Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Best and worst beach bodies, worst omitted.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 6 September 2010

Back when this blog was in its infancy, I made decisions about what reality stars I would include in my updates and which ones I would not. I knew I couldn't avoid Kate Gosselin, who seems to be fading from the spotlight, and thought the Kardashians got so many mentions, I'd report on them until the tabloids got tired.

The tabloids show no signs of tiring. There have been over one hundred mentions of the Kardashian clan in the first thousand posts this year. Once again, the tabloids would like us to know that Kim Kardashian looks very good wearing very little clothing.

There was also a bad bikini body mentioned. It belongs to a woman from a reality show I am going to do everything in my power not to mention. Ever. I will say the show's title has two words, and if you search for either word in all my posts, you will come up blank. I will do my best to keep it that way.

You're welcome.



Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Mariah Carey's big baby news

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 September 2010

News flash! Mariah Carey is a big baby!

Actually, In Touch is printing the rumors that the diva is heavy with child, not just heavy with Li'l Debbie sponge cakes. She and Nick Cannon are still being coy about the announcement.

I decided to go with this glamor shot of Ms. Carey, but the blog has been getting a lot of hits from guys who like her looking like this instead.

UPDATE: In late October, Mariah confirmed the pregnancy rumors with a baby due in the spring.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:
Mary Tyler Moore's secret surgery

Publication: Globe
Date: 6 September 2010

With any headline on a supermarket rag, most especially the Examiner and the Globe, you have wonder what the truth is behind the story or if there is any truth at all. The Globe says the star of two of the best sitcoms ever needs surgery to save her leg. Ms. Moore is diabetic, and even when diabetics are careful with their lifestyle, they are susceptible to awful health problems.

Best wishes to Ms. Moore from a fan who was born on her birthday.



Monday, August 30, 2010

Comfy Shoes Alert™:
Demi Moore's wild romp with another woman

Publication: Globe
Date: 6 September 2010

You know what we haven't had in ever so long? One of the Three Wicked Step Sisters implying that some woman brings with her the Perils of Lesbianity!

Yes, it looks like Demi Moore has fallen prey to lesbian attack, and may soon be a trouser mouser herself.

Stay alert! This can happen to you or someone you love!



Love Bird Alert™:
Sally Field and Burt Reynolds re-unite

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 6 September 2010

The low-rent Examiner goes entirely for Hey Old Timer Gossip this week. The first two stories mentioned were about dead people, specifically Ted Kennedy, Tammy Wynette and her recently deceased last husband, not George Jones. This story at least is about people on this side of the ground, at least for the time being.

We have had several stories that Burt Reynolds is not long for this world, but this story says his old ex-girlfriend Sally Field is taking time out from making those Boniva ads to give the old geezer a little going away present.

Believe as much of this story as you want. I recommend 0%, but that's just me.



Katy Perry's secret pageant past

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 Sept. 2010

Pop star Katy Perry has a new album out and she also has her first mention on the cover of the supermarket rags this year. Her grandma sent her a picture from when Katy was in one of those little kid beauty pageants many years ago and In Touch tells us it's a secret.

When the person in question tweets some fact about her life, I'd say you can no longer call it secret.

Katy is several years older than Jonbenet Ramsey would be if she lived, so you have to assume Katy was involved in this weird activity back when it was just vaguely creepy instead of vomit inducing.



Rich people are rich alert:
Usher at home

Publication: People
Date: 6 Sept. 2010

There are a few stories this week that feature celebrities who are new to the covers of supermarket rags this year. One of them is the R&B star Usher, who released a new album a few months back and a follow-up EP just recently. There is no real news in the People story, just a tour around his house.

I'm sure the timing is coincidental.

[sarcasm off].

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Love Bird Alert™:
Khloe and Lamar, the untold love story

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 6 September 2010

Us Weekly wants us to know about the untold love that exists between Khloe Kardashian and her husband Lamar Odom.

Seriously, is there any detail of the lives of any Kardashian that can legitimately be called "untold"?

On the Rocks Alert:
Stedman's mom talks trash from the grave

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 6 September 2010

To honor Glenn Beck and his Restoring Honor rally on the Mall in Washington yesterday, this blog prints all the stories from the tabloids this week that say out loud what Mr. Beck and his hero Ms. Palin can only say in subtext tweeted in dog whistles.

We hate scary, uppity black people.

Stedman Graham's mom passed away on August 10, so this is the perfect time to quote her in the Enquirer. She allegedly talked some serious trash about all the main players in the Oprah Winfrey universe, including that Oprah and Gayle share a bed, the big lie about Oprah and Stedman being in love and what Stedman said about Oprah's weight gain.

Stedman talked about Oprah gaining weight? Oh, he didn't go there, did he? Oh, girlfriend, it is on like Donkey Kong!

(Note: This is post # 1,000 on the blog, which has only been published since the beginning of the year. Yay, milestones!)





What Michelle is hiding from Obama

Publication: Sun
Date: 6 September 2010

A headline hinting at trouble in the Obama marriage isn't new in the tabloids. The thing that makes this story a little remarkable is that it is published in the Sun, which usually fills its cover with stories about prophecies.

Obama is a Muslim.

Publication: Globe
Date: 6 September 2010

The supermarket rags are not selling as well as they did in their heyday and the Globe is trying to find its way back. Reading polls, they have found that there is a sizable chunk of the country that not only dislikes Barack Hussein Mohammad Obama but is willing to believe any ridiculous crap said about him. Polls say the birther crap is believed by about 10% of the country, while around 20% believe he is really a Muslim. This explains the new tactic the Globe will use to get ignorant crackers to buy their shitty rag.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Kick a corpse's widower, why don'tcha?
Tammy Wynette's husband's mystery death

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 6 September 2010

The Examiner wants you to know about the mysterious death of Tammy Wynette's husband.

George Jones is dead? Why didn't somebody tell me?

No, sorry to distress any fans of old No Show Jones. He's fine.

Poor Tammy! She must be all broke up.

No, Grandpa, Tammy is dead. She died twelve years ago.

Okay, so who died?

Tammy's last husband, the songwriter George Richey, passed away several weeks ago and the news was slow getting out. I saw a list of the songs he wrote, and nothing crossed over into being a pop hit as well.

Tammy is probably most famous for Stand By Your Man. Did you know she was married five times, two of the marriages being annulled? It's enough to shake your faith in the honesty of country and western music.

Maybe Patsy Cline wasn't crazy! Maybe Loretta Lynn wasn't a coal miner's daughter! Maybe Hank Williams never loved a woman with a cheatin' heart!

Okay, I'm sorry about those last two speculations. Even I know I crossed a line there.



Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?
Johnny Carson's grandkid out of will,
strangers get $156 mil

Publication: Globe
Date: 30 August 2010

Oopsie, boo-boo! This story was on a cover from last week and I forgot to tick it off. It is part of a pattern from the Globe and the Examiner to do Hey Old Timer Gossip about people long since dead.

One of Johnny Carson's grandkids is not in his will, but $156 million of his fortune was left to charity, or as the Globe puts it, strangers. Just to remind people, Carson died five years ago. To put that in gossip timeline terms, when Carson was on his death bed, Brad Pitt was still married to Jennifer Aniston.

That's a long time ago, gossip-wise.



She Fought The Law Alert™:
Paris Hilton arrested in Las Vegas

Publication: TMZ.com
Date: 28 August 2010

As I have said before, the problem with the supermarket rag business model is that they publish once a week while celebrities are doing stupid shit every day around the clock. Paris Hilton was arrested last night in Las Vegas for possession of cocaine. She was a passenger in a car that got stopped and the cops found the coke. She was released on her own recognizance.

Hey, who can't recognize Paris Hilton?

They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. This is because the cops take the evidence and they don't let you have it back.





Bad romance alert:
Scott Disick's violent past revealed

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 September 2010

The list of people who like Scott Disick: Kourtney Kardashian

The list of people who don't like Scott Disick: Everybody else.

OK!, still far and away the nicest supermarket rag, found some ex-girlfriend of Scott Disick to tell about bad things he did before he became a weasel on a reality TV show.

When OK! is trashing you, it may be time to re-evaluate your life style choices.

Demon Rum Alert™:
'Sober' Scott Disick caught drinking again

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 September 2010

Reality TV stars are a favorite topic of the supermarket rags, even though I have decided not to mention several shows on this blog. When the shows are in hiatus, the number of mentions on the covers of the magazines goes way down. The exception to that rule is the Kardashians and their hangers on, most notably bad boyfriend Scott Disick. On the show, most of Scott's bad behavior deals with drinking, so he's supposed to have gotten sober.

In Touch says... hmmm, not so much.

And the camera noses in to the tears on his face:
Tiger's tears

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 6 September 2010

Here's something predictable. If both the Enquirer and People are going to cover the same story, the Gold Standard will try to be as nice as possible and the Flagship will try to put as bad a connotation on it as possible. This week, People has the exclusive with Elin Nordegren about how she's getting on with her life, while the Enquirer focuses on Tiger coming to grips with the realities of being a divorced dad who won't be as involved in his kid's lives as much as he would like to be.

Moral of the story: even if you are making lots and lots of money, being a man slut is very expensive indeed.

Friday, August 27, 2010

You So Crazy Alert™:
Heidi wants old boobs back, sort of

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 6 September 2010

Heidi Montag, a hot mess with or without her sleazy boyfriend, comes clean in this week's Weekly Life & Style. Earlier talk was that she was going to trade in her DD implants for G implants or possibly one of the letters invented by Dr. Seuss in On Beyond Zebra, but now she says she would just like nice normal D cups.

Normal as in "normal for a strip club".

No word if she wants to upgrade to a chin that looks like it belongs to a human.

And, oh yeah, she "comes clean" about the sex tape with the Playboy playmate whose name escapes me for the moment.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:
Sandra crushed because Jesse is dating YET AGAIN

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 6 September 2010

This Friday morning, it's all about the big stars of the tabloids this year. Star repeats the storyline from last week started in the National Enquirer and In Touch that Sandra Bullock is emotionally scarred by the fact her greasy ex-husband, man slut Jesse James, is back on the dating scene.

I'm not sure how much stock I put in these stories. They were married five years before he publicly humiliated her, so I'm sure there's still plenty of emotional pain there, but she's had about six months to process the information, so I hope for her sake the pain is getting less sharp as days go by.

Love Bird Alert™:
Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, this time it's forever.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 6 September 2010

As little as I trust the supermarket rags, I'm even more suspicious when one story is repeated in a single rag and ignored in all the rest. This is the second time in two weeks we have had a story about Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer rekindling their relationship from last year, and both stories are in the Star.

If these stories continue, I may have to find a second picture of the couple.



Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Angie uses Brad to get at Jen, or so says Brad's mom

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 September 2010

In Touch goes to the well one more time about one of the favorite tabloid narratives of 2010, the idea that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are still all about making each other miserable five years after Brad Pitt left Jen for Angie. This time, it's Angie making Jen miserable and using Brad as an intermediary.

If there's anything new or interesting about this time the story is told for the umpteenth time, In Touch names their source, Brad's mom Jane Pitt. This is also not the first time we have heard there is bad blood between Angelina and Brad's family.



Thursday, August 26, 2010

Once again, thanks to my favorite newsstand, DeLauer's in downtown Oakland


I got the idea for this blog back in late December of last year, but then I didn't realize that not every supermarket was going to get copies of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter on a timely basis every week. This problem which I didn't know existed is solved by a store that I've known about since I was a kid, DeLauer's Newsstand in Downtown Oakland. They are very nice about me coming in each week and just reading the covers of the tabloids without buying them, so I usually try to buy something, a soda or a sudoku puzzle book or what not. If you are in the East Bay Area, please stop by DeLauer's, still at the same store front on Broadway between 13th and 14th now for 104 years. They have a great selection of magazines and newspapers from around the world, as well as novels and non-fiction in both hardcover and paperback.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?
Lots and lots of bad stuff about Teddy Kennedy

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 6 September 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays, and this is the trashiest!

Until I saw the last two tabloids of the week, the very cheap Sun and Examiner that don't have websites that show their covers on Wednesday before they are on the newsstand on Thursday, I had no idea what would even qualify for Meanest Story of the Week, but this cover on the Examiner is so nasty, I decided not even to make a contest of it this week. The allegations against the dead man who can't defend himself include a cover up of the Chappaquiddick investigation, sex party blackmail and Mafia connections. The first one is pretty run of the mill, but the last two are the kind of creepiness that makes the Examiner both a joke and a cancer at the same time.



Biggest scoop of the week:
People has an exclusive interview with Elin Nordegren

Publication: People
Date: 6 September 2010

The Gold Standard is the best selling supermarket rag and this is what they do best, get the exclusive interview with someone in the middle of a messy situation. This is the first time Elin Nordegren has talked to anyone on the record since the whole story blew up about nine months ago. The details on the cover include that the divorce is final, her heartbreak over the last nine months and how she is coping.

The story isn't quite as big as the scoop with Sandra Bullock when she introduced her adopted baby to the world, but it's certainly bigger than the "exclusive" interviews they got with Kate Gosselin when everyone was trashing her.

With any luck, Elin will start fading from view and she will get some of her privacy back.



Most repeated story of the week:
late reporting on the Stephen Moyer-Anna Paquin wedding

Publications: OK!, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 6 September 2010

Fresh trash on Thursday! Three of the supermarket rags devote cover space to last weekend's marriage of the stars of HBO's True Blood, Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin. Us Weekly makes the biggest fuss and none of them exactly contradicts any of the others.

OK!: True Blood wild wedding
Weekly Life & Style: True Blood wedding
Us Weekly: Inside the secret wedding
Steamy on-set romance
Her two gowns
Celebrity guests

Best wishes to the happy couple.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Hollywood's cutest babies.

Publication: People
Date: 30 August 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow, last trash of the week... right now!

Cute babies. Who doesn't love cute babies? I'm a grumpy old bachelor and even I love cute babies. People has a cover story about Hollywood's cutest babies, with Jessica Alba and her daughter Honor Marie as the featured pair. This is picture is about two years old and Honor is no longer going with the Mohawk look. Not surprisingly given how good looking her mom is, Honor Marie is definitely a cute baby.



On the Rocks Alert:
New Angelina sex scandal

Publication: In Touch
Date: 30 August 2010

As I have said before, if I gave separate labels for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for every story that mentioned both of them, she would be the leader in tabloid headlines this year by a large margin. They both have stories that have mentioned only one of them as well as the couple stories, and Angelina is now in the Top Ten as a solo gossip target as well as being half of BrAngelina, currently the third most popular topic on the supermarket rag covers this year behind wronged woman Sandra Bullock and lovely spinster Jennifer Aniston.

What does this new story say? There's a sex scandal. We've heard this before, and no name is given to identify her partner in this not particularly shocking development.



Man Slut Alert:
Kenny Chesney and his mistress

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 30 August 2010

Kenny Chesney's personal life has been off the gossip radar since his marriage to Renee Zellweger was annulled about five years back. He's not married but he has a steady girlfriend, who is not the woman pictured here. She is Jenn Brown, a reporter on ESPN.

I'm sure there are people who care about this story. I'm also sure I am not one of them.



Tuesday, August 24, 2010

On the Rocks update:
Tiger and Elin officially divorced

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 23 August 2010

Okay, so she put a nine iron through the window of his SUV last Thanksgiving. That really didn't mean it was over, did it?

Well, Labor Day is around the corner, and according to official documents, it's over. Now I get to go back and put FAIL by all the stories that had them back together and WIN by all the stories that said they really were through.


On the Rocks Alert:
Rob and Kristen's new cheating ultimatum

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 30 August 2010

It's been about a month since we had any stories about the stars of the Twilight movies. The story has been pushed hardest by OK! magazine, which publishes almost all positive stories. Us Weekly and Weekly Life & Style are more likely to say they are breaking up or unhappy, and the negative story this week is that someone is cheating, though the headline didn't make it clear who it is.

Love Bird Alert™:
At home with Rob and Kristen

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 30 August 2010

Two stories about the Twilght couple in the supermarket rags this week. Weekly Life & Style has a story about the love birds at home.

I have to admit I like this picture a lot. It looks like two young people who are happy. The romantic in me hopes it's true.



Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Katie Couric's secret wedding

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 30 August 2010

The Flagship says Katie Couric will marry her boyfriend Brooks Perlin in December. They also say that he is seventeen years younger than she is.

They got the numbers right, but according to GossipCop, the wedding stuff is completely made up. GossipCop is a very useful website, doing pretty much the same thing I'm doing, only with an actual budget and staff. I have checked out their stuff before and today I'm creating a label for posts that include links to their pages. They perform a very valuable service.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Jen's sexy striptease

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 30 August 2010

This is not a news flash, but Jennifer Aniston looks good with very few clothes on. The sexy striptease mentioned here is in a new movie she is working on called Horrible Bosses, not the movie that is in theaters now called The Switch.

Just wanted to make that clear.



Jen fights back.

Publication: OK!
Date: 30 August 2010

Last week, four different supermarket rags were all over the Jennifer Aniston-Bill O'Reilly brouhaha, where she said a woman doesn't need a man to raise a kid. Her movie that opened this week called The Switch is about this topic, so it's hard to say if she really feels strongly about this or it's just an opinion she stated to help sell movie tickets. In either case, most of the gossip mags forgot about it, except for OK!

The controversy didn't help the movie much. It was the eighth most popular film this weekend, and that's not a good sign for a movie that just opened.



Love Bird Alert™:
Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer back together

Publication: Star
Date: 30 August 2010

Jennifer Aniston has three supermarket rag headlines this week. This may seem like a lot, but she's been averaging that many for at least a month now.

As usual, somebody has to speculate about who is dating Hollywood's Hottest Spinster. Star tells us she is back with mouthy man slut John Mayer, seen here in a picture from early 2009 when he escorted her to the Oscars. If this is true, she is much more forgiving than I would have given her credit for. When a guy like Mayer kisses and tells and calls a different girlfriend "sexual napalm", you'd have to guess he's just not that into Jen.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Late to the party alert:
America mourns Mitch Miller

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 August 2010

The Examiner wants us to believe that America is all torn to pieces over the death of Mitch Miller, who died last month at the age of a jillion years old.

Let me speak for America here for a moment.

Aw. Hellz. NO!

His show went off the air 44 years ago. The median age of his audience in 1966 was dead. I would be amazed if one person in five today have any memory of him and the vast majority of them were probably shocked that he wasn't dead already. Every mention of him I have read in the past fifteen years or so was about how he stifled the careers of artists at Columbia like Sinatra, Rosemary Clooney and Tony Bennett by forcing them to sing ridiculous novelty tunes and they had to switch labels to get to sing material that was up to their talent level.

In brief, Mitch Miller lived long enough to be widely forgotten by the masses and mostly despised by people who love music.

Not that I feel strongly about this.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week:
Kelly Preston has a baby shower

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 30 August 2010

The Flagship, who just last month ran a headline reading KELLY PRESTON MISCARRIAGE DRAMA, now has a headline reading "Travolta's Wife Baby Shower". There was no nasty sub-headline, though it was slightly insulting to Kelly Preston to have to call her "Travolta's Wife".

A pregnant woman having a baby shower. Seems like a pretty nice and normal event, doesn't it? This headline would fit OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags, much better than it fits the Enquirer, one of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:
Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer marry

Publication: Us Weekly (online)
Date: 22 August 2010

They kept the news secret, but Us Weekly tells the public that True Blood co-stars Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin got married on Saturday at a private residence. On the show, he plays the gallant Bill Compton, vampire and ex-Conferdate soldier, and she plays his love interest Sookie Stackhouse, the most clueless person with psychic powers in the history of literature.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Obama blows $12 million.

Publication: Globe
Date: 30 August 2010

The Globe follows up on the attacks on Michelle Obama last week in the Enquirer that say the couple is going through money like water, and of course that's taxpayer money. As if Michelle going through $500,000 wasn't bad enough, her even worse husband Barack Hussein Rockefeller Obama has blown $12 million on lavish vacations and dinners, drunken White House parties and costly designer duds.

Again, the subtext is simple. Uppity.

On the Rocks Alert:
Obama marriage meltdown

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 August 2010

The unreliable and low rent Examiner continues the American Media, Inc. assault on both Michelle Obama and her no good husband, Barack Hussein Casanova Obama. Once again, their marriage is in crisis.


This time, the other woman is Oprah Winfrey, with whom Barack is having secret dates.

Michelle, honey, why you buggin'? Don't you know about Oprah's BIG GAY LIE?

I am embarrassed to say how long it took me to realize how often AMI's attacks on Oprah and the Obamas are centered on them being uppity.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Most unnecessary punctuation of the week award goes to...

Publication: People
Date: 30 August 2010

I doubt this will happen often enough to be a weekly award, but People definitely wins the most unnecessary punctuation of the week award with this headline.

Lindsay: Toxic Family?


Earlier examples of unnecessary punctuation on magazine covers include

Scientific American:
Pluto: Small and Far From the Sun?


And the all time winner.

National Geographic:
Puffins: Colorful and Cute?

Love Bird Alert™:
Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge back together

Publication: OK!
Date: 30 August 2010

The second most famous teen mom of the decade, Jamie Lynn Spears, has decided to follow the lead of Bristol Palin and hook up with her original baby daddy. According to OK!, she's back with Casey Aldridge, the young man she broke up with back in February for the love of a more mature and responsible man.

Well, let's say the other guy was older, which made him more mature. There are conflicting stories as to whether he was responsible or not.

Here's hoping Jamie Lynn had better luck than Bristol.



Sandy's fresh start.

Publication: People
Date: 30 August 2010

Other supermarket rags this week focused on Jesse James being seen in public with another woman. People got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock. Her view of how her life is going is a little different from the tabloid view. The most important thing that happened in her life recently is that the adoption of Louis Bardo Bullock is now complete.

I am not actually a confidant of Sandra Bullock, but I have to believe her thought process goes something like this.

I married a guy who used to be married to a porn star. Major warning sign ignored! Okay, that was a mistake, but I'm not Hillary Clinton or Tammy Wynette. I have a lick of sense and a shred of dignity, so this rodeo clown is out the door.

So, he's dating again? Am I crushed? Hello? As I stated previously, I have a lick of sense. It wasn't like I expected this cooze hound to become a monk. I've moved on. If he finds someone to have sex with before I do, that's completely expected. His standards are much, much lower than mine are now. I tried low standards once and I got him. That's not happening again.


And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:
Sandra crushed because Jesse is dating.

Publications: National Enquirer, In Touch
Date: 30 August 2010

Jesse James being seen in public with another woman after his divorce is on the cover of four supermarket rags this week. Weekly Life & Style got a Meanest Story nomination for adding the detail that Jesse blames Sandy for his infidelity. These two stories didn't get quite so personal, but they had a similar slant.

National Enquirer: New heartache for Sandy: Jesse and Kat Von D.
In Touch: Jesse's Dating! Stabbed in the Heart

The In Touch story has a picture of Sandy, as she is the one who they think has been figuratively stabbed in the heart. Given the lovely class of people Jesse James hangs out with, it's possible he may yet be literally stabbed in the heart, but it hasn't happened yet.



Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?
Princess Di's grave is empty.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 August 2010

This is the third story this year about Diana, Princess of Wales. The Weekly World News told us she was going to be canonized along with Micheal Jackson and Elvis Presley, and ever so slightly more reliable Examiner said her son William wanted to re-open the inquiry into her death.

There have been other stories this year about missing corpses or plans to steal people's remains, all of them in either the Globe or Examiner. The other stories were about Gary Coleman, James Brown and Michael Jackson. As they sing on Sesame Street, one of these folks is not like the others.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Meanest Story nominee:
Kelsey Grammer's ugly $120 million divorce

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 30 August 2010

Usually, I have some positive feelings about at least one of the people involved in a Meanest Story nominee, but not this time. Kelsey Grammer is a whiny right wing bitch and his soon to be ex-wife is on one of those reality shows I hate. But there are a lot of nasty details that puts this story on this week's list.

Kelsey and Camille are going through a divorce that the Flagship says is worth $120 million. The details include a pregnant girlfriend (verified: spent piece of used jet trash Kayte Walsh), a "sex disease" and alcohol abuse. The headline does not make it clear who has the last two problems, so let's be fair and say they both do.

So even though I hate them both, the despicable Mr. Grammer and his estranged gold digging wife get a story in the running for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee:
Kourtney makes fun of Kim's cellulite

Publication: In Touch
Date: 30 August 2010

Instead of relying on the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, this week's Meanest Story nominees are taken from several different sources. Usually, stories about weight are saved up for Tuesday, but this is the only weight related story this week, and one detail makes it a Meanest Story nominee.

There have been plenty of stories about Kim and Kourtney Kardashian being in "weight wars" trying to see who was skinniest or who looked best in a bikini, but this week, older sister Kourtney, who is the only one of the girls who has had a baby, has the nerve to say her younger and more famous sister Kim has... cellulite!

Oh, now she did it. Oh, yeah. Now it's on like Donkey Kong!