Randy Travis caught cheating, $50 million divorce battle

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 October 2010

This is the first mention of country star Randy Travis in the supermarket tabs this year, and it's the low rent Examiner that says he's a low down cheater. Next up is a divorce battle for his substantial $50 million fortune.

The Examiner also said this week that Sarah and Todd Palin were going to split $20 million. Obviously, they aren't as talented as Randy.

Brave Last Days Alert:
Bob Barker

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 October 2010

The Globe would lead us to believe that Bob Barker's recent health problems are much worse than we have been lead to believe.

This brings the total number of people the supermarket rags have said are close to death in 2010 to 56. As of late September, only three of these people have died, Gary Coleman, Dennis Hopper and Rue McLanahan.

I'm not a huge fan of Bob Barker, but his fight scene in Happy Gilmore is high-larious.

Best wishes to Mr. Barker, his friends and family.

Leaving the Love Boat™:
George Lopez and his wife Ann are divorcing

Publication: Huffington Post
Date: 28 September 2010

George Lopez and his wife of of 17 years Ann are getting a divorce. The most remarkable aspect of their marriage is that she gave him a kidney a few years back when he had a life threatening illness. This year, he made one appearance on the covers of the supermarket rags when the Enquirer stated he had sex with a hooker. So the tabloids did give us some warning, but they talk trash about a lot of people whose marriages don't break up as well.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Jessica Simpson's best friend break-up

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 October 2010

Not a lot of information here. Jessica Simpson has broken up with her best friend, but no information as to who that mystery person is or what the spat was about.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Kelly Preston says "We're so excited!"

Publication: People
Date: 4 October 2010

While the Enquirer is talking hearsay trash about John Travolta, People is doing what they do best, getting celebrities to talk on the record about their lives. Kelly Preston is waiting with excitement for the happy day.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:
Cher's secret wedding

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 October 2010

The Globe wins the Hey Old Timer Gossip with the Examiner this week by a bunch. More than that, they even have a nice story about someone who was famous before I graduated high school, which is really rare.

The new fella's name is Ron Zimmerman, a comedy writer in his fifties, so he's a little younger than her but still age appropriate. There are plenty of sources that say they are dating, but only the Globe says they are already married. I can find no confirmation or denial online.

Skeeter Davis Alert™:
Armageddon 2010

Publication: Sun
Date: 4 October 2010

The Sun knows what this blog wants. The End of the World with specific dates!

Okay, buddy. Armageddon good enough for ya? 2010 specific enough?

Yes and yes. Thanks very much.

They add the extra detail that John the Baptist's bones were found in a monastery and the curse that killed him is back.

As I recall my Bible stories, John the Baptist was beheaded, which doesn't exactly sound like a curse to me. But if there's a rash of unkempt crazy people found with their heads chopped off, remember, you heard it here first.

Hussy alert:
Kate Gosselin stealing a married man!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 October 2010

As usual, I only read the headlines of the supermarket rags and sometimes go to the front page of their websites. Using those two sources, I can't be sure what married man Kate Gosselin is stealing, but I expect it's the bodyguard all the gossips have been clicking their tongues about for the past few weeks.

Svengali Alert:
Scott brainwashing Kourtney

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 October 2010

I just know what I read in the supermarket rags, but it seems obvious people are mystified by why Scott and Kourtney are still together. Commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive says Kourtney is a classic co-dependent enabler, but it's more exciting if we say Scott is brainwashing her, trying to control her millions?

That's the take we get from the cover of In Touch this week.

On the Rocks Alert:
Kim Kardashian and Miles Austin break up, second pass.

Publication: OK!
Date: 4 October 2010

Does this story seem familiar? Well, it is, because Weekly Life & Style covered it in the middle of August. The carrier pigeons that get the news to OK! must be on strike.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

On the Rocks Alert:
David Beckham caught cheating

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 October 2010

David Beckham, the aging British football star who looks like a somewhat younger version of Sting, has had his name bandied about for a while as part of a sex scandal. In Touch has decided Americans are going to care about this story, so they print a bunch of details, including unsafe sex threesomes, a picture of a busty hooker who charges $10,000 a night and a quote from the young lady where she says she understands how he would be unhappy, a shot at Beckham's dull and way too skinny wife Victoria, who used to be Posh Spice back when anyone gave a rat's ass about her career.

The Beckhams aren't just denying the story, they are suing. The thing is, libel laws are different in the U.S. and it's harder to win than it is in the U.K. I can't be sure if anyone explained this to Becks and Posh, and even if someone did, no one can be sure they understood the explanation. Not the brightest bulbs on the tree, that pair.

Love Bird Alert™:
Jen's back with John Mayer

Publication: OK!
Date: 4 October 2010

OK! magazine wants Jennifer Aniston to find true love more than Polly wants a cracker. The story this week is that Jen is back with mouthy man slut John Mayer, he of the very large head. This story started in the Star last month, was picked up by In Touch last week and now shows up in OK! The new details are:

  • Her friends hate him
  • They are ready to start a family
  • They spent a romantic night together at the Ritz
The only problem with this story is that both John's and Jen's publicists deny it completely. It should be noted that the big current cheating scandal, the one with Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, follows a similar pattern of publication. It was started in the Star and other supermarket rags picked it up.

Angelina forcing tomboy stuff on unwitting Shiloh

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 October 2010

Yet another story about Shiloh Jolie-Pitt and her tomboy ways. This one says it's all Angelina's fault and that Shiloh would have no interest in it except for Angie's evil manipulations.

We've heard this take before. My guess is this comes from Brad's family, who hate Angelina with a white hot hate.

Angelina's $20 million tell-all book

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 October 2010

I made a new label this morning for "Tell All Books". The supermarket rags love quoting from Tell All Books. The latest example is a $20 million tell all book about Angelina Jolie, generously quoted by The Flagship. Among the details on the cover are:

  • Why she used heroin
  • What she told Brad about lesbian lovers
  • The truth about mental illness
  • Why it will devastate Jennifer Aniston
I do not know from reading the cover whether this is a brand new tell all book or the same one Star quoted from back in June.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

On the Rocks Alert:
Three more stories about Ashton and Demi

Publications: People, Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 October 2010

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore look to be the new couple in trouble the supermarket rags are going to put under the microscope. People has now weighed in, and on the cover, they don't say it's all nonsense.

Star magazine was the first to report, and now they says they have Ashton's texts to the young woman he is cheating with.

Weekly Life & Style says they are hanging by a thread.

People focuses on Demi. They bring up that he is 32 and she is 47, that he has been accused of cheating and she is tweeting pictures of herself in a bikini. The last line of their sub-head is "Can this five-year union stand the strain?

Only one thing is certain. The story isn't over.

Breaking news:
Lindsay Lohan released from jail

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 25 September 2010

Well, that was fast. Some judge gets his or her panties in a twist and throws some starlet in the can. (It's almost never a guy anymore.) Then some lawyer finds some other judge who isn't full of umbrage and the starlet is back on the streets.

Lindsay Lohan didn't see even twenty four hours of incarceration for her latest transgression, but there is another hearing on October 22.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Havilland STILL hate each other!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 October 2010

I usually don't trust the Globe as far as I can throw it, but I actually love this story not because it's news, but because it's true and it told me some stuff I didn't know.

Here's what I knew. Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine were sisters and Oscar winners way back when. Joan won her Oscar before my mom turned ten years old and... my mom's dead. That's a long time ago.

The other important tidbit is Olivia and Joan hated each other's guts. So far, so good.

Did you know they were both still alive? Olivia is 94 and Joan is 92 and... wait for it...


It doesn't seem particularly mature, but you have to admire that level of... stick-to-it-iveness.

Fun facts to know and tell on a Friday evening.

She Fought The Law Alert™:
Lindsay Lohan back to jail

Date: 24 September 2010

The supermarket rags don't care that much, but if Lindsay Lohan didn't exist, online gossip site would have to invent her. She admits she did drugs she wasn't supposed to and the judge threw her narrow ass in county quicker than you can say, "C'mon, just one line of blow. Who's gonna know?"

Her lawyer has appealed the denial of bail, but if that doesn't work, she will be enjoying the largesse of the county until Oct. 22, the date of her next hearing.

Breaking news:
Eddie Fisher dead at 82

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 24 September 2010

Eddie Fisher, the singer who married Debbie Reynolds then dumped her for Elizabeth Taylor who dumped him in return, has died at the age of 82. He is survived by several ex-wives and four children, most of whom hated his guts.

While is isn't a big star that young people will remember, he is exactly the right type of performer for the demographic of the Wicked Step Sister tabloids, where the vast majority of Brave Last Days alerts are found.

Meanest Story nominee:
Bill Clinton fights for life

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 October 2010

We've heard this story before from the Three Wicked Step Sisters. Bill Clinton is in very bad shape. This is the fifth death watch article this year for The Big Dog, all of them since his hospitalization back in February. The details this time are that Chelsea fears for the worst and Hillary is going to quit her job to take care of him. A supposed quote from Bill is "I don't know how much longer I can go on."

And so this gets a nod in the Meanest Story of the Week contest.

Meanest story nominee:
John Travolta's six secret lovers

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 October 2010

It's not a secret. The Enquirer flat out hates John Travolta. It's probably an anti-Scientology thing, but it's no excuse for the viciousness of the stories. They had a headline in July about a miscarriage drama for Kelly Preston that doesn't seem to have had any basis in fact, and now that she is nearly due, they print a story that her husband has six secret lovers.

Can you hate both Scientology and the National Enquirer? Yes, you can and I'm living proof.

Meanest Story nominee:
Betty White working herself to death

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 October 2010

This week, two of the three stories in competition for meanest story of the week and Brave Last Days alerts. Betty White is on a sitcom at the age of 88. A sitcom can be a lot of work, but I expect Miss White has some idea of her own limits and this blog will always wish her the best.

People who say bad things about Miss White get a visit from the disapproving rabbit.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

On the Rocks Alert:
Sarah and Todd's $20 million divorce deal

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 October 2010

A lot of the profiles about Sarah Palin make it sound like Todd is as close a personal and political confidant as she has. According to the low rent Examiner, success has made a failure of their home, as Miss Loretta Lynn has famously sung.

Also, the Examiner has a funny idea how divorce works. They have a divorce deal, but he's going to stay, despite daily screaming matches, sleeping in separate bedrooms and her violent temper.

Todd, buddy! I don't know how things work up in America's Socialist Ice Box, but down here in the Lower 48, a divorce means you split the property and you get to leave the bitch.

Think it over. It sounds like a win-win situation.

Deboobening Alert™:
Bristol Palin's boob job

Publication: Star
Date: 4 October 2010

Star puts a little twist on their Bristol Palin story this week. They have pictures of the young lady from a few years back and now, and they assume she has gone from a D-cup to a B-cup.

It may just be the before and after effects of pregnancy.

Also, showing my age. When I was a lad, magazines did not get to use the word "boob" to mean breast, but were allowed to call a stupid person a "boob". So, even back in the day, the words "boob" and "Bristol Palin" could have found themselves in the same sentence.

Dancing With the Stars update:
Bristol and her rug rat

Publications: National Enquirer, In Touch
Date: 4 October 2010

The supermarket rags are all over Dancing With The Stars, and early in the season, they can't get enough of Bristol Palin. Here are the headlines from the Enquirer and In Touch.

Enquirer: DTWS Baby Scandal
In Touch: Bristol: Diapers and dancing

I don't like to be catty about the weight of young women, but that dress does nothing for her. I'm not exactly slim and trim, but in my defense, I don't wear red off the shoulder mini-dresses either.

One should respect one's limits.

Jennifer Grey's big comeback.

Publication: People
Date: 4 October 2010

The supermarket rags loves them some Dancing With The Stars! There will be plenty more stories about the latest cast and the professional dancers on the show over the next few months, though I refuse on principle to name the guy from that ridiculous MTV reality show with the goofy nickname. Anyone else on the show is fair game.

People wants us to know that Jennifer Grey is making a big comeback. I looked on for evidence and... not so much. She does some work, but just a little. Best wishes for the future, but as LL Cool J once said, "Don't call it a comeback!"

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Bells are Ringing Alert™:
Britney Spears secretly engaged

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 27 September 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow! The last of this week's trash... right now!

According to Us Weekly, Britney Spears is secretly engaged. They don't say to whom, but the boyfriend of record is still agent Jason Trawick.

Early in the year, all the stories said she was a hot mess. Sometime this summer, the mood changed and now most of the stories are that she looks good with few clothes on and she and Jason Trawick are getting along famously.

Suri's NYC Adventure

Publication: OK!
Date: 27 September 2010

Not much to go on with the title, just a day out in the Big Apple for little Suri.

I really like this picture of her and the doggie. Don't you?

Breaking news:
Paris Hilton denied entry to Japan

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 22 September 2010

Paris Hilton is NOT a star of the supermarket gossip rags, but the online gossip sources can't get enough of her. Not that she's had yet another run-in with the law, she makes the semi-real news regularly. Japan has denied her entry to the country because of her recent cocaine arrest.

Life can be hard when you are young and stupid.

He fought the Law alert:
Natalee's killer confesses

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 September 2010

When Joran van der Sloot was arrested in Peru back in June, both the National Enquirer and People covered the story. The Enquirer made it a headline for several weeks in a row with promises that Natalee Holloway's body had been found. That has not taken place yet.

Now, the story is in the low rent Examiner, yet another example of that magazine using the hand me downs from the most important of the Three Wicked Step Sisters.

Completely Vague Title Alert:
What's wrong with Lisa Marie?

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 September 2010

All the stories about Lisa Marie Presley in the supermarket rags this have been negative and in either the Enquirer and the Globe. It's all part of their "pick on the fat girl Scientologist" strategy.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Bad Mom Alert™:
Angelina leaves her family

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 September 2010

We have yet another solo story about Angelina Jolie this week. What is the subtext?

Angelina Jolie is evil. This is always the subtext.

Bad romance alert:
Kim Kardashian dating a criminal

Publication: In Touch
Date: 27 September 2010

In Touch says Kim K. is dating a criminal. They do not give his name on the cover.

For the record, In Touch has not published one story about Kim this year that has a positive slant on it, for what it's worth.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Kim Kardashian pregnant

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 September 2010

Only two mentions of the Kardashian clan in the supermarket rags this week, both about Kim. Weekly Life & Style says Kim is pregnant. Supposedly, she bought three home kits, has cravings and sickness and a telltale bump. The story speculates that she might nave the baby alone.

This is the second time the Only Ten Magazines That Matter has told us she was pregnant. The first time, OK! also speculated that she and Reggie Bush were getting back together. That was more than three months ago and neither story had a grain of truth in it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?
David Carradine's widow thinks it was...

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 September 2010

David Carradine's wife is sure her husband was killed in that hotel room in Bangkok a year ago in June, because who can believe he was a creepy old guy who liked weird sex?

Anybody? A show of hands?

Yeah, that's what I thought, too. You can put your hands down now, but no touching yourselves! Jeez, you people are as bad as... David Carradine.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?
Ugly battle for Patrick Swayze's millions

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 Sept. 2010

This story first appeared on the cover of the Globe back in July, almost word for word. The low rent Examiner, the cheapest of the Three Wicked Step Sisters, is used to wearing hand me downs.

On the Rocks Alert:
Tipper's shocking divorce secret

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 September 2010

Two months ago, The National Enquirer said Tipper Gore's tell-all book could send Al to jail. So far, no tell-all book, no jail. Now, the low rent Examiner says she has a shocking divorce secret. She very well may have one, but I doubt she would tell anyone who would then blab it to the low rent Examiner. They would blab it to the Enquirer because they pay much better.

I could be wrong, but Tipper does seem like a tell-all book kind of gal.

On the Rocks Alert?
Obama Wedding Crisis

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 Sept. 2010

This week, the Globe goes with a story with a kernel of truth and blows it up into an entire bowl of fluffy lies. Barack Obama was seen in public not wearing his wedding ring, but the official story was it needed to be repaired. The story in the Globe is that Barack and Michelle had an enormous fight because he wants one more baby and she doesn't.