Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The all-important three month review

This is not just a blog for tabloid headlines and snarky comments. The idea of the blog was to keep track of the tabloids, to report on what they got right and what they got wrong. I've had fun expanding the types of stories I will report, including enboobening alerts and hairdresser alerts, but the core of this blog's original mandate was to report the verifiable stuff and keep score. This is the first scorecard.

The tabloids have told us 22 people are dying or will die within some time frame. Brave Last Days or Sad Last Days are supposed to be just that, a warning that someone has a few weeks to live, maybe a few months at the outside. Then there are the reports that read "xxx dying!" or "yyy has so many months to live!" These are reports of lower urgency on the color coded list.

Brave Last Days reports: Elizabeth Taylor, Burt Reynolds, Loretta Lynn (twice), Gary Coleman, Charlie Daniels, Rue McClanahan, Barbara Billingsley, Dennis Hopper (twice), Dick Clark.

As of 7:00 pm Pacific time on 30 March 2010, all these people are still alive.

Not Long 4 This World reports: Camilla Parker-Bowles, Marie Osmond (suicidal), Bill Clinton, Whitney Houston, Britney Spears, Eminem, Paris Hilton, Kirsten Dunst, Queen Elizabeth II, Portia DeRossi.

As of 7:00 pm Pacific time on 30 March 2010, all these people are still alive.

Expiration Date reports: Rush Limbaugh, Kirstie Alley, Oprah Winfrey.

As of 7:00 pm Pacific time on 30 March 2010, all these people are still alive.

Here is a list of people at about the same level of fame that died in the past three months without any warning alert from the gutter press.

Corey Haim, Peter Graves, Fess Parker, Robert Culp, Merlin Olsen.

For the record: 23 warnings, 0 deaths so far. 5 deaths without warnings of people at about the same level of fame.

The tabloids told us about many break-ups. The truly verifiable are the reports of divorce. Rich people can "come to an understanding", but if one of them actually wants to get married again, then they have to divorce and that has to be public. Here are the couples we have been told will divorce in the tabloids.

On the rocks, but no divorce proceedings yet: Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods, Laura and George W. Bush, Charles and Camilla, Trisha Yearwood and Garth Brooks, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Michelle and Barack Obama, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, Paula Deen and her husband, Phil McGraw and his wife, Larry and Shawn King.

Reports in the tabloids and some legal action has been taken: Benny Hinn and his wife, Paul and Anna Anka, John and Elizabeth Edwards (legally separated). There is a report of divorce proceedings by Sandra Bullock against Jesse James on Radar online, but no verification in a non-gossip source.

There are also the divorces and separations that took place but did not get reported in the tabloids first.

Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet, Jenny and Mark Sanford, Dennis and Victoria Hopper, Karl and Darcy Rove, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins

That's three hits, ten swings and misses, four called strikes and one foul tip.

Here's another verifiable event. The end of the world.

Let me go on record here for anyone unclear on the concept. Nostradamus? Edgar Cayce? Dr. Harold Camping? You Friggin' Mayans? I gotcher end of the world RIGHT HERE!

Of course, we are talking about the future and no one truly knows the future. The end of the world could come to pass as one of these wankers predicted, and boy, will my face be red!

Actually, it could be charred beyond recognition or crushed under tons of debris, but you get the idea.

So far, we have not reached any of the dates yet predicted for the coming end times, though a few of them will come before the next review in late June and the beginning of the End Times is slated for September 11, 2010, an easy date to remember.


Positive and negative tabloids: Not all tabloids are created equal. Some are going for sensationalistic stories that slam celebrities. Some suck up to the celebrities and promise to tell their side of the stories.

Jackal of the Press award: In nearly a flat-footed tie, the National Enquirer is the most negative tabloid with only 10% positive stories, followed by the National Examiner at 11% positive.

Biggest Suck Up award: OK! magazine is by far the most positive tab, with 64% of stories putting celebrities in a positive light. The nearest competitors, the Sun, People and Weekly Life and Style are in the 42% to 44% positive range. The Sun hardly counts, because it has less stories about celebrities than any other tab. One story about the canonization of Elvis, Princess Di and Michael Jackson can skew the entire data set.

Let me end this first review with the story that surprised me the most. The tabloids are available at my local newsstand and around the country on Thursdays, so I arrange the stories to dole them out in even dosages throughout the week, from about three to maybe six a day in a very busy week. In late February, I decided a story entitled "Paula Deen's divorce shocker!" was one of the least important stories of the week, so I didn't get around to it until Wednesday, the final day of the tabloid week.

This story is still the most popular page on my blog. About 20% of all my traffic to this website has been to this page since it was first put up.

Shows how much I know. And by the way, the headline was your usual overblown tabloid teaser headline and Ms. Deen's marriage is not in any real jeopardy at this time.

More slanderous stories tomorrow and fresh trash on Thursday, because that's how we roll at It's News 2 Them™.


susan s. said...

Who is Kirsten Dunst?

Matty Boy said...

She was in The Virgin Suicides, the Spider-Man movies and Bogdanovich's The Cat's Meow and a whole bunch of other stuff near the top of the cast list. She definitely counts as a movie star.

Anonymous said...

Matty, I'll make this prediction, thanks to your excellent writing skills, that somewhere there's an attorney out there who will read this and keep it for a major lawsuit against a pub you name herein. Those stats are rock solid and didn't we already know these fluff papers only appeal to a certain cult element? They treat these celebrities like Gods. It's their church. But who can be everywhere all the time is the problem so they make stuff up. Michelle and Barack are breaking up? Now don't ya think that would headline FOX daily!!??!! if it were true?

Matty Boy said...

Thanks for the kind words. Some lawyer might very well put together a lawsuit, but I'm not sure my blog will be a good source for them. Libel and slander are about "you lied in this particular instance about this particular person" and I don't know that you can sue someone for lying regularly about a whole mess of people.

With nonsense like the National Enquirer being nominated for a Pulitzer, it's time someone reminded the world of how bad a job these papers do on a week in, week out basis.

I'm having fun providing that service.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Hmm the end of days is suppost to start on Sept. 11 of this year?
I'll be in Paris, so if it ends, bury me in Pere Lachaise, as close to Edith Piaf as possible.