Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Nine month review: Birth and death announcements.

Here's the long and short of it. Tabloids suck at predicting stuff and they shine at making stuff up.

Death predictions

I would like to say here for the record that deaths do not come in threes. This is a complete myth. How do you count them? How long a period of time should we count? It's nonsense, but people still believe it.

I say this now because of all the 56 people the supermarket rags have predicted would be dead and right soon this year, exactly three have died as of late October.

Gary Coleman, Dennis Hopper and Rue McLanahan.

And they all died within a week of each other.

Did I say death does not come in threes? I still stand by every word.

Instead of listing all 53 people who are still alive, let me list the people added to the list in the past three months, all of whom are still alive, and put them in useful categories that explain why they were marked for death by the tabs, mostly by the Three Wicked Step Sisters, the Globe, Enquirer and Examiner.

You are sick and old and you are going to die: Annette Funicello, Bob Barker, Jerry Lee Lewis, Joanne Woodward, Robert Schuller, Tony Curtis, Wayne Newton, Zsa Zsa Gabor

You are old and you are going to die: Betty White, George H.W. Bush

We just don't like you and we wish you would die: Angelina Jolie, Frank Sinatra's grandson (suicide attempt), Heidi Montag, Lindsay Lohan, Lisa Marie Presley, Mel Gibson, Pamela Anderson, Paula Abdul

Again, let me say the tabloids suck at prediction, but prediction is hard. Zsa Zsa Gabor is 93, was found in a pool of blood after falling because her hip broke, was taken to the hospital, there was nothing they could do so she went home to die in the comfort of her own home and SHE IS STILL ALIVE nine weeks later.

Prediction? Hard? Yes. Harder still when you just make stuff up.

Pregnancy predictions

It should be easier to get pregnancy news right than to predict deaths, but the supermarket rags suck at this, too, because they love to speculate. Here are the new women put on the preggers list.

Carrie Underwood, Chelsea Clinton, Ellen Degeneres, Kate Middleton, Kourtney Kardashian, Melissa Smith (skanky ho linked to Jesse James YEARS ago)

Not one of these is confirmed. They just make stuff up.



2 comments:

Karen Zipdrive said...

Math schmath, celebrity deaths do come in threes: one minor, one less minor and one major.
That comedian guy who OD'd, Tony Curtis and now watch for some middlin' celeb to bite the dust next.

Matty Boy said...

I love the math. The schmath, not so much.

Since Tuesday, we've had Gloria Stewart from "Titanic", the director Arthur Penn of "Bonnie and Clyde" fame, a character actor named Joe Mantell from "Marty" and "Chinatown", Greg Giraldo and now Tony Curtis. If we go back a week, then Eddie Fisher is included.

In terms of fame, none of them deserve to be in a trio with Tony Curtis. Fisher might be the closest just because they were both successful Jewish guys banging the hottest broads in Hollywood, but that's a stretch and there isn't a third person for that group.