Sunday, January 31, 2010

On The Rocks Update: Angie calls the lawyer

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 8 Feb. 2010

There are five tabloid covers telling us that BrAngelina are through this week and one that says they are still together. Life & Style says she's called the lawyers, which is also reported in Us Weekly.

They were seen together in public last night at the Directors Guild Of America awards, supporting Brad's movie Inglourious Basterds and rooting for Quentin Tarantino as he took away a plaque that signifies being nominated.

Who are going to believe? The tabloids, honest as the day is long, or your own lying eyes?

Demon Rum Alert™: Drunken White House Parties!

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 Feb. 2010

The Globe, the tabloid that usually reports on presidential marital troubles, let the Examiner take that story this week, because they wanted to go with a big headline about drunken White House parties.

The Obama White House admits to having hosted cocktail parties, but now the Globe tells you what really happens behind closed doors with your taxpayer dollars.

Because as you know, one day you are enjoying a scotch in your own home, and the next day you are breaking into a bank after hours with a loaded revolver. That's how this sort of thing starts.

Demon Rum Alert™: Rip Torn arrested

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 30 Jan. 2010

Here is a major problem with the tabloid business model. All of them are published once a week on Thursday, and celebrities are being idiots 24/7.

Take for example Rip Torn, a fine actor with a silly but memorable name. Not content with having been arrested for drunk driving, which he already has been three times in his life, the 78 year old actor was arrested in Connecticut on Friday night for breaking into a local bank after hours with a loaded revolver while loaded himself.

I see no way that this cleverly thought out plan could fail.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

On The Rocks Alert: Michelle Obama is jealous

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 Feb. 2010

Usually, it's the Globe that goes with the stories about presidential marriages falling apart, but this week the Examiner gets on the bandwagon as well. Michelle is jealous of somebody, but the cover doesn't say who.

The Globe does have a White House story this week, but it's not about the dissolution of the Obama marriage. More on that tomorrow.

On the Rocks Alert: BrAngelina in sharp detail

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 8 Feb. 2010

There are six BrAngelina headlines this week, and they all seem to be re-hashing the same information. Us Weekly has four teasers to their story on the inside.

1) Brad and Angelina had a screaming fight.
2) She has contacted her lawyers.
3) She says he can't do anything right.
4) Brad and Jennifer Aniston met at the Hope For Haiti Telethon.

Number four can be verified. All the plans they have for a future together after seeing each other at the telethon, I would take with a grain of salt.

I would recommend a grain the size of the blocks they give to cows.

Friday, January 29, 2010

On The Rocks Alert: Camilla scarier in person

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 Feb. 2010

If we are to believe the tabloids, Camilla Parker-Bowles is quite the hellcat. In the Globe reports from this week, Jug Eared Chuck was forced to beat a hasty retreat when the little missus threw one of her patented alcohol fueled hissy fits.

For me, abolishing the monarchy is like legalizing pot. The arguments in favor make so much sense, I can't believe it isn't already a done deal.

On the Rocks Alert: Brad and Jen's secret trip

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 8 Feb. 2010

My best guesstimate for the number of BrAngelina stories this year on the tabloid covers is 175, or about 3.5 per week. This week, there are six.

All of the stories except for one are about the couple breaking up, and Jennifer Aniston is mentioned by name as the home wrecker several times. The extra fun detail in the Star is that Brad and Jen had a secret trip to Santa Barbara.

Once again, I've put the under/over at 175 BrAngelina tabloid cover stories this year. Any takers?

Brave Last Days Alert: Rue McClanahan, Dick Clark, Dennis Hopper, Barbara Billingsley - UPDATED

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 Feb. 2010

For the first time this year, a supermarket tabloid has put a Brave Last Days story on the front page, mentioning four celebrities by name. Technically, it's a Sad Last Days alert, but I won't split hairs. All the names have appeared before on the covers or on the tabloid websites regarding health problems, one is new to this blog.

There have been stories of health problems for Rue McClanahan, but none of them said she was near death before. As always, this blog wishes nothing but the best for anyone mentioned in one of these posts.

UPDATE: Rue McClanahan died on June 3, 2010.

Dick Clark is also mentioned.

Likewise Dennis Hopper. It's odd to me how this counterculture character gets mentioned along with folks from much more mainstream entertainment.

UPDATE: Dennis Hopper died on May 29, 2010.

And last but not least, Barbara Billingsley gets her picture on the cover.

UPDATE: Barbara Billingsley died on October 16, 2010.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

On the Rocks Alert: Oprah and Stedman's

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 8 Feb. 2010

Gosh, when was the last time you heard the name Stedman? Haven't he and Oprah been a "couple" for absolutely ever? When are those two lovebirds gonna get hitched?

Well, they aren't. Ever.

And this is according to The Flagship, so you know it's well sourced, if not entirely true.

They won't marry because their love is A BIG GAY LIE!

His life is A BIG GAY LIE!

Her life is A BIG GAY LIE!


I'm using ALL CAPS because the Enquirer used ALL CAPS on their cover. ALL CAPS just screams CREDIBILITY!!!!

When asked for a comment, Stedman replied:

Sorry, I had to go with this joke. It was the low hanging fruit.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

On The Rocks Alert: Elizabeth Edwards dumps John

Publication: People
Date: 8 Feb. 2010

If I'm going to call the Enquirer The Flagship, People should be dubbed The Gold Standard. They don't get a lot of stuff wrong. Elizabeth Edwards has finally told her scumbag husband to pack his bags.

Good for you, Liz. We the people who glance at the cover of People are behind you 1000%.

Note: This cover won't be on the stands until tomorrow! See what great service you get here at It's News 2 Them™?

Love Bird Alert™: Tiger wants Elin back and she's considering it

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

The Globe has the headline last week, "Tiger wants back in". Several other sources have been following up on this line since.

I have no idea if it's true, just like almost every other story reported here. Would she possibly take him back?

You may be asking the wrong person here. For those of you new to reading my stuff, I know a heck of a lot about math, and next to nothing about women.

Love Bird Alert™: Jennifer Aniston dating Gerard Butler

Publication: Star Magazine, People
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

The new tabloids come out tomorrow, so let's end this week's tabloid headlines with some happier stories, shall we? According to both the Star and People, Jennifer Aniston is dating Gerard Butler, the Scottish actor who has been in big roles in major motion pictures, but for most folks is still the screaming guy with the screaming abs in 300. The Star claims "steamy new photos" while People goes with this shot from a red carpet. They met on the set of The Bounty Hunter, a movie that will be released this year.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

On the rocks alert: Angelina cheating with her dialect coach

Publication: In Touch
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

There have been a lot of rumors of infidelity swirling about BrAngelina, with the tabloids accusing both parties of being unfaithful. This week, In Touch claims Angelina Jolie had sex with her dialect coach, which just shows her commitment in preparing for a role. The more interesting tidbit is that the magazine named their source on the cover, a former maid to the happy couple named Anna Kowalski. I hope InTouch paid Ms. Kowalski a bundle, because if she's going to blab like this, she will never iron a shirt in this town again.

I think I understand the cultural and historical significance of BrAngelina after about a month of reading tabloid headlines. Jennifer Aniston is Debbie Reynolds, Angelina is Liz Taylor and Brad Pitt is Eddie Fisher. I have no idea who will be playing Richard Burton in this re-enactment, but I'm pretty sure it won't be a dialect coach.

Love Bird Alert™: Rihanna's new boyfriend has a violent past

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

Last year, Rihanna went from being well-known for being a singer who looks reeeeallllllly good to a tabloid fixture when it became public knowledge that her then boyfriend singer Chris Brown beat her up. Now, she's dating Matt Kemp of the Los Angeles Dodgers, and a former girlfriend of Kemp's has come forward to say that Kemp was violent with her.

Rihanna: great taste in make-up artists and hair stylists, not such great taste in men.

Monday, January 25, 2010

He Fought The Law Alert™: Gary Coleman

(photo: Associated Press/Utah County Jail)

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

What happens when you get stopped in Utah and there is a warrant out on you for missing a court appearance? You get arrested, dog.

What happens when you go to print every Thursday and Gary Coleman gets arrested on a weekend? You get scooped, dog. The Associated Press steals your sad tabloid thunder.

There will be a lot of tabloid fail because of their weekly publication status.

On The Rocks Alert: Why Brad's fuming

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

I must remind first time readers that all I do here is report on headlines on the supermarket checkout magazines. The headline in Us this week was just the three word statement "Why Brad's fuming". To find out why, I'd actually have to read the magazine, and I have promised myself to do as little of that as possible.

Another headline which will be reported tomorrow may give vital information regarding Brad's bad mood.

On The Rocks Alert: Dog The Bounty Hunter in the doghouse

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

I really don't care about reality TV stars, but that's just a sign that I'm not a good American in the 21st Century. According to The Flagship, Dog's wife threw him out. They got married in 2006 after being together for sixteen years and having several kids. You don't want to rush into a decision like that.

I get the feeling this isn't the first time she's had to show the Dog the door.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Love Bird Alert™: BrAngelina not breaking up

Publication: People website
Date: 24 Jan. 2010

Just so we have all bases covered, People is reporting on their website that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are NOT breaking up. While it wasn't tabloid news, they were seen together in New York City on a date last week and they donated one million dollars to Haiti earthquake relief. People has several anonymous sources that say everything is fine, which makes them unique among the supermarket rags.

While I am not the gambler I once was, if People says red and the National Enquirer says black, I say put a big bet on red.

You So Crazy Alert™: Kirstie Alley flips out

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

The Flagship has decided that most of the cover should be given to Kirstie Alley this week. Hey, if you are going to put her on the cover, she's going to take up most of the cover anyway! Am I right?

Ha, ha. Fat joke.

Kirstie made some jokes about eating dogs and children and "pretends" to be dating hunky actors. She also made some depressed statements about doing herself harm, and The Flagship thought all of us should know about this.

On a slightly serious note, I feel for Kirstie Alley. She's just turned 59 years old, so it's not like she's ever going to look as hot as she did 30 years ago. I'm over 50 and I'm overweight, and if every conversation about me began and ended with "Jeez, that guy let himself go! Why is he so fat?", there might be some You So Crazy Alert™ about me, too, assuming I was a celebrity people actually wanted to talk about.

In conclusion, a note to young actresses. If you get a chance to play a hot Vulcan chick in a movie or on TV, turn it down. This never ends well.

You So Crazy Alert™: Kate Snaps Again

Publication: In Touch
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

I don't watch reality TV, so I have no particular interest in whether Kate Gosselin is the worst person in the world or if that title should go to her estranged husband Jon. (Actually, in the tabloids Jon and Kate are fighting it out to see who will try to knock the reigning champion of all things evil Angelina Jolie off her dark imperial throne.) But once again, Kate was photographed slapping one of the kids around, and the tabloids love these pictures almost as much as they love a good drunken celebrity nipple slip.

I know Obama is planning to round us all up into re-education camps, but couldn't he start by taking the Gosselin kids and the Octomom brood into some kind of protective governmental custody? It would produce a lot of positive press just in case the health care bill passes and the death panels start going ahead full steam.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Pat Sajak wants Regis Philbin's job

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

While some of the media is making a fuss over the Jay vs. Conan kerfuffle, the Globe magazine is giving us the straight poop about the celebrity feud of greatest interest to people who think Steve Allen is still hosting The Tonight Show.

Pat Sajak, that fast rising upstart whose career aspirations know no bounds, has made it known he wants the job of top dog Regis Philbin. Regis, fit and relaxed at 78 years old, is not much interested in handing over the baton to the younger generation, and the 63 year old Sajak will just have to wait his turn.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

On the Rocks update: Angelina's secret adoption

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

According to the tabloids, BrAngelina have already broken up. According to The Flagship, Angelina has secretly adopted yet another kid after Brad left her.

For those of you who are reeling trying to keep up with all the weird and conflicting details, remember that in the tabloids, Brad Pitt is a good looking and nice enough guy who was put under a spell by the evil witch Angelina Jolie, who apparently knows sexual techniques so powerful that no mortal man is safe once she casts her enchantment.

Just trying to keep the narrative clear here.

Enboobening Alert™: Jessica Simpson

Publications: Life and Style, OK!, In Touch
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

I could have padded this out into three separate alerts, but that would have been too much as well as asymmetrical. Suffice it to say that Jessica Simpson went around all week blabbing about her new boobs, and she's tickled pink about them. I'm old enough to remember when real celebrities categorically denied plastic surgery. Obviously, that day is done.

It's also obvious that these stories aren't going away, so it's time for a new category, the Enboobening Alert™. With Heidi Montag last week and Jessica this week, these are confirmed enboobenings, but sometimes there is speculation about breast enhancement that could just be a better push up bra in a more revealing dress.

So far, there hasn't been a big backlash against her decision, unlike the massive scorn dumped upon Heidi Montag last week. This may be the difference between being a 23 year old wannabe celebrity and a 29 year old actual celebrity who has already gone through several public break-ups and ridicule about her weight.

News about the tabloids: Sarah Palin's $100,000 cover doesn't sell

Publication: In Touch
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

Instead of a story from the cover of a tabloid, this is a story about a cover of a tabloid. Last week it was reported that the Palins were paid $100,000 to be on the cover of In Touch magazine. This week, there is a story on that it didn't sell well. A few weeks earlier, a cover featuring the late Brittany Murphy sold twice as many mags at the checkout stands.

People who don't like Sarah might think this is a failure for her, especially having to share the cover with crazy Angelina, crazy Charlie (Sheen, not Manson) and some way too skinny third rate celebrity wannabe. To her mind, it's only a failure if the check bounces.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Rush Limbaugh has two years to live

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

If you haven't got the hang of the Not Long 4 This World category, there are four sub categories.

1) This person is old.
2) This person does drugs.
3) This person is too fat or too thin.
4) This person actually has a serious chronic health condition.

Rush falls in category 3. Yes, he had a heart attack, but that isn't the death sentence it used to be. If I were to take a wager, I would bet that he will still be around to say unkind things about the Democrats in general and President Obama in particular when the 2012 election season rolls around.

This is now listed under the Expiration Date label. Here's hoping Mr. Limbaugh makes it past Feb. 1, 2012, only because I hate the tabloids slightly more than I hate him.

Tabloid fail alert: Tiger Woods NOT spotted at sex rehab clinic

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

The Flagship proudly claimed EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS of Tiger Woods at a sex addict rehab clinic in Mississippi, but show the picture of a black guy in a Stanford cap that really looks nothing like Tiger.

So the "we always check our stories" National Enquirer gets the first FAIL label of the year. I could give it to the Weekly World News, but I would only be able to do that if someone can prove it was really Michael Jackson who was found dead last year. Could be a massive hoax, you never know.

Weekly World News Alert: Michael Jackson is alive

Publication: Sun
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

The Sun is the least useful tabloid on the shelf for me. The headlines tend to be vague mentions of prophecies to be found inside or horoscopes and diets. But the rag has one redeeming feature on the cover, and that is a single mention of a story from the online Weekly World News.

All connoisseurs of tabloid remember the WWN fondly. This is where we found out about the Bay Boy found in a cave, and the grey skinned alien that met with world leaders and endorsed presidential candidates.

Other tabloids worried about being sued. The Weekly World News had evolved beyond such petty thoughts by making up every story out of whole cloth. It was more like performance art than a newspaper, and I had many friends, including Padre Mickey, who loved it dearly.

This week, the single blurb from the WWN tells us Michael Jackson is alive, even though for the past few years when he was alive, he looked like Joan Crawford's death mask.

Just thought you would like to know.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Close Shave Alert™: Al-Qaeda almost kills Bill Clinton

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

The new tabloids are starting to show up at my local spots, but I've started teaching again and my schedule is such that it will be easier to start reporting new stuff on Fridays. But just to keep my hand in, I've created a new category called the Close Shave Alert™. Unlike the original rules for categories, there is no way to test if these are right or wrong, but from what I've seen so far, this is a type of story the tabs love to put on the cover.

According to the National Examiner, a plot on Bill Clinton's life missed by a matter of minutes and was thwarted by some brave anonymous Jack Bauer type guy in the Secret Service. Of course, you might think an attempt on the life of a former president would be the kind of story that would be reported in The New York Times or on the TV, but if you really want people to know about it, of course you leak it to the National Examiner first.

And now you know the rest of the story.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

On the Rocks Alert: Angelina afraid of Jen

Publication: OK! Magazine
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

In what should be the last post of this week's tabloids, OK! tells us that Angelina Jolie is afraid of Jennifer Aniston.

Let's get real. Angelina Jolie was married to Billy Bob Thornton. Her dad is Jon Voight. It's gonna take a lot to scare a woman whose been through those experiences.

My best guess is that this is once more a case of The Rule Of More Celebrities coming into play.

On the Rocks Alert: Michael Jordan calls Elin

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

Whenever there's a nasty break-up, friends have to choose sides. If we are to believe The Flagship, Michael Jordan is on Team Elin, offering her support and consolation. Since none of the people on this alleged phone call actually talked to the reporters from the Enquirer, it could also be that Jordan is on Team Tiger and was calling as a go-between. There's also the possibility that Michael Jordan is on Team Michael, but let's leave that one alone for the moment.

An important rule of tabloid journalism: If there is a mess involving celebrities, the more celebrities the better.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

On The Rocks Update: Tiger Calls Elin

Publication: People Magazine
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

According to the generally reliable People, Tiger called his estranged wife. To find out what he said, I would have to read the article, and I'm not going to do that.

It's kind of comforting to know that the world's most focused and disciplined athlete can fall prey to drunk dialing. Misery loves company, and who could know more misery or be in larger company than a fool in love?

Bun In The Oven Alert™: Angelina's Dangerous Pregnancy

Publication: In Touch
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

The tabloids hate TomKat and BrAngelina, but if you break it down, the hatred is really for Tom Cruise and Angelina Jolie, respectively. Reading the headlines, you can see there is some residual love in the gutter press for Brad Pitt and Katie Holmes and the hope that each of them will come to their senses and get out of their respective marriages.

Maybe the tabloids want Brad and Katie to get hitched. What would they be called, I wonder. BradKat? Br'Katie? The possibilities are endless.

So, what about the headline? I have no idea why Jolie's pregnancy is dangerous. So far, it's just a rumor of a pregnancy, and there were rumors she was pregnant early last year which didn't pan out. She has given birth to three kids, Shiloh in 2006 and the twins Knox and Vivienne in 2008. The couple does not have a publicist, so don't expect a confirmation or denial of the pregnancy unless Angelina damn well feels like talking to the press, and unless it's a charity event, she usually doesn't feel like it.

Monday, January 18, 2010

You So Crazy Alert™: Charlie Sheen tells his side of the story.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

In Touch magazine made the editorial decision this week to pay the Palins $100,000 to get a cover story. Obviously money well spent.

The geniuses running the magazine also decided that what Americans really want is to hear Charlie Sheen in his own words explain why the police had to come to his place to break up a really scary domestic beef.

But the late great Rick James said it first and more succinctly.

On The Rocks Alert: John Edwards cheating again.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

Just two years ago, I voted for this guy for the Democratic nomination in the California primary.


The Flagship has John Edwards as the cover boy this week, claiming he has bedded yet another blond bimbo who is not his wife.

If he were actually still in politics, this would ruin his career. The public has no interest in guys who cheat on their wives over and over again. Just ask Mark Sanford or Rudy Giuliani or John Ensign or Bill Clinton.

I tell ya, Americans opened the floodgate when that divorced guy Ronald Reagan was elected, and it's been a trip to hell in a handbasket ever since.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

You So Crazy Alert™: Heidi Montag has 10 plastic surgeries in one day

Publication: People Magazine
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

Let us stipulate that the lowest form of celebrity is reality TV star, though beauty queen and relative of a celebrity are also in contention for the bottom rung. Heidi Montag started on the MTV reality show Laguna Beach and then became the star of the spin-off reality show The Hills. An attractive young lady who desperately wants to be famous, she proclaims herself a born-again Christian while posing naked in Playboy.

While I say "attractive", obviously this is a matter of controversy, even for her, as she has decided to have ten separate plastic surgeries, and these are not her first. In the before and after photoshopped pictures above, the most obvious change is the boob job, which is actually her second, the first pair not obnoxiously big enough. If you click on the picture, you'll see she's getting a nose job, chin job, butt implants, multiple liposuction procedures, botox... you name it.

This woman is 23 years old. While I put her on a You So Crazy Alert™ because the shoe fits, I actually feel a little bit bad about it. People have obviously made fun if her for whatever reasons, and it has hurt her enough that she is spending a fortune and opening herself up to further ridicule in an attempt to boost her self-esteem.

In some ways, this is sadder than the silly starlets who have no control over booze and drugs. Some of them might make it out of the downward spiral only slightly worse for wear. This young woman is scarred physically for life, and it's very unlikely she'll recover any mental or emotional equilibrium either, if she ever had any.

On The Rocks Alert: BrAngelina

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

According to the National Examiner, Angie is cheating on Brad and the rag puts their pending break-up in the form of a question "Will Brad leave?", like they are on Jeopardy! or something.

If I were taking bets on BrAngelina stories this year in the tabs, I would put the under/over at 175, averaging somewhere between three and four a week. If they ever do break up, there will be massive lay-offs at the tabloids and some of them may not survive the economic downturn.

Brave Last Days Alert: Barbara Billingsley

Publication: National Enquirer (online)
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

Beginning to detect a pattern here. Once again, The Flagship decides not to post a Brave Last Days Alert on the cover, but does have it front page on the website. According to them, TV mom Hall of Famer Barbara Billingsley doesn't have long, and she called both Wally and the Beav to say goodbye and let them know how proud she was of them. (She knows they are really actors and not actual kin, and The Flagship plays it like a very sweet gesture and not a sign of senile dementia.)

I was a little surprised to find out how old Barbara Billingsley is. There is some disagreement among sources, but everybody agrees she was born before 1920, so she's somewhere between 91 and 94. Best wishes to Ms. Billingsley and her families, both real and fictional.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

On The Rocks Alert: BrAngelina

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

Well, folks, it was fun while it lasted. Star Magazine lays it all out on the line.


Yes, this is the last time these two will be mentioned in the tabloids. It's all over, nothing to see, just keep moving.

Psych. You know I'm just playin' witcha. There's like three more BrAngelina headlines this week alone.

You So Crazy Alert™: Britney to psych ward

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

And here she is, ladies and gentlemen, the reason this blog has the new and exciting You So Crazy Alert™ label, Miss Britney Spears! According to The Flagship, Britney is being shipped off to The Bin in hopes of saving her life.

We are now in the tenth year of the Britney Spears Experiment, an attempt to see if enough money can actually improve the life and morals of trailer trash. So far the results appear to be... not so much.

On the bright side, when the trailer trash is Britney, nobody is thinking about the possibility of making her president.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Anyone the Globe could think of

Publication: Globe Magazine
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

Okay, so actress Brittany Murphy and socialite Casey Johnson both die young over the past few months and the tabloids gave us no warning at all. The Globe decided this week to hedge their bets and tell us that plenty more young people could die, and drop the names Eminem, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Kirsten Dunst could die, so don't be surprised if they do.

Here's my take. Another young celebrity could die in 2010, but I bet it will be somebody they didn't put on their front page and all these people will live.

Leaving The Love Boat™: Dennis And Victoria Hopper

Publication: Huffington Post
Date: 15 Jan. 2010

Okay, last week Dennis Hopper was dying and this week he is divorcing his wife of 14 years Victoria, the mother of his six year old child. The HuffPo story confirms he is very sick, but well enough to start divorce proceedings, which means his Brave Last Days will instead be his Messy and Sordid Last Days.

I am not making this a You So Crazy Alert™ for Dennis Hopper, but it was a close call.

You So Crazy Alert™: Helen Reddy is a psychic healer

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 Jan. 2010

One last headline from last week and a new category, the You So Crazy Alert™. Helen Reddy is a psychic healer.

Of course, "crazy" is a very subjective opinion and some of my readers may believe in psychic healing. If you do, that is your perfect right.

'Cause You So Crazy!

Just sayin'.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

On The Rocks Update: Inside Charlie And Brooke's Twisted Marriage

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 18 Jan. 2010

The allegedly legitimate press may be in love with the Tiger Woods story, but the tabloids prefer Charlie Sheen's troubles with his wife. The tabs probably have more informants in place with Charlie and Brooke, and when they beat the crap out of one another, there are actual mug shots and arrests.

Much more fun! It's a scientific fact!

On The Rocks Alert: Elin Without Tiger

Publication: People
Date: 18 Jan. 2010

From what I can tell so far, People magazine isn't big on getting scoops, but does at least try to get facts straight. The front cover headline merely states that they are living apart, but doesn't give specifics farther than that. There has to be more information inside the magazine. It almost makes you want to buy the magazine and read, doesn't it?

For me, it's almost, but not quite. This blog is about supermarket checkout magazine and newspaper covers, and I will do my best to follow those parameters.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

On The Rocks Update: What made Charlie Sheen snap

Publication: In Touch
Date: 18 Jan. 2010

Sorry, all In Touch gave us on the cover was the teaser headline. To find out what made him snap, I would have to buy the magazine and read it, and we already know my feelings about that, don't we?

Maybe he found out that World War III is starting this year, and it all just got to be too much for the sensitive Mr. Sheen.

Charlie! Buck up, buddy! Think about it. You could have Emilio Estevez's career. That could make anybody snap.

Skeeter Davis Alert™: WW III starts in 2010

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 Jan. 2010

World War III isn't exactly the end of the world, but it could be a pretty good start. Who says it starts this year? Why, none other than everybody's favorite 16th Century apothecary and extremely vague French poet, Michel de Nostradamus! Or at least that's how some Nostradamus "expert" has interpreted some vague French poetic bullshit.

Like people everywhere of taste and refinement, I prefer Negrodamus, who explains the world we truly live in with clear and focused comments such as...

"White people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X."