Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Six month review:
Notices of deaths and births

Deaths and death predictions

Not all of the tabloids predict the deaths of celebrities on a regular basis. The vast majority of the Not Long 4 This World and Brave Last Days alerts come from the three nastiest rags, the Enquirer, Examiner and Globe, all three owned by American Media Inc. Here is a list of the people marked for death by magazines other than the Morbid Three.

Bret Michaels: After his hospitalization and recovery, he returned to bad habits, and this was noted by People, Us Weekly, In Touch and Star. As of this writing, Bret is still alive and hasn't had another serious episode.

Tori Spelling: Weekly Life & Style used the phrase "starving to death" on the cover. It could easily be argued it was just a figure of speech rather than an actual prediction.

Marie Osmond: The Star is owned by the same company as the Nasty Three, and both the Star and the Enquirer reported Marie was suicidal in the same week early in March.

There have been three correct predictions: Gary Coleman, Dennis Hopper and Rue McLanahan.

As of June 30, 2010, there are also 34 people on the watch list who are still alive: Andy Griffith, Anne Francis, Barbara Billingsley, Bill Clinton, Billy Graham, Bret Michaels, Britney Spears, Burt Reynolds, Camilla Parker-Bowles, Charlie Daniels, Cher, Dick Clark, Doris Day, Elizabeth Edwards, Elizabeth Taylor, Eminem, James Garner, Katherine Jackson (Michael's mom), Kiefer Sutherland, Kirsten Dunst, Kirstie Alley, Loretta Lynn, Mariah Carey, Marie Osmond, Mike Connors, Oprah Winfrey, Paris Hilton, Penny Marshall, Portia De Rossi, Queen Elizabeth II, Rush Limbaugh, Sandy Brooks (Garth's ex-wife), Sarah Ferguson, Tori Spelling and Whitney Houston.

3 correct out of 37 is a batting average of .081, truly and deeply pathetic.

Births and birth predictions

Here is the list of confirmed celebrity pregnancies as of this writing.

Alicia Keys, Kelly Preston and Celine Dion. Dion is expecting twins.

The Enquirer and Star have said Preston is expecting twins. This has been denied.

Here is the list of of women we have been told are pregnant who either deny the rumor completely or no confirmation can be found. Many of these pregnancy rumors are the result of a female celebrity committing the crime of being fat in public. Others have come from women making some remark about wanting to have kids in the future. Melissa Smith, one of the women Jesse James had sex with, was seen leaving a drug store with a home pregnancy test.

Angelina Jolie, Beyonce Knowles, Courteney Cox, E'dina Hines (love interest and step-granddaughter of Morgan Freeman), Elin Nordegren, Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, Gayle King, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes, Kendra Wilkinson, Khloe Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, Kim Mathers (Eminem's ex-wife), Kristen Stewart, Kristi Gibson (Bret Michael's girlfriend), Mariah Carey (twins predicted), Melissa Smith (skanky ho linked to Jesse James), Rachel Uchitel and Sandra Bullock.

If we include the incorrect prediction of twins for Preston as a separate case, we have 3 correct stories out of 24, which is a batting average of .125, better than the death predictions but still horrible.

Later this week, we'll have the record of the predictions of weddings and divorces.

Six month review:
Overview of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter

Here is a quick overview of the performance of the ten American supermarket rags over the first six months of 2010, ranked from the lowest percentage of positive stories to the highest.

National Examiner
11.7% positive stories
Biggest success: Giving Willie Nelson positive press for Habitat for Horses
Biggest failure: Publicizing the Liz Taylor wedding after it was denied

National Enquirer
13.8% positive stories
Biggest success: Warning about the seriousness of Gary Coleman's condition four months before he died
Biggest failure: Saying Sandra Bullock would take Jesse James back ten days before the divorce was finalized

14.0% positive stories
Biggest success: Positive Old Timer Gossip about Hugh O'Brian and Esther Williams
Biggest failure: the constant predictions of the divorce of George W. and Laura Bush

In Touch
22.6% positive stories
Biggest success: First with the story about Jesse James being a man slut
Biggest failure: Wrong over and over again about Sandy staying with Jesse

30.3% positive stories
Biggest success: Breaking the news that Kelly Preston is pregnant
Biggest failure: Falsely claiming Kelly Preston is pregnant with twins

31.6% positive stories
Biggest "success": Breaking the news that Joan Rivers is a terrorist
Biggest failure: multiple incorrect predictions about the end of the world

Us Weekly
35.4% positive stories
Biggest success: Correctly stating Sandra Bullock was not wearing her wedding ring back in April
Biggest failure: Getting fooled by Liz Taylor

Weekly Life and Style
40.8% positive stories
Biggest success: Alicia Keys pregnant and engaged
Biggest failure: Paris Hilton wants to get married, but to whom?

54.1% positive stories
Biggest success: Sandy and Louis Bardo Bullock on the cover, biggest gossip win of the year if not the century
Biggest failure: Not a lot of real failures, but they did buy into the Jennifer Aniston-Gerard Butler "romance" that didn't last very long after their movie failed to catch fire, a.k.a. Planted Crap to sell tickets

67.2% positive stories
Biggest success: A story in late June with the headline "Elin's life without Tiger" days before the divorce was made public.
Biggest failure: The cover story that read YES! I'M HAVING A BABY as though it was a quote from Jennifer Aniston, who didn't have a single quote in the made up story inside

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:
Megan Fox marries Brian Austin Green in Hawaii

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 29 June 2010

Yet another celebrity couple gets married away from the prying eyes of the tabloid press. Megan Fox, known for her hotness and not that much else, married her longtime boyfriend Brian Austin Green. You might remember him from Beverly Hills 90210 or you might not. It's okay either way.

Fox and Green join other "secret" marriages this year, including Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart, Rush Limbaugh getting hitched for the fourth time and Vince Vaughn marrying Kyla Weber.

Math update: He's 36 and she's 24. By the Sophisticated French Rule, half his age plus seven is 25. They got engaged four years ago, when the age difference was even worse, so he is officially a cradle robber.

Even by Sophisticated French standards.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Ian Zierling's honeymoon in paradise

Publication: 5 July 2010
Date: In Touch

Okay, let's see a show of hands. How many think that the cast from Beverly Hills 90210 have passed their celebrity expiration date?

Hmm. That's a lot of hands. The motion passes.

Ian got married. Best wishes and all that.

Moving on.

On the Rocks Alert:
Scott Disick caught cheating

Publication: In Touch
Date: 5 July 2010

How many times is this couple going to break up? How many times can she move out or thrown him out? This is the third such story in June, three different supermarket rags all saying it is completely over, including the shouting.

This time Scott was caught with a 29 year old bimbo. Kourtney throws him out and says he needs professional help.

Is he the only one who needs counseling? Oh, I don't think so.

Problems with Plastic Alert™:
Megan Fox surgery nightmare

Publication: In Touch
Date: 5 July 2010

This is the first supermarket rag cover story about Megan Fox in 2010. She's a major star in the "no nipples, please" girlie mags, and online gossip sources love to rag on her bimbosity, but The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have left her alone until now. In Touch says she had a plastic surgery nightmare, and they show two pictures of her face, one that looks like she has been botoxed to near Joan Rivers levels of scariness.

There are a whole lot of parts of the being famous gig that look like no fun at all.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Bikini body secrets

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 July 2010

More stories about how to look like famously attractive people while wearing very little clothing.

Beyoncé knows how to burn calories while she sleeps.

Actually, we all do. If you want to burn a lot of calories while you sleep, I recommend a short term illness like influenza.

Cameron Diaz beats ab flab. It helps if you have a lot of free time to exercise and you are serious about training. Being paid jillions of dollars to look good increases the seriousness of most people.

Kristin Cavallari knows a new way to lose ten pounds. Most of the young women who get featured in these pictures never gained ten pounds after they stopped growing at the age of sixteen or so.

There was also a picture of some woman from one of the Housewives show, but that is a line I will not cross.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Breaking news:
Sandra Bullock Jesse James divorce has been finalized

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 28 June 2010

The website TMZ reports that the divorce papers ending the marriage of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James have been signed in Texas. The documents are sealed, which seems strange to me, but I'm not a lawyer. While the details could easily be kept private, it seems that if either party wants get re-married, the divorce would have to be a matter of public record.

Now comes the nitpicky work of going back and checking all the stories that said it was over or said they would reconcile.

The position of this blog on this matter is simple.

Good for her. He can rot.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?
Michael Jackson's body missing

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2010

Believing the Globe is just silly and wrong nine times out of ten, but they say there has been a grave robbery out of Michael Jackson's crypt that has been covered up.

The other tabloid that has covered this is the Weekly World News, who has asked who is in Jacko's crypt in April and told us Michael Jackson is alive in January.

Love Bird Alert™:
Sandy talking to Jesse again (NOT!)

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 5 July 2010

This was a bad week for Us Weekly to run this story. As far as we can tell, if Sandy is talking to Jesse, she's saying, "Stay here. The police are on their way."

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
The fight for Gary Coleman's cash and ashes

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2010

For the fourth week in a row, the late Gary Coleman has a cover story in the tabloids. One week it was the National Examiner, but it's the Globe keeping this story alive for the most part. According to them, there is a fight over his estate between his ex-wife and an ex-galpal (their word, not mine).

I half expected these kinds of post-mortem stories about the estate of Dennis Hopper, given the public feud between his daughter and his estranged wife, but the tabloids think the public is more interested in the messy details of Gary Coleman. They could very well be right.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:
Garth Brooks' ex-wife's cancer tragedy

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 July 2010

The headline reads "Garth Brooks' Cancer Tragedy". Usually, I don't look for any more info than what can be determined by the covers of the magazine, but this time I looked on the Enquirer website. His ex-wive Sandy has breast cancer and allegedly the prognosis is not good. The story has doctors quoted as saying she has two years to live, so this gets counted as a Not Long 4 This World alert.

Best wishes to her, her family and friends.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

On the Rocks Alert:
Brad tells Angie "I don't love you anymore."

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 July 2010

Earlier this year, it looked like there might be more than 150 headline stories about BrAngelina as a couple this year. This is the last story specifically about the couple for the first six months of 2010, and it will only be number thirty eight.

After the couple directly sued a British tabloid, the American rags slowed down the rate of stories about them considerably. Of course, mere overseas lawsuits aren't going to scare away completely the likes of the National Enquirer.

Completely Vague Title Alert:
Britney seeks out creepy ex

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 5 July 2010

Britney seeks out creepy ex? Could you be a little more specific, please?

Completely Vague Title Alert:
Twilight fight!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 July 2010

Most of the gossip about Twilight centers on the possibly true and possibly made up romance between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. The headline from this week's Weekly Life & Style could be about anyone, and as usual, I just read the cover, not the story inside.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Rob and Kristen ready to wed

Publication: OK!
Date: 5 July 2010

Just last week, either Rob had dumped Kristen or she was going to break his heart. This week, they are soon to be walking down the aisle.

It's the wacky inconsistency that makes keeping track of the tabloids fun.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Michelle Obama trashes Laura Bush after book snub

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 5 July 2010

Usually, it's the Globe is telling us about trouble in the marriages of the Obamas or the Bushes, with about twice as many stories about the current White House residents as about the former. This week, it's the Examiner instead telling us that the two first ladies aren't getting along.

Who do you pick in this fight?

She looks mean.

She looks crazy.

Personally, I'm going to call in the professionals and stay as far away from the action as possible. Absolutely no sense in being a hero in a situation like this.

Weekly World News alert:
Hillary controls Bill with voodoo!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 5 July 2010

Sure, the Weekly World News is a shadow of its former self, but sometimes you still gotta love 'em. The World's Fattest Cat and World's Fattest Dog bore me silly and killing the Two Headed Bigfoot on the White House lawn earlier this month was spending too much fun too early on a single story.

But all is forgiven this week as we learn that Hillary Clinton is controlling Bill with voodoo. So, all those diplomatic trips to Haiti paid some dividends after all!

She might want to put a few pins in the voodoo doll Bill's elbow, because he's been bending it a lot lately. He was sitting next to Mick Jagger at the U.S.A.-Ghana match today. Mick looked fit, trim, happy and completely engaged in the exciting match. Bill looked crunk.*

Just sayin'.

*(Short for crazy drunk for my friends not keeping up on the street lingo.)

He Fought The Law Alert™:
Inside the twisted mind of Joran van der Sloot

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 5 July 2010

The Examiner doesn't do that much investigation into true crime stories, especially true crimes that happened this century. They are more interested in who killed JFK or Natalie Wood. This week, they follow the lead of The Flagship and give valuable cover space to the story of Joran van der Sloot, confessed murderer of a young woman in Peru and prime suspect in the murder of Natalee Holloway five years ago in Aruba.

He Fought The Law Alert™:
Joran van der Sloot AIDS shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 July 2010

The Flagship has Joran van der Sloot on the cover for the third week in a row. The cover headline is vague. There are no independent confirmations or even rumors that he is HIV positive, but if he stays incarcerated in Peru, the prisons there have nearly non-existent health care and high levels of tuberculosis and AIDS infection.

More wishful thinking on the part of the Enquirer, whose editors are always willing to jump very long distances to get to a conclusion.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Late to the party alert:
The wedding of Wills and Kate is on hold.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 5 July 2010

The latest possible royal couple has made the covers of the Yank tabs for four straight weeks now. Last week, there were three stories that said there was trouble in paradise. This week, Us Weekly repeats these rumors.

As though we wouldn't believe it until they spoke with the voice of authority.

Late to the party alert:
Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart's wedding

Publications: People, Globe
Date: 5 July 2010

The Globe is in the running for the nastiest of the supermarket rags. People is in second place for the nicest of them, trailing the kind but inaccurate OK! Here are the headlines about the marriage of Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart, already covered in the legitimate press.

People: Harrison & Calista's Surprise Wedding
Globe: Harrison and Calista's Shotgun Wedding

Did you catch the subtle difference? I thought you might.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Favorite psychic prediction of the year!

Publication: Sun
Date: 5 July 2010

The Sun is usually predicting the end of the world or earthquakes, that kind of thing. But this week, one of their psychics has come up with my favorite psychic prediction so far.

Betty White will marry a teenager.

You know the Sophisticated French Rule, half your age plus seven? Screw it, I say. More power to Miss Betty White and the psychics of lu-u-u-u-u-u-u-v!

On the Rocks Alert:
Dean tells Tori marriage is DOOMED!

Publication: Star
Date: 5 July 2010

I'll admit it. I love the word "doomed". It has a great sound to it, don't you think? It's the perfect sound to mean completely screwed, especially if you stretch the sound out so it takes two or three seconds to say.


Makes for a nice break in the day.

But just a word of advice to Dean McDermott. If you don't want to be married, just leave, don't talk about it like this. As far as I can tell, Tori's mom wants them to break up, Dean wants to break up and Tori may have some serious psychological problems.

Sounds to me like the marriage is... DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Sticking my toe over The Line In The Sand.

I promised myself I wouldn't write anything about the people from this awful show. Commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive loves this stuff, but me, not so much.

In any case, the couple from this year are awful people by every account. People can't decide if they hate the guy or the girl more. The couple has now broken up and it's on the cover of five of the Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

This is as close as I will get to reporting on this crap. It was only worth an off-hand mention because of the number of covers they appeared on in a single week. I still want nothing to do with this show or any show with the phrase "real housewives" in it.

That is all.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

He Fought The Law Alert™:
Accusations of sexual assault against Al Gore from 2006

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 July 2010

The Enquirer is running with a story of a massage therapist in Portland, Oregon who accuses former vice president Al Gore of sexual assault by getting agressive during a massage at a hotel in 2006. I didn't read the story in the Flagship, but the nice folks over at Talking Points Memo read the legal documents, and if you are interested in the details, they are all there. The woman thought about filing charges, then decided against it, instead planning to file a civil complaint, but then failed to follow through on that. There is some thought that the Enquirer paid her handsomely for the story, but they deny it, upright citizens that they are.

Not Long 4 This World:
Andy Griffith is ill and asks his friends to pray for him

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 5 July 2010

A new name is added to the tabloid's Grim Reaper List of 2010. The headline merely said that Andy Griffith was ill and asked friends to pray for him, but he did just turn 84.

Best wishes to Mr. Griffith, his family and friends.

Brave Last Days Alert:
Doris Day once again

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2010

This is the second Brave Last Days alert for Doris Day, both of them in the Globe. They actually use the words "lonely" and "heartbreaking" instead of "brave", but the intent is the same.

Best wishes to Miss Day, her family and friends.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Jennifer Aniston is having a baby.

Publication: OK!
Date: 5 July 2010

OK! has the big headline of the week, written in big bright yellow letters. YES! I'M HAVING A BABY is written next to a picture of Jennifer Aniston and OK! has the sneak peak of the interview where Jen tells all. Sounds like a quote, doesn't it? I mean, no one else can use the word "I" in that sentence if it's a sentence about Jen, right?

Not a quote.

While I don't read the stories inside the magazine, I do check online for confirmation, and those sources say that the story in OK! has no actual quotes from Ms. Aniston and is just third person speculation. Ms. Aniston's representatives have already denied the story.

Here's the thing about OK!, okay? Of the Only Ten Magazines That Matter, they have the highest percentage of positive stories on their covers by a wide margin, but is telling nice lies about people really that much "nicer" than telling mean lies?

They were hoping to have a cover story as big as Sandy's introduction of little Louis. This is a big fail at the time of publication.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Baby No. 7 on the way for Angelina Jolie

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 5 July 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Both In Touch and Star say that Baby number 7 is on the way for Angelina Jolie. Star makes it clear that it's another adoption and the new child is a girl.

The source of the rumors is a recent trip Angelina made to Haiti. Brad is in the picture above, but he is not mentioned in the headlines of either magazine. BrAngelina don't go with the usual publicist business, so this will be confirmed if and when Ms. Jolie feels like it.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

And the camera noses in to the tears on his face:
Warren Beatty's daughter's sex change shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 June 2010

There was a time when Warren Beatty was a dream come true for the gossip business. From the late 1950s to the early 1990s, he was Hollywood's all-star Lothario. Now, he makes it back onto the front page because his daughter wants a sex change operation.

If she's hoping to follow in her father's footsteps, she's got to know it isn't as easy as it looks.

Because commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive asked nicely, here's a picture of Warren's kid with Annette Bening.

On the Rocks Alert:
Elin's life after Tiger

Publication: OK!
Date: 28 June 2010

It's been three months since Elin or Tiger was front page news in the tabs. There haven't been any stories of reconciliation, but there also hasn't been the public filing of papers. OK! says they know about what Elin will do in her new life without Tiger.

As we will see tomorrow, OK! is a very positive supermarket rag, but they aren't a very reliable one.

Love Bird Alert™:
Jennifer Aniston's new romance

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 28 June 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow! The last of the week's trash... right now!

Two of the supermarket rags tell us Jennifer Aniston is seeing someone new, but neither source gives a name or the picture on the cover. You will notice a slight difference in the connotation between the very nice OK! (68.6% positive stories) and In Touch (18.6% positive stories), the only magazine not owned by American Media Inc. that is even nearly as nasty as the Enquirer, Examiner and Globe.

OK!: Jen's Secret New Guy
In Touch: Jen's Risky New Romance

A small difference, but a telling one.

Jackie Chan's secret life.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 June 2010

Jackie Chan has a new movie out, and if this story had even a small positive angle to it, I would assume it was Planted Crap. But the Flagship has almost nothing nice to say about Jackie's secret life, which includes cheating on his wife and suicide attempts, so I'm going to assume this is just the Enquirer digging up dirt and presenting it when the public's interest in Chan is at its highest.

It's the difference between symbiosis and parasitism, a remora and a lamprey.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Love Bird Alert™:
A man for Kate Gosselin!

Publication: OK!
Date: 28 June 2010

A positive story about Kate Gosselin from OK!, by far the nicest of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. This is the first time they have written about her. They say she has a new guy and she is changing her controlling ways.

What was it that Shakespeare said about leopards and spots? It's right on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't remember it completely right now.

I'm sure it will come back to me eventually.

Enboobening Alert™:
Kate Gosselin Boobjob Shocker!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 28 June 2010

Who hates Kate Gosselin? Pretty much every editor of a magazine who has written about her with the exception of People. This week, Us Weekly puts her on the list of the enboobened, and not in a nice way. I haven't checked for her confirmation or denial online, because I don't much care one way or the other.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Amazing beach bodies issue of People

Publication: People
Date: 28 June 2010

This is People's annual Beach Body issue, and there are only two celebrities on the cover. The guy who looks good without a shirt is Zac Efron from the High School Musical series. His body is hot, but his career as tabloid fodder... not so much. This is his first mention this year on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

The female star of the cover is Jennifer Love Hewitt, who is real purdy, too.

Damn You Fat Alert™:
Whitney Houston eats two days worth of food in one sitting

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 June 2010

The Flagship continues its hate affair with Whitney Houston, showing a picture of her in mid-feeding frenzy, taking in 4,100 calories in a single sitting. Her daily calorie intake should be closer to 2,000 calories.

There have been seven stories so far this year about Whitney, all but one in the Enquirer and the one from In Touch was about her snorting coke in public. Unlike Kate Gosselin or the Kardashians or even Charlie Sheen, there is no "nice" supermarket rag willing to let Whitney tell her side of the story.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Kick several corpses, why don'tcha?
Jackie O secret tapes reveal who was behind JFK killing

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 June 2010

The Examiner wins the Hey Old Timer Gossip derby this week by have two stories in that category, the one about Anne Francis and this one about Jackie O keeping secrets about the JFK assassination.

As we know, being dead does not immediately disqualify people as being cover fodder for the tabloids, so it's a little unusual that the year is half gone and this is the first mention of Jackie in the tabs this year.

Bad Help Alert:
Hollywood nannies tell all

Publication: In Touch
Date: 28 June 2010

In Touch has a story about nannies who blab. The only picture on the cover for this story is of Tom and Suri Cruise.

Notice how Suri has her little toy bun-bun?

When the tabs bring little kids into negative stories, this is my little pet bun-bun.

On the Rocks Alert:
Why Kristen will break Rob's heart.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 28 June 2010

Two stories about the actors from Twilight who hooked up in real life as well. Weekly Life & Style says it's over already. Us Weekly says it's just a matter of time before she breaks his heart.

Almost everybody blames her. She might have some undiagnosed problems with depression, because she seems very gloomy for someone as young, pretty and successful as she is.

Just sayin'.

On the Rocks Alert:
Rob dumps miserable Kristen

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 June 2010

So far, most of the stories about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have come from OK! magazine, the nicest of the supermarket rags, and have detailed mostly the ups and a few downs of a young couple in love.

This week, some of the not as nice rags take a few shots at them.

Weekly Life & Style says it's over, that Robert has had enough of the gloomy young actress.

I don't know them from Adam or Eve, but the story makes me a little sad. Young people should be happy, and this cell phone picture looks like they were happy from time to time at least.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Bells Are Ringing alert™:
Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger (PUBLICLY DENIED)

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 28 June 2010

Star says Bradley Cooper, star of the comedy The Hangover, and Renee Zellweger, best known for her roles in Chicago, Bridget Jones' Diary and Jerry Maguire, are getting married. The cover headline reads "Renee and Bradley Here Comes the Bride".

The couple denies it. The couple appears to value privacy a lot. Doing a quick Google search, I could not find a picture of them together on a red carpet, and the pictures I could find were paparazzi ambushes like this one.

Until further information comes to light, I'm going to say this one is a big fail for Star.

Bells Are Ringing alert™:
Carrie Underwood's Dream Wedding

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 20 June 2010

There was a flurry of Carrie Underwood stories early this year, but nothing since early March.

All the stories say the same thing. She's in love with a hockey player and they are getting hitched.

Bad Help Alert:
Former bodyguard says Britney is always nekkid

Publication: In Touch
Date: 28 June 2010

A new label was created this week, the Bad Help Alert. This label is for stories that have sources that are employees, like maids and bodyguards. There have already been several stories like this so far in 2010, and I went back and put labels on as many as I could find.

This week, a former bodyguard says Britney Spears was always walking around naked, trying to seduce him.

So this guy was actually complaining about one of the perks of the job? I'm confused.

Hairdresser Alert™:
Obama gay bath house scandal

Publication: Globe
Date: 28 June 2010

At the beginning of the year, the Globe and Examiner traded off taking shots at Obama and his marriage. Over the past few months, it's been the Globe exclusively telling these stories.

This week, the story is that Obama has a lifetime membership in a gay bath house in Chicago.

Among the other people the Globe has implicated in gay scandals are Al Gore and Tiger Woods. Make of that what you will.