Thursday, December 30, 2010

Year end review:
death predictions.

Nearly every one of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter will take a hand at predicting that some celebrity is pregnant. Even the Sun, the one tabloid that usually leaves celebrities alone and focuses on the end of the world and psychics, had one prediction of a pregnancy, and that was Ellen DeGeneres.

Only the Three Wicked Step Sisters, the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner, predict deaths. Sometimes, a celebrity who is very ill will let their prognosis be known and most who do that will talk to People, as Elizabeth Edwards did.

Let me split both the successes and failures of death predictions this year into categories.

The big "success": Gary Coleman

Often, when a celebrity is hospitalized one of the Three Wicked Step Sisters will say that person is going to die. Last year, they were right about Michael Jackson in this way. This year, they were right about Gary Coleman.

Yeah, we already knew that: Dennis Hopper and Elizabeth Edwards

Both Hopper and Edwards went public with their bad prognoses, so these hardly counts as predictions.

Picking on old people: Barbara Billingsley

Barbara Billingsley was in her nineties and the story of her imminent demise was started when it came out she had called both her TV sons Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers and let them know she wasn't well. That happened in late 2009 and she died in October 2010.

Not all that old, but not at all well: Tony Curtis and Rue McLanahan

Curtis was 75 and McLanahan was 76 this year, which is a few years younger than the average U.S. life expectancy, but the tabloid vulture had been talking about their poor health for a while.

The many, many failures

Here are people who have been marked for death by the tabloids this year and the reason for each dire prediction.

Kirstie Alley (fat)
Oprah Winfrey (fat)
Sandy Brooks (cancer)
Cher (a drama queen they just don't like)
Rush Limbaugh (fat)
Michael Douglas (cancer)
Whitney Houston (serious hot mess)
Aretha Franklin (cancer)
Bill Clinton (hospitalized for heart trouble)
Dick Clark (old and infirm)
Andy Griffith (old)
Anne Francis (old and infirm)
Annette Funicello (infirm)
Billy Graham (old)
Bob Barker (old)
Bret Michaels (hospitalized)
Burt Reynolds (old)
Charlie Daniels (hospitalized)
Doris Day (old)
Elizabeth Taylor (old and a drama queen)
George H.W. Bush (old)
James Garner (old)
Jerry Lee Lewis (old)
Liza Minnelli (drama queen)
Lindsay Lohan (hot mess)
Loretta Lynn (old)
Merle Haggard (old)
Mike Connors (old)
Queen Elizabeth II (old)
Robert Schuller (old)
Wayne Newton (drama queen)
Zsa Zsa Gabor (old and infirm)
Camilla Parker-Bowles (drunken bitch on wheels)
Charlie Sheen (serious hot mess)
Joanne Woodward (old and mourning)
Kirk Douglas (old)
Pamela Anderson (liver problems)
Penny Marshall (fat)
Paris Hilton (hot mess)
Joran van der Sloot (may be killed by other prisoners)
Willie Nelson (old)
Paula Abdul (hot mess)
Sarah Ferguson (serious hot mess)
Tori Spelling (was too skinny)
Angelina Jolie (they just don't like her)
Betty White (old)
Britney Spears (hot mess)
Eminem (hot mess)
Frank Sinatra's grandson (suicidal)
Heidi Montag (hot mess and drama queen)
Kiefer Sutherland (hot mess)
Kirsten Dunst (hot mess)
Lisa Marie Presley (fat)
Mariah Carey (fat, later determined to be pregnant)
Marie Osmond (suicidal, got better)
Mel Gibson (suicidal, yeah right)
Michael J. Fox (Parkinson's)
Portia De Rossi (was too skinny)
Katherine Jackson (old and mourning)

For those keeping track, that's 6-58, which as a batting average comes out to a ridiculously bad .094.

Of course, unlike the pregnancy predictions, eventually everyone on this list will die, just not according to any time table set by the tabloid vultures.


Karen Zipdrive said...

I spotted a few people on your list that I hope improve the tabloids' lousy batting average.

Matty Boy said...

Clarence Darrow is given credit for the quote, "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Karen Zipdrive said...

Ain't it the truth.