Monday, May 31, 2010

Problems with Plastic Alert™:
A bunch of doctors speculate about plastic surgery

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 June 2010

Under the headline BOOB JOBS! BOTOX! LIPO!, OK! magazine has a bunch of doctors make their best guesses about what female celebrities have had what work done. The sub-headlines include:

  • Kendra's tummy crisis
  • Kim's cellulite cure
  • Audrina looks bustier
There are also mentions of Heidi Montag and Jennifer Aniston for good measure.

Note that the actresses most prized for their beauty in films today like Scarlett Johansson, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba are almost never mentioned in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter. (Of that group. only Jessica Alba has had a single mention this year.) If you are under thirty and the supermarket rags are interested in you, you are probably from a reality TV show.

Glee cast at war!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 June 2010

On this Memorial Day, it only seems right that we honor all those theater nerds who gave so much...

Oh, wait a second. I think Weekly Life & Style is just using a weak analogy during a bad week for weak analogies about war.

My bad. Or should I say, their bad.

Not Long 4 This World:
Michael Jackson's mom Katherine

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 June 2010

The Globe is one of the main tabloid sources doing what it can to keep the Michael Jackson story line alive after his death, and this week it's a headline saying his mama is dying.

Does the Globe have no shame?

Hypothetical question asker, I think we already know the answer to that.

Bad Mom Alert™:
Kim Kardashian's love life ruined by her mom

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 June 2010

In Touch tells us the problems Kim K has with relationships stem from her mama Kris Jenner.

This makes a lot of sense. After all, we can't expect a young girl who is about to celebrate her 30th birthday to be able to make good decisions on her own. It just has to be someone else's fault, so let's blame mom.

[Sarcasm off].

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Bells Are Ringing alert™:
Valerie Bertinelli to wed convicted wife beater

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 June 2010

Would the Globe say something nice about someone getting married? Well, they said Marie Osmond was getting back together with her ex, but that's all the nice stuff they have had about weddings this year so far.

Valerie Bertinelli shouldn't feel horribly picked on. This is just the way these people roll.

A question so obvious, nobody asked it before alert:
What's wrong with Caroline Kennedy's nose?

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 June 2010

I hadn't really thought about it before, but it's a fair question.

After all, she's a woman on the public stage, so it's our God given right to obsess about her physical appearance. It's not like women actually have thoughts or opinions, right?

Bun(s) In The Oven Alert™:
Kelly Preston to have twins

Publications: National Enquirer, Star magazine

Both Star and the Enquirer have stories on the cover about Kelly Preston expecting twins. The Flagship puts a negative spin on the story with "John Travolta's unborn twins in danger", while Star just says "Twins for Travoltas".

The family has denied the story about twins. Since Kelly is supposed to be three months pregnant, the story will be confirmable before the end of the year.

Not a Bad Mom Alert™:
Kate and her kids

Publication: People
Date: 7 June 2010

If you want to find a positive story about Kate Gosselin in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter, that narrows it down to the Only Magazine That Matters, People. While hating Kate appears to be a national pastime nearly as popular as baseball, People is the big leader in circulation among the supermarket rags, so maybe they are on to something.

I've never seen a minute of the show, so I have no opinion on the subject myself.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Completely Vague Title Alert:
Heartbreak for Sandra

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 June 2010

While the headline doesn't say much, with this story Sandra Bullock passes BrAngelina for first place as the celebrity label with the most entries so far this year. The rest of the current top five are Jennifer Aniston, Jesse James and Tiger Woods, but if things keep going the way they are going now, at least one and possibly two Kardashian sisters will be in the top five when the six month review comes in at the end of June, and they might be joined by Kendra Wilkinson.

Stay tuned.

Love Bird Alert™?:
Sandra caving in, fooled by Jesse's lies.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 June 2010

Jesse James' Nightline interview should put the kibosh on the rumors that he and Sandy are getting back together, because he pretty much sounds like a whipped dog. In Touch is trying to sell the story that he is weaseling his way back into her heart.

I'm not usually one for predictions, but I bet when the year is out, Sandra will still be in New Orleans with her cute baby and Jesse will still be in California, being true to his scumbag nature.

Dig up a corpse, why don'tcha?
Dig up Anna Nicole!

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 June 2010

Just when you think the Globe can't sink any lower, they dig a new hole.

They believe they have new evidence that will prove that Anna Nicole Smith was murdered, but they need to dig up her corpse to prove it.

It was last month the Examiner said Prince William wanted to re-open the inquiry into his mom's death, but the Globe now holds the crown as purveyor of the most disgustingly morbid story of the year so far.

The most sickening thought is that this will not be the last entry this year in this race to the bottom.

Breaking news:
Dennis Hopper dead at 74

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 29 May 2010

In two days, the number of correct predictions for the year jumps from zero to two for the tabloids foretelling the deaths of celebrities as Dennis Hopper dies from complications of prostate cancer. He was 74.

The Enquirer first had Hopper's health problems on their website in January and the Examiner put him on the front page that same month. His health problems were also covered in the legitimate press as well.

Best wishes to all Mr. Hopper's friends and to most of his family, from a fan.

Breaking news:
Heidi Montag leaving Spencer Pratt

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 29 May 2010

TMZ reports that Heidi Montag is looking for a place to live and wants to leave her husband Spencer Pratt. She is upset at the way Spencer has been controlling her image in the press.

In this picture, Spencer looks a little like a younger Brad Pitt with the older Brad Pitt's unfortunate love for bad facial hair choices.

Weekly World News alert:
Aliens abduct Sarah Palin

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 7 June 2010

The Weekly World News has fallen on hard times. It used to be its own entity, now it's a few pages inside another tabloid. They used to tell us about Bat Boy, who was found in a cave, naturally, but now their main character is the World's Fattest Cat.

This week, trying to be more relevant to life in America in 2010, they tell us that aliens have abducted Sarah Palin so she can run their planet.

As long as they have no plans to clone her, I have no problem with this. Having her light years away is probably the only way the press will stop yakking about her.

Blown Fortune Alert™:
Sarah Ferguson Royal Money Scandal

Publication: People
Date: 7 June 2010

It used to be that royal weddings could mean the difference between war and peace on the European continent. But now that the British monarchy is the only one that anybody takes seriously, it's just a very large money making scam primarily funded by the British taxpayers. Instead of war with Holland or Spain or France, the worst thing that can happen is a royal marries some bimbo and she can't keep her yap shut.

Sound like anyone we know?

Sarah Ferguson is on the Apology Tour after being caught on tape for asking for half a million pounds sterling from the British tabs for access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew.

People want access to Prince Andrew? I thought he was like the Spice Girls or Duran Duran, one of those British people we aren't required to waste brain cells remembering anymore.

In any case, the Apology Tour has two big stops in the United States, go on Oprah (she's done that) and to explain herself in People.

Mission accomplished.

Friday, May 28, 2010

On the Rocks Alert:
Larry King's $172,000,000 divorce

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 June 2010

Just last month, this was a $150,000,000 divorce, now it's $172,000,000. I guess this means the economy's improving.

In other legitimate sources, there has been talk of reconciliation since the papers were filed.

The royal wedding is being called the Wedding of the Century, even though it won't cost a fourth as much money as this brouhaha. No one is calling this the Divorce of the Century, largely because it doesn't hold a candle to the money that will change hands if Oprah actually has to show someone the door.

This reminds an old person with poor taste like me of an old joke in poor taste.

Q:Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
A: Because they are worth it.



Bells Are Ringing alert™:
William and Kate's $40 mil Wedding of the Century

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 7 June 2010

According to multiple supermarket rag sources, the nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton are a done deal. It's a much easier system now that royal weddings don't have to be planned to avoid or encourage warfare.

Ah, good times!

The extra nugget of news this week is that the price tag of this little hoedown will be $40,000,000, or about £27,600,000 using their crazy moon money.

I mean, money named after a pound of silver? Are we still fretting about the Spanish Armada attacking? Has the Magna Carta been signed yet or is King John still being a dick?

Seriously, speak American. You are using our language, so get it right, for pity's sake.



First correct prediction of the year: Gary Coleman dead at 42

Publication: Radar(online)
Date: 28 May 2010

Gary Coleman has died from a brain hemorrhage at the age of 42. The National Enquirer first published a story this year about his serious health situation in early February.

The tabloids now have one correct prediction for the year, coming on the 148th day of the year. There are still 33 people who they have marked for imminent death this year who are still with us.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Gary Coleman.



On the Rocks Alert:
Oprah and Gayle King have a public screaming match


Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 June 2010

OMG! Oprah and Gayle are breaking up?!?

Maybe there is something to all the Skeeter Davis alerts.

Skeeter Davis Alert:
The world ends on an easy date to remember

Publication: Sun
Date: 7 June 2010

Don't ask for consistency from the Sun. The specific date for the End Of The World is... how shall we say?

Fluid.

But this week, let's go with July 4.

Good news. It's a Sunday and if you live in the U.S., you'll have the next day off to recover.

Who says July 4? What can we expect? Glad you asked.

  • Edgar Cayce foresaw killer fire storms
  • John the Evangelist says Satan will be in Congress
  • Black Elk tells us who will be saved
  • Mother Teresa points to hidden Bible secrets
Okay, a few points. Usually, Congress is not in session on July 4 OR on Sundays, so this one seems odd. Also, if Congress is in session, both Michele Bachmann and James Inhofe will be there, so Satan better bring his own microphone.

Some of us will be saved? What kind of cheap ass End of the World is this?

Since when did Mother Teresa become Bernadette Soubirous? They gotta do a better job of keeping their nuns straight over at the Sun.

Anyway, have a good time on the 4th. You may have a chance to avoid cleaning up after the party. But wear a good sun screen anyway, just in case. Like the fireworks you buy off the back of a truck, sometimes the End of the World turns out to be a dud.



Thursday, May 27, 2010

Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Bret Michaels to be a father again

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 June 2010

The world is officially upside down. People has a story with a negative focus on Bret Michaels the same week the National Enquirer has a story with a positive focus.




I think only the Ghostbusters can explain this properly.

Not Long 4 This World:
Bret Michaels risking his life story continues

Publications: People, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 7 June 2010

Last week it was Star magazine warning us about Bret Michaels AND stories in the legitimate press about a previously undiagnosed hole in his heart. This week three of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have him on the cover warning about his health and his lifestyle choices.

  • People: Bret Living Dangerously
  • In Touch: Friends fear for Bret's life
  • Us Weekly: Bret Michaels ignoring doctors
That's a lot of warnings and one of them is from The Gold Standard, which has more weight than its competitors.




Hospitalization alert:
Gary Coleman

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 27 May 2010

Gary Coleman is in the hospital in critical condition. No other details at this time.

Best wishes to Gary, his friends and family.

Brave Last Days alert:
Mike Connors

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 June 2010

With the passing of John Forsythe and Peter Graves this year, the tabloids who specialize in Hey Old Timer gossip feel a distinct need to cover all the bases, so they are thumbing through TV Guides from the 1960s and 1970s and figuring out who is still alive so they can tell you who is not long for this world. This week it's Mike Connors, star of Mannix, who will turn 85 this summer.

A little Hey Old Timer nostalgia from me. I had a GAF View-Master when I was a kid and it was many hours of fun. But if anybody had bought me 21 stereo pictures from the TV series Mannix, I would have been sorely disappointed. Even with the Chinese lanterns.

Hairdresser Alert™:
Daniel Craig caught kissing a guy in a gay bar

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 June 2010

The tabloids leave movie stars alone for the most part, though they do show an interest in any cute girl who is at least temporarily unattached, like Jen or Reese or Sandra. So the Enquirer outing Daniel Craig comes as a surprise.

This does give me a chance to put a little eye candy up on the blog for the straight ladies and hairdressers Who Like This Sort Of Thing. Cristiano Ronaldo shouldn't get all the shirtless fun, after all.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Breaking news:
Art Linkletter dead at 97


Art Linkletter has died at the age of 97. Here is a link the obituary in the New York Times.

Why did the tabloids mention Barbara Billingsley earlier this year? Well, she's old and she used to be famous. The same could be said for Art Linkletter, except he was even older, and it should be noted as May comes to a close that Miss Billingsley is still alive. Another black mark for the predictive powers of the vultures of the gutter press.

On the Rocks Alert:
Cristiano Ronaldo cheats on Kim Kardashian

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 May 2010

It's very possible that the whole Kim Kardashian-Cristiano Ronaldo romance is just Planted Crap. I mean, her home base is in Beverly Hills and he plays football in Europe. That means on your average day, there is a continent and an ocean between them.

Seriously, do you think either of these people is going to be off the market for long if this long distance nonsense keeps up?

'Cos they is both purdy. Reeeeeal purdy.

Bad romance alert: Reggie Bush trashes ex-girlfriend Kim Kardashian to his new girlfriend

Publication: In Touch
Date: 31 May 2010

Something about stopping having sex with Kim Kardashian brings out the worst in guys. Reggie Bush is trashing his former flame to his new flame, according to In Touch magazine.

It's possible he's just trying to make sure the new girl isn't jealous, or it could be that Reggie is upset that Kim met a guy who is in better shape than Reggie and makes more money.

Both theories are plausible.

Sex Tape alert:Some bimbo from The Hills is going to be seen nekkid

Publication: In Touch
Date: 31 May 2010

One of the bimbos on The Hills has a sex tape coming out. You can be pretty sure it isn't Heidi, because they would have come right out and used her name, since she's the biggest tabloid star of the group now. Also, it would be hard to sell a sex tape of her in her pre-inflated state, because the kind of people who buy sex tapes are the kind of people she was trying to impress when she underwent the ridiculous surgery.

I would know who if I opened the magazine, but that's against policy except in drastic circumstances, and this obviously does not count.

Also, I have to go back and add "sex tape" as a label. It obviously deserves a category of its own.

Love Bird Alert™:
Reese and Jim moving in?

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 31 May 2010

According to Us Weekly, the romance between Reese Witherspoon and the agent she has been seeing is going along swimmingly and the love birds are planning to co-habitate.

His name is Jim Toth, for those of us who have a hard time remembering him.



Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Bikini body reality TV stars

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 May 2010

OK! wants us to know what reality TV stars look good in very little clothing, like we didn't know already.


If you've been following the day-to-day gossip instead of the weekly gossip, you know that how Kendra Wilkinson looks in a bikini is about to become a moot point.


How does Kim K. look in very little clothing? Very supa foine, thank you for asking.


And last but not least... wait, I take that back. Last and least we have Kristin Cavallari, who is usually in the gossip rags for being a drug addict. Definitely a step up for her.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Tori Spelling says she's not too skinny

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 May 2010

Tori Spelling got on the Not Long 4 This World list last month for being scary skinny. This month she gets to set the record straight in Weekly Life & Style.

What supermarket rag reported the story that she was a 93 pound skeleton near death?

Weekly Life & Style.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Jennifer Hudson goes from size 16 to size 6

Publication: People
Date: 31 May 2010

A lot of stories about weight this week, most of them with a positive slant. Singer Jennifer Hudson has gone from a size 16 to a size 6. Like many of the performers voted off American Idol, she has gone on to a better career that the winners.

Damn You Fat (But Not Really) Alert™:
Kourtney gets a tummy tuck after Scott calls her fat

Publication: In Touch
Date: 31 May 2010

More stories about everybody's least favorite love birds, Kourtney Kardashian and her tumor with legs Scott Disick. Scott told her she was fat so she went and got cosmetic surgery.

Ah, young love!
I should give Scott the Disapproving Rabbit more often.

Damn You Used To Be Fat Alert™:
Drew Carey loses 40 lbs. in two weeks UPDATE

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 31 May 2010

The Examiner has a picture of Drew Carey on the cover looking much thinner than usual, but not particularly healthy. I can't find any similar picture anywhere else, and Photoshop is always an option with these grease weasels.

They say he has lost 40 lbs. in two weeks, which is impossible without surgery or a life threatening disease. When I see a story in the Examiner that I can't find anywhere else, I assume they are just making stuff up.


Here is a recent picture of Carey speaking at a city council meeting in Cleveland. He looks thinner, but I can't say how much thinner or how quickly he lost the weight.

Monday, May 24, 2010

No Bun In The Oven Alert™:
Bad reproductive news for Mariah and Jen

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 May 2010

There is nothing the Flagship loves more than to tell its readers that famous people are as miserable as they are. This week, the story is that Jennifer Aniston's dreams of being a mommy are shattered. Apparently, having the body of a 24 year old is not the same as as having the plumbing of a 24 year old, and at 41, her best reproductive years are behind her, according to this report.


Mariah Carey is now 40, and the Enquirer tells us she is going through fertility treatments.

The Enquirer is only happy when others are miserable.

Are you also happy with your shrinking readership, Enquirer?

On the Rocks and/or Bun in the Oven Alert:
Hank and Kendra hanging by a thread

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 May 2010

Last week, Weekly Life & Style told us Hank Baskett was furious about Kendra's sex tape. This week, the news is still bad but they say Kendra is promising one more baby to make everything all right.

If we believe these people, Kendra was supposed to be pregnant three months ago, but the main thread of her story since then has been her losing enough weight to look good nekkid again.

Things don't add up, as usual.

Bad Mom and Dad Alert™:
BrAngelina fight over Shiloh

Publication: In Touch
Date: 31 May 2010

Cover stories about BrAngelina as a couple have slowed down to a trickle in recent months. After dozens in January and February, there were five in March, two in April and just one so far in May. This one says they disagree on the raising of daughter Shiloh.

Let me go on the record saying I agree with Keith Olbermann that you cannot call a little girl Shiloh Pitt. Do they think kids today can't figure out spoonerisms?


Man Slut Alert:
Matt Lauer's other women

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 May 2010

A word in Matt Lauer's defense. He has kept himself in great shape. I don't know if that makes up for the bad hair, big nose and squinty eyes, but it seems to work for him.

And by "work for him" I mean, "allows him to be a man slut".

The Flagship has pictures of four other women he has allegedly schtupped. There were first names given but not last and I didn't recognize any of them as being famous.

Will we grow to hate Matt Lauer as much as we hate Tiger Woods or John Edwards? Yes we will, if the National Enquirer has any say in it.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Love Bird Alert™:
Rob proposes to Kristen

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 May 2010

According to OK!, the love birds from Twilight are getting hitched.

This doesn't sound ANYTHING like Planted Crap made up just to promote the next movie.

Wait, let me amend that. It sounds EXACTLY like Planted Crap made up to promote the next movie.



Love Bird Alert™?:
How Kristen tortures Rob

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 31 May 2010

How does Kristen torture Rob? Does it have anything to do with acting exactly like Bella does in the movie? Because that would be torture after just a little while.

Sad days, but not last days:
Julie Andrews' voice is gone

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 May 2010

Julie Andrews had throat surgery. Afterwards, she sang a song in the movie The Princess Diaries 2 and it sounded all right, though it had a limited range. She gave a comeback concert in London "speak singing" in front of a crowd of 20,000. The Brits are famously kind to nostalgia acts, but 10 customers asked for their money back and the critics panned her. This has allegedly lead to her collapsing.

Bear in mind that it's the Globe.

Sad days, but not last days:
Kate Jackson is broke.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 31 May 2010

The Examiner once again puts an accurate story on the cover by re-hashing news from other sources. Kate Jackson's manager took all her money.

Since she was on the TV show Dark Shadows before I graduated high school, this counts as Hey Old Timer Gossip.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
Betty White in a bitter feud with her step daughter

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 May 2010

The Enquirer thinks the public is clamoring for dirt about Miss Betty White, beloved icon of all things pleasant in this world.


Talk to the bunny, Enquirer. I am not returning your calls.