Thursday, December 31, 2009

On The Rocks Alert: Elin Nordegren living in another country

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 04 Jan. 2010

Weekly Life & Style reports that Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren (a.k.a. Tiger Woods' First Wife) has taken up residence in another country.

To give credit where credit is due, the whole Tiger Woods thing first broke in the tabloids in November when The National Enquirer (a.k.a. The Flagship) went public with what they knew about Tiger and Rachel Uchitel. To take away credit for sloppy work, since the guy did not have a mistress as much as he had a stable of skanks, no one in the press gets much credit for missing this story for as long as they did.

What will finally happen is anyone's guess. I know less about women than I know about any topic in the universe, but even I am pretty sure that the excuse "Aw, baby, the hundreds of times I had sex with those several dozen women meant nothing to me, and I just want to be back with my family where I belong." is not going to fly.

Stay tuned for further details.

On The Rocks Alert: Elin Nordegren not wearing wedding ring

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 28 Dec. 2009

Us Weekly
reports that Tiger Woods' wife (a.k.a. Tiger Woods' first wife) has been seen not wearing her wedding ring. While this seems easy enough to check, we will still rank it as a tabloid prediction until such time as actual confirmation surfaces.

On The Rocks Alert: Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel together

Publication: In Touch
Date: 04 Jan. 2010

In Touch Magazine is on the record saying that Tiger Woods is on his boat spending quality time with Mistress #1 (a.k.a. First Ho In Line) Rachel Uchitel. Since no one has actually gone on the record yet, this blog will treat all Tiger news as rumor until documents are filed in a court of law or some official statement is made.

Bun In The Oven Alert™ : Rachel Uchitel

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 04 Jan. 2010

We have a new category, and that's pregnancy! According to Star, Mistress #1 Rachel Uchitel (a.k.a. First Ho In Line) is pregnant with Tiger Woods' baby. Here at It's News 2 Them™, this seems like the sort of thing that can be checked for veracity at a later date, so we will consider this yet another tabloid prediction, and we will keep track.

Stay classy, Star Magazine! I couldn't keep this blog going without you.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

On The Rocks alert: Larry and Shawn King

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 04 Jan 2010

According to the front page of The Flagship, Larry King had sex with his wife's sister.

Before I started this blog, I had every hope that I would go to my grave having never typed the words "Larry King had sex".

Pray for me.

Leaving the Love Boat™: Karl and Darby Rove

Source: Associated Press

Just in case you think it's only liberal Hollywood types who have no respect for the sacred oaths of marriage, Karl and Darby Rove are getting divorced after 24 years of marriage. Once again, this is being reported by legitimate news sources before the tabloids could get their hooks into it.

What's this world coming to?

Leaving the Love Boat™: Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins

Source: Huffington Post

Yet another celebrity break-up gets reported in the legitimate press before the tabs can alert us! How do these people cash their paychecks with a clear conscience?

Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon are dissolving their union of more than twenty years, as is being reported by real news sources. Rumors are that Susan has herself a new young honey, and again these salacious tidbits are not being reported by the supermarket tabloids first.

Yet another black mark against the jackals of the press.

Leaving the Love Boat™: Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller

Here's another service we will be providing at It's News 2 Them™: reports on divorces and nasty break-ups that somehow escaped the notice of the tabloids. Since the marital difficulties of Charlie Sheen and his new bride Brooke Mueller include police reports, this is exactly the kind of story the tabloids should have alerted us to in advance, but the jackals of the press missed this one. It goes into the new category Leaving the Love Boat™. Each entry in this category counts as a black mark against the tabloids. Today there will be three such marks.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Brave Last Days Alert: Loretta Lynn

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: Dec. 2009

Loretta Lynn, aged 75, came down with the flu last month and canceled a performance, a very rare event for the country music legend. The Enquirer posted a Brave Last Days alert, but more recent news is that she is recovering nicely.

Here's hoping this is one of many Brave Last Days Alerts the tabloids get 100% wrong this year. Anyone who ever had a Number One hit with She's Got You is A-Numba-One in Matty Boy's book, and that list begins with Miss Patsy Cline and ends with Miss Loretta Lynn.

This is the Word of the Lord. Amen.

Not Long 4 This World alert: Queen Elizabeth II

Publication: Globe
Date: 04 Jan. 2010

The big part of the story is that Elizabeth wants to skip over Charles and make William the next king, but it does call Old Liz Windsor "dying queen", so it counts as an alert. I have no information myself about the health of the queen myself, but given how long her mum held on, I suspect their may be some tortoise blood in the royal lineage.

I count this as the year's first prediction. We will see how it turns out.

Ads on the blog.

I consider the monetization of blogs to be incredibly tacky and annoying, which fits in with the whole zeitgeist of this blog perfectly. Feel free to click on any link you find interesting, or to curse the day that blog monetization was invented. It's completely up to you!

On The Rocks: The Starting Lineup

The two marriages the tabloids are always predicting will break up are:


Not Long 4 This World: The Starting Lineup

Last year, the tabs got some brownie points for predicting that Michael Jackson had six months to live. Here are the other names I remember off the top of my head who are Not Long 4 This World.

Dick Clark (one year)
Oprah Winfrey (three years)
Kirstie Alley (three years)
Elizabeth Taylor (on and off this list since Butterfield 8 was first released)

There may be others that were given similar kisses of death, but I don't recall them right now. Not Long 4 This World is different than Brave Last Days, which assumes a matter of weeks instead of a matter of months or years.

Welcome to the blog

Okay, here's how it works. I'll be checking out the tabloids each week as I go to the supermarket, and I'll report on several types of items, all of which can be checked for veracity later.

1) Brave Last Days alerts. Whenever a celebrity is given only a little while to live in the tabloids, I will report on it and give the source.

2) Not Long 4 This World alerts.
Slightly different from Brave Last Days, this is a prediction with a length of six months to a few years instead of a few days to a few weeks.

3) On The Rocks alerts.
Whenever a celebrity couple is predicted to be breaking up in the tabloids, I will report on it and gve the source.

4) Bun In The Oven Alert™.
Any report of a celebrity pregnancy will be considered rumor until confirmed by the celebrity or the birth takes place, whichever comes first.

5) Bells Are Ringing Alert.
Pending nuptials.

6) Skeeter Davis Alert.
The end of the world is given a specific date.

7) Leaving the Love Boat™.
If the story of a celebrity divorce is in the mainstream press before it's in the tabloids, this is a black mark against them.

8) Gone Before They Knew It™.
If a major celebrity or a young celebrity dies and there was no heads up in the tabloids first, this also counts against the tabloid industry. The death of Brittany Murphy is a prime example of this, but it happened before New Years 2010, so it is not counted against them. There will be polls for the readers to determine if a celebrity was big enough to warrant a Brave Last Days Alert or Not Long 4 This World Alert.

9) On The Rocks updates.
If a story of a celebrity couple in trouble was in the mainstream press before it hit the tabs, any prediction of a divorce only gets partial credit.

10) Enboobening Alert
Sometimes a celebrity will admit to breast enhancement, sometimes the tab just speculate because a celebrity looks more zaftig.

11) He Fought The Law Alert™
If someone gets arrested, whether the report is in the tabs or the real press, it will get a play here. I realize the title is sexist, but if we run into a lot of female arrests, we will change the category name.

There will also be the reports of actual celebrity deaths and actual celebrity breakups. I will mark when the tabloids get it right and when they get it wrong and when they miss a story they should have caught. I'm going to start fresh with the 2010 editions of the tabs, though I will try to do some back research if a celebrity dies or a couple breaks up that had been predicted previously. For instance, the current "Not Long 4 This World" list would include Dick Clark, Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey, and the "On The Rocks" list always includes BrAngelina and TomKat.

Matty Boy, is this just you being obsessive-compulsive about numbers again?

Yes, hypothetical question asker, it is. And I'm glad to have you on board for the new blog.