Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Johnny Depp humiliates Angelina Jolie

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

Last story of an admittedly slow week. Johnny Depp has re-buffed Angelina Jolie's advances on the set of their new film, and she is humiliated that she will not be able to add him to the long list of conquests she has landed in her illustrious career as Hollywood's great succubus of the past two decades.

The new tabloid week starts tomorrow, and you can expect a lot more of the Sandra Bullock-Jesse James drama, while Ms. Jolie makes a comeback as the star the tabs hate the most.

And there's more! New names will be added to the Brave Last Days and Not Long 4 This World lists, and a Hairdresser Alert that you may not believe!

(Like any of us believe any of this.)


On the rocks alert:
Reggie Bush unfaithful to Kim Kardashian

Publications: Star, In Touch, Weekly Life and Style
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

With the Sandra Bullock/Jesse James mess, I gave a separate post to each of the seven headlines this week about their troubles because every story dealt with different aspects of the situation. There were three headlines about Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush, who are supposed to be engaged, and these all said the same thing.

It's over.

According to these reports, Reggie was caught cheating with some blonde.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The all-important three month review

This is not just a blog for tabloid headlines and snarky comments. The idea of the blog was to keep track of the tabloids, to report on what they got right and what they got wrong. I've had fun expanding the types of stories I will report, including enboobening alerts and hairdresser alerts, but the core of this blog's original mandate was to report the verifiable stuff and keep score. This is the first scorecard.


The tabloids have told us 22 people are dying or will die within some time frame. Brave Last Days or Sad Last Days are supposed to be just that, a warning that someone has a few weeks to live, maybe a few months at the outside. Then there are the reports that read "xxx dying!" or "yyy has so many months to live!" These are reports of lower urgency on the color coded list.

Brave Last Days reports: Elizabeth Taylor, Burt Reynolds, Loretta Lynn (twice), Gary Coleman, Charlie Daniels, Rue McClanahan, Barbara Billingsley, Dennis Hopper (twice), Dick Clark.

As of 7:00 pm Pacific time on 30 March 2010, all these people are still alive.

Not Long 4 This World reports: Camilla Parker-Bowles, Marie Osmond (suicidal), Bill Clinton, Whitney Houston, Britney Spears, Eminem, Paris Hilton, Kirsten Dunst, Queen Elizabeth II, Portia DeRossi.

As of 7:00 pm Pacific time on 30 March 2010, all these people are still alive.

Expiration Date reports: Rush Limbaugh, Kirstie Alley, Oprah Winfrey.

As of 7:00 pm Pacific time on 30 March 2010, all these people are still alive.

Here is a list of people at about the same level of fame that died in the past three months without any warning alert from the gutter press.

Corey Haim, Peter Graves, Fess Parker, Robert Culp, Merlin Olsen.

For the record: 23 warnings, 0 deaths so far. 5 deaths without warnings of people at about the same level of fame.


The tabloids told us about many break-ups. The truly verifiable are the reports of divorce. Rich people can "come to an understanding", but if one of them actually wants to get married again, then they have to divorce and that has to be public. Here are the couples we have been told will divorce in the tabloids.

On the rocks, but no divorce proceedings yet: Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods, Laura and George W. Bush, Charles and Camilla, Trisha Yearwood and Garth Brooks, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Michelle and Barack Obama, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, Paula Deen and her husband, Phil McGraw and his wife, Larry and Shawn King.

Reports in the tabloids and some legal action has been taken: Benny Hinn and his wife, Paul and Anna Anka, John and Elizabeth Edwards (legally separated). There is a report of divorce proceedings by Sandra Bullock against Jesse James on Radar online, but no verification in a non-gossip source.

There are also the divorces and separations that took place but did not get reported in the tabloids first.

Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet, Jenny and Mark Sanford, Dennis and Victoria Hopper, Karl and Darcy Rove, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins

That's three hits, ten swings and misses, four called strikes and one foul tip.


Here's another verifiable event. The end of the world.

Let me go on record here for anyone unclear on the concept. Nostradamus? Edgar Cayce? Dr. Harold Camping? You Friggin' Mayans? I gotcher end of the world RIGHT HERE!

Of course, we are talking about the future and no one truly knows the future. The end of the world could come to pass as one of these wankers predicted, and boy, will my face be red!

Actually, it could be charred beyond recognition or crushed under tons of debris, but you get the idea.

So far, we have not reached any of the dates yet predicted for the coming end times, though a few of them will come before the next review in late June and the beginning of the End Times is slated for September 11, 2010, an easy date to remember.

========

Positive and negative tabloids: Not all tabloids are created equal. Some are going for sensationalistic stories that slam celebrities. Some suck up to the celebrities and promise to tell their side of the stories.

Jackal of the Press award: In nearly a flat-footed tie, the National Enquirer is the most negative tabloid with only 10% positive stories, followed by the National Examiner at 11% positive.

Biggest Suck Up award: OK! magazine is by far the most positive tab, with 64% of stories putting celebrities in a positive light. The nearest competitors, the Sun, People and Weekly Life and Style are in the 42% to 44% positive range. The Sun hardly counts, because it has less stories about celebrities than any other tab. One story about the canonization of Elvis, Princess Di and Michael Jackson can skew the entire data set.

Let me end this first review with the story that surprised me the most. The tabloids are available at my local newsstand and around the country on Thursdays, so I arrange the stories to dole them out in even dosages throughout the week, from about three to maybe six a day in a very busy week. In late February, I decided a story entitled "Paula Deen's divorce shocker!" was one of the least important stories of the week, so I didn't get around to it until Wednesday, the final day of the tabloid week.

This story is still the most popular page on my blog. About 20% of all my traffic to this website has been to this page since it was first put up.

Shows how much I know. And by the way, the headline was your usual overblown tabloid teaser headline and Ms. Deen's marriage is not in any real jeopardy at this time.

More slanderous stories tomorrow and fresh trash on Thursday, because that's how we roll at It's News 2 Them™.

On the rocks alert:
More details about Jesse James, man slut.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

In Touch broke this story twelve days ago, so I am giving then the last word of this week. There will probably be more new dirt on Thursday, but this is the last of the seven stories that were on this week's tabloids.

The story is mostly about Jesse's habits, and as you might expect, they are not savory. According to In Touch, he has had phone sex with his porn star ex-wife, he trolls the Internet looking for girls, he does not wear a condom during sex and Sandy is panicking about picking up an STD from the guy.

I'd like to tell Ms. Bullock that he probably doesn't need a condom during phone sex, but this guy is so sleazy, he might have figured out how to get a dose of the clap from a phone call.

Damn You Skinny Alert:
Kim and Britney getting in bikini shape

Publication: OK!
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

For female celebrities, the best publicity they can get from a tabloid is being put forward as a hot chick who looks good in skimpy clothes. Both Kim Kardashian and Britney Spears have had struggles with their weight, but OK! wants us to know they are trim enough to wear bikinis, and they will share their diet secrets with you.


Monday, March 29, 2010

Hairdresser Alert:
Ricky Martin comes out

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Ricky Martin, the Latin pop superstar who is the most famous former member of the Latin teenybopper band Menudo, has declared that he is homosexual. On his website, he made a statement about how much he loves his twin sons and how he feels very blessed. he ends the announcement with these two sentences.

I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am.

Good on ya, Ricky. I'm not a big fan of your music, but I'm happy to see you telling the truth. As my daddy told me when I was a lad, always tell the truth. It's easier to remember.

Love Bird Alert™:
Reese has a romantic birthday getaway with new beau.

Publication: People
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

This week has been light on stories and heavy on misery. I wasn't able to find two of the ten magazines (they may not publish every week), and Sandra Bullock's woes dominated the news cycle. But this late Monday, we have two positive stories.

The Gold Standard tells us that Reese Witherspoon has a romantic getaway fro her birthday with a new beau whose name is not given on the cover blurb.

This blog is pro-love down to the core and wishes her nothing but the best.

Bun In The Oven Alert™?:
Sandra Bullock WAS pregnant with Jesse James' baby

Publication: Star
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

Unlike Weekly Life & Style who say Sandy wanted Jesse James' baby, the Star says she was pregnant with his baby, but they use the word "was", so I am giving this one both a Bun In The Oven Alert and a No Bun In The Oven Alert simultaneously. They also mention grueling fertility tests.

The Star also says the divorce lawyers have already been called and has details on yet more mistresses.

It's this attention to detail and consistent focus on facts that give The Only Ten Magazines That Matter the solid reputation they have today.


On the rocks alert:
Sandra Bullock wanted Jesse James' baby

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

According to Weekly Life & Style, Sandra Bullock was devastated by all the cheating because she wanted Jesse James' baby.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

On the rocks alert:
Sandra Bullock's sadness

Publication: People
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

While there are seven different accounts of the Sandra Bullock-Jesse James unpleasantness this week, People is the most sympathetic and least intrusive. They include Jesse's double life on the cover, but they may the story mostly about Sandra, her sadness, how she found out and how it will change her relationship with her step kids.

This makes People magazine the kindest of the vultures. I am reminded of the lyrics from Road Movie To Berlin by They Might be Giants.

We were once so close to heaven, Peter came out and gave use medals
Declaring us the nicest of the damned.

Problems With Plastic Alert™:
Lots of people on Dancing With The Stars

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

Two stories about Dancing With The Stars this week, so I lump them together on a Sunday morning, when I hope my readers are either going to church or nursing a hangover, or maybe both.

I don't go to church and I didn't drink that much yesterday, though after writing these entries, I kind of wish I did.

Several of the celebrity contestants on DWTS this year have had plastic surgery. The names on the cover of The Flagship are Buzz Aldrin, Niecy Nash and Kate Gosselin. There's also a "guess who" picture of a woman's lower back, and my guess is it's Pamela Anderson, since it's already well known she has had P-L-E-N-T-Y of work done.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:
People not getting along on Dancing With The Stars

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

I don't watch this show. I currently don't have my TV hooked up to anything but a DVD, but even when I did, I never watched this show. Still, it's on the front cover of the tabs and it mentions names I know, so it's fit for this blog.

The names mentioned in the feud are Shannen Doherty (big surprise), Kate Gosselin (even bigger surprise) and Pamela Anderson (and here I though she was an angel).

Note: all comments in parentheses are meant to be taken sarcastically. (Like, duh!)

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Tara Reid's wedded bliss

Publication: In Touch
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

A few years back, Tara Reid was a regular in the tabloids. She dated a hell of a lot of athletes, she had plastic surgery nightmares, she was drunk in public more often than Paris Hilton and Britney Spears combined. Apparently, those days are over. She met some Internet entrepreneur, he proposed and they are getting married this summer in a small ceremony.

To all the young hot messes in the tabloids today, let this be a lesson to you.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Man Slut Alert:
Jesse James is a nasty piece of work.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

Jesse! Grab a brew from the fridge and welcome to the Man Slut lounge! That's John Edwards and John Mayer over there, discussing sexual napalm. Justin Timberlake said he might stop by later, but really, he's not in to hanging out with the guys and just chillin'. He's really into the lots and lots of poontang.

You can dig that, right?

The National Enquirer mentions Sandra Bullock, but only as a way to introduce Jesse James, then drag his name through the mud at least three times. Of course he's a man slut, at least 11 other women.

But how about domestic abuse? Yes, he's done that too, according the The Flagship.

We need one more character flaw to hit the trifecta. How about slurs against blacks, Hispanics, Jews and gays? Okay!

When the tabloids are finished with Jesse James, I don't think even meth dealers will be returning his calls.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:
Marie Osmond and ex-husband Steven Craig

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

I'm not sure of the rules. If one tabloid says someone is suicidal and another says a person has been saved from suicide, should that remove the person from the Not Long 4 This World list?

Clearly, I need a rabbi to clarify this conundrum of tabloidical law.

This is the Globe's first mention of Marie since her son's suicide, and their report says her first husband Steven Craig has saved her from suicide and they are getting re-married. Craig is not the biological father of the son who died. The relationship between her second husband Brian Blosil and the son who killed himself was not good. Blosil is a good Mormon, which means when it come to dealing with a gay son, he's a flaming asshole creep.

Not that I want to pass judgment.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Bun In The Oven Alert™?:
Beyoncé is expecting

Publication: mediatakeout.com
Date: 25 Mar. 2010

One of the online gossip sources says that singer/actress/low flying angel Beyoncé Knowles is pregnant for the first time. Her publicist denies it.

Matty Boy, is this just a cheap ploy to put a picture of Beyoncé on the blog?

Hypothetical question asker, how dare you use her name and the word cheap in the same sentence. I will now express sham outrage at nearly Republican levels.

Hypothetical question asker calls Beyoncé cheap! When will he apologize to her AND to the American people? Shame, I say, shame!

Bun In The Oven Alert™?:
Elin is pregnant and that's the reason she won't dump Tiger

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

The Tiger Woods mistress stories were front page news in the National Enquirer in late November 2009. That means four full months have come and gone and there's been no resolution, either her taking him back or divorcing his cheating ass, as well as other cheating body parts. What gives?

According to the Globe, Elin is pregnant with Tiger's child, and that is the reason for the delay. We have to expect they haven't been having regular sex during all this mess, so within five months, we should know if it's true or not.

On the rocks alert:
Sandra married to a monster

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

Is this picture perfect or what? It's just a single moment in time, who knows what happened before or after, but she looks a little tipsy and clingy, while he may be dressed up nice, he's just a villain deep down.

The specific details in Us Weekly are about how Sandy found out, that she's shattered and that the first of many women who said they had sex with Jesse, tattooed fetish model Michelle (Bombshell) McGee, has Nazi connections. Pictures of her wearing swastika armbands have already been published online.

Late to the Party alert:
Fess Parker's sad secret

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

Once again, some celebrity dies and the tabloids gave no warning, so the vultures have to pick over the bones of the deceased.

Fess Parker was a star before I was in kindergarten and he invested his money from his acting career wisely in real estate and the wine business. He was 85 when he passed away, but the Globe wants you to know he had a sad secret he took with him to the grave, though if they know about it, just how secret could it be?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

A plug for the place that makes it happen:
DeLauer's Newsstand in Oakland

This blog would be impossible without a place where I can get the headlines from all of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and that means I get on my bicycle every Thursday and visit DeLauer's News Stand in downtown Oakland. As you can see from the sign, the place has been a fixture on Broadway (between 13th and 14th Sts.) since 1907. It's currently owned by some very nice guys from Ethiopia, and even though I don't buy the magazines, I try to give them some patronage when I go in and treat their business like a browsing library.

DeLauer's is conveniently located near the 12th Street BART station and their selection of magazines and periodicals of all kinds is second to none. I know that this blog is read by people all over the place, but if you are local to the San Francisco Bay Area, why not stop by and give DeLauer's a look see? It's your one stop place to shop for periodicals of all kinds.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:
Jesse James' daughter's tearful plea to Sandy!

Publication: OK!
Date 5 Apr. 2010

I could have lumped all the Sandra Bullock related headlines into one post, but it wouldn't do the story justice. I've seen only eight of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter so far this week, and seven of them have Sandy on the cover. She is officially the new Queen of Heartbreak, and pretenders to the throne like Jennifer Aniston and Elin Nordegren are going to get a break from the vultures of the press for at least this week and probably a little longer.

I open with the most pathetic of the stories, and by that I mean the one that inspires the most pathos. According to OK!, the daughter of Jesse James begged for "mommy to come home", though technically, the little girl's biological mother is the porn star Janine Lindemulder.

I will resort to posting these stories in the morning for the rest of the week, because you are going to feel the need for a shower after reading each and every one.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:
Camilla Parker-Bowles

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 Apr. 2010

New headlines on Thursday! This week, a lot of the tabs have less stories on the front page because a lot of that space was given to their new favorite story, poor Sandra Bullock and the despicable scumbag Jesse James.

The Globe must think they are published in the U.K. given how often they use the front page to talk about the royal family. Back in December, we were told that old Liz Windsor was dying, and this week it's her nasty daughter-in-law who is soon to kick the bucket, with liver failure as the listed proximate cause.

This is really a Demon Rum Alert disguised as Not Long 4 This World story, but they used the word "dying", so I am classifying this as the 22nd person this year the tabloids have told us are on death's door. As of the beginning of spring, all 22 are still alive. A more detailed score card will be posted at the end of the month.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

On The Rocks update:
Kate Winslet split

Publication: People
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

In the last story from the tabloid headlines this week, People tells us what we already know through the regular press, Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet are divorcing.

Mending fences alert:
Tatum consoles Ryan O'Neal after Farrah's death

Publication: Globe
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Ryan and Tatum O'Neal have long been estranged, mostly because he's a scumbag, but they are reconciling now as Tatum tries to console her father after Farrah Fawcett's death.

Family trouble can get crazy. I wish them all the best.

Rich people are rich alert: Tim and Faith's $3 million mansion

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

The Examiner is one of the most negative tabloids, but they have one positive headline this week, a tour of the swanky digs owned by the Number One couple in country music, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw.

I guess I should be positive, too. She's purdy. Why she thinks a gizmo from the auto parts store makes a nice necklace, I'll never know, but I certainly don't have a $3 million mansion, so who am I to judge?

As for Tim, two words: sun screen.

On the rocks alert:
Kourtney and Scott, the lie to end it all.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Haters gonna hate, and nobody drinks the Kourtney and Scott Hater-ade as much as the writers and editors down at In Touch magazine. This week they tell us about the lie that will end it all.

Consider for a moment that there is a ex-journalism major, a college graduate whose job is now sifting through the trash some source feeds In Touch about this couple and turning it into punchy, grammatically correct sentences EVERY FREAKING WEEK.

The things we do to pay off our student loans.

Love Bird Alert™:
Kourtney and Scott are solid.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow! Until then, we clean up the week's odds and ends.

Us Weekly is one of the tabs on the side of Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick, and they want us to know that the couple is solid.

This is nice to know, because when I read all this gas, it makes me want to drink a lot of liquids, especially smooth, frosty liquids best served in chilled pint mugs.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Bun In The Oven Alert™?:
Jessica's surprise baby plans

Publication: OK!
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

OK! goes with its standard vague headline. Right now, Jessica Simpson is allegedly between boyfriends, as even sexual napalm needs a little "me time" every now and then. If she has secret baby plans, they are currently really, really secret.

Damn You Skinny Alert:
Diet tips from two Kardashian sisters

Publication: OK!
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

OK! tends to be nice to the Kardashian sisters, and this week is no exception. They get to tell their diet secrets, including the habits that some might think aren't helping. Little Kim with the super sized booty loves smoothies, for example, while Khloe, the tall but forgotten Kardashian, likes to have a big breakfast.

Damn You Skinny Alert:
Marie Osmond collapses, weighs 109 pounds

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

The rest of the tabloid world is leaving Marie Osmond alone in her time of grief, but the Enquirer keeps hammering away at her. Their latest cover story is that she has collapsed and now weighs 109 pounds, which is at least ten pounds underweight for a 5'5" woman.

When one magazine keeps running with negative stories about someone, it usually means they have a well placed source. I hope Marie can find out who it is and stop talking to that person.

Damn You Fat Alert™:
Kirstie Alley on Sex, Drugs and Diets

Publication: In Touch
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Kirstie Alley has a reality show about weight loss premiering on Sunday, so In Touch has an interview with her about sex, drugs and diets, because who cares what Kirstie Alley thinks about rock 'n' roll, am I right?

Monday, March 22, 2010

On the rocks alert:
Tiger gives Elin a LOT of money, but she still wants a divorce.

Publication: Globe
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Maybe this is the torture The Flagship mentioned. According to the Globe, Tiger has given Elin $150 million, but she still won't call off the divorce.

As far as I know, no one has actually filed for divorce yet in any court. Stay tuned.

On the rocks alert:
Elin tortures Tiger

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Two stories about Tiger and Elin this afternoon. The Flagship says Elin is torturing Tiger.

Liz Cheney says it's just advanced interrogation techniques.

On the rocks alert:
What Laura Bush is hiding

Publication: Globe
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Bad news about the marriages of George W. and Laura or Barack and Michelle are usually in the Globe, though there has been one in the Examiner. This time, it's about the stuff that won't be in Laura Bush's book when it finally comes out.

The three vague statements on the cover are Bush's suicide fears, the "other" woman in quotation marks (probably Condi) and the bitter divorce duel.

They have been pushing this divorce story forever. Until it goes on the court docket, I remain skeptical.

Comfy Shoes Alert™:
Stedman walks out due to Oprah's BIG GAY LIE!

Publication: Globe
Date 29 Mar. 2010

We've heard this story before, haven't we? The Flagship ran with this back in January, but now it's Stedman walking out because of Oprah's cover-up, with no discussion of any BIG GAY LIE in his life.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

On the rocks alert:
How much more can Elizabeth Edwards take?

Publication: People
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

The part of the human race that actually have feelings have to be on Elizabeth Edwards' side in this train wreck of a marriage, or so thinks The Gold Standard. They look at the recent Rielle Hunter interview in Vanity Fair, a train wreck even from Rielle Hunter's point of view, and they wonder what Ms. Edwards must think.

The National Enquirer, on the other hand, takes the Joker's point of view. They just want to see the world burn.

Or is that the Republican Party platform?

On the rocks alert:
Elizabeth Edwards' revenge

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Two stories about Elizabeth Edwards in the tabs this week, though both also deal with the only reasons she's in the tabs, her trampy husband John and the crazy slut he loves, Rielle Hunter.

The Flagship says she has told the slut in question, "You'll never marry my husband!"

I think that should be amended to "as long as I'm alive."

Problems With Plastic Alert™:
Cher's $149,000 makeover disaster

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

The National Examiner is the Old Timer gossip leader this week. The people on their cover who were famous before I left high school include Bea Arthur, Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell, Elizabeth Taylor and the topic of this post, Cher.

I can't find any pictures of the $149,000 disaster the Examiner is talking about, so I just chose a recent picture that makes her look like what she is, and attractive woman over 60 trying in vain to look like she's under 50.

Problems With Plastic Alert™:
MacKenzie Phillips' new $50,000 face

Publication: In Touch
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Mackenzie Phillips spent $50,000 to get the look you see on the right.

The easiest way to tell before and after pictures of this sort is to check which picture looks most like a puffy lipped zombie. That would be the "after".

Bad Mom and Dad Alert™:
Celebrity Kids spoiled rotten

Publications: Star, Us Weekly
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Both Star and Us Weekly have cover stories about the lives of little kids of celebrities. Both magazines include Suri Cruise (pictured above) and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, but the Star also goes after Halle Berry's kid Nahla, Nicole Richie's Harlow, Matthew McConaughey's son Levi and Tori Spelling's daughter Stella.

In a small gesture of believing in privacy for people who aren't in kindergarten yet, the tags I gave are for the parents, not the kids. Little kids should be happy being surprised by friendly dogs, not plastered on the covers of gossip rags. I hope both of these magazines sell poorly enough this week to convince the publishers not to do this again.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Demon Drugs Alert:
Whitney Houston back to rehab

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

The story has already been denied up and down by her people, but The Flagship has a source that says Whitney Houston will be going back to drug rehab. While the picture I found is not very flattering, the Enquirer's front page pic is a nightmare. They say she was found sweaty, dazed and confused, and the picture backs that up and then some. She's wearing sunglasses and a hat and if you told me it was a picture of John Lee Hooker back in the day wearing a wig for some reason, I would have believed you.

On the rocks alert:
Jennifer Love Hewitt says she's a "love addict"

Publication: People
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

There have been several celebrity break-ups that the supermarket rags have ignored completely, but now People weighs in on the break-up of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy, who were together about a year. She says she's worried about going back out on the singles scene.

And by the way, her eyes are up near the top of the picture.

On the rocks alert:
Tori's marriage crisis

Publication: Weekly Life and Style
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Do we care if Tori Spelling marriage is in trouble? Is Tori Spelling a big enough star that we only have to call her by her first name?

If "we" includes the editors of Weekly Life and Style, the answers to both questions are yes. If not, the results are not as clear cut.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:
Kendra loses 10 pounds in 10 days

Publication: OK!
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Even the stories you know she approved don't put Kendra Wilkinson in a very favorable light. She posed for a bikini picture back in February, but that appears to be much more about Photoshop than in does about abdominal crunches. Now she tells us she lost 10 pounds in 10 days.

Given that she weighs 115 pounds when she is in "let me take my clothes off" shape, I'm pretty sure that quick of a weight loss is not something most doctors would recommend.

You So Crazy Alert™:
The real Kendra Wilkinson story

Publication: Star
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

From what I can tell, Kendra talks to the tabloids a lot. This story comes from a source that isn't Kendra and doesn't like Kendra very much. According to the headlines, Kendra went on cocaine binges, was prone to cutting herself and spent some time in a psychiatric ward.

And here we thought she was just a nice wholesome girl who took off her clothes in public and slept with a creepy geezer old enough to be her great-grandfather so she could be rich and famous.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Jen's message to Brad

Publication: OK!
Date 29 Mar. 2010

I wasn't sure this day would come, but technically, there is no story about BrAngelina this week in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter. There are some stories about the kids of the stars, but nothing about Brad and Angelina as a couple.

Jennifer Aniston sent a message to Brad. Aren't you dying to know what it is?

Yeah, me neither.

On the rocks alert:
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel

Publication: In Touch
Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Just in case you had forgotten, man slut Justin Timberlake is currently in a long term relationship with actress Jessica Biel, which should mean exotic dancers, tattooed or otherwise, are off the menu. In Touch tells us they are ready to split.